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EIGHTEEN
‘SAVAGE’ LANDON TEWERS
Lexi
I’ve heard it once, that the savage hearts in this world were once pure. I believe that to be true for myself, but Alan could never fit that description even if it were molded just for him. I believe the son of a bitch was born damaged. A broken soul put into the womb of an unsuspecting woman. Alan used to say that it was because of the vicious way his own father raised him and though he never detailed his upbringing, nor spoke his father’s name, perhaps his mother was different. Perhaps she thought she’d be able to break the cycle with her son.
Too bad she failed. Or was she killed too?
Watching Gio breakdown over the possibility -because we don’t know for a fact at this point- of his mother’s death opened old wounds inside me. I can take a lot in this world, I can take the brutality I suffered and use it to fuel me, perhaps even darken me, but what I can’t take is watching Gio flashback to that child he once was. That’s what the mention of his mother did to him. It took the man he is and shoved him deep inside, while the little boy he kept hidden away came barreling to the surface with all the sorrow of a broken child. How cruel life has been to him, to Luce, too.
Hell, to all of us.
“I’m going to take a shower.” I say tiredly as we walk into the apartment, finally feeling some of the suppressive weight lifted off of me now that Alan is the one tied to a bolted chair in a dirty basement. The guys wanted to begin the torture right away, but I don’t have the stomach to witness it, so I asked to be brought home. All I want to do is forget about Alan. The guys can have their pound of flesh, but for me, I want to move on and never think of that evil man ever again. I do have to admit that it felt awfully good to shoot Alan in the dick. Still, it felt somewhat anti-climactic, like something wasn’t quite right. Maybe that’s what they mean when they say revenge never really soothes the burn.
Both Gio and Luce follow me, both sort of looking unsure of where my head is at, but I stop them, “I’m fine guys. I think I just need to be alone though.”
Gio looks like he’s about to argue, but I shake my head, “Alan is no threat, and you guys have everyone and their momma’s out looking for Pink. I think I’ll be fine on my own. I just need a minute.”
Luce looks peeved, like he’s upset with me for wanting to be alone, oh fucking well, buddy. I turn on my heel and continue down the hall, too tired to even address his attitude, but the words out of his mouth have me stopping and spinning back.
“What, seen our true colors, and now you wanna run away? Do our bloody hands scare you?”
I stomp my way back to him, poking my finger to his chest, “I’m going to let that go because you’re in a dark place right now, but understand this, Luce Rametta, blood and death or even the act of murder don’t scare me. My lack of care does. My lack of empathy for human life is what frightens me. Never assume you know differently.”
I stare at him, watching his eyes go from angry to heated. There’s zero remorse in sight, only lust and hunger.
He can starve.
I turn once again, rushing from the living room as Gio says my name. I make it to the restroom and tear at my clothes before yanking the shower door open and stepping in. I forcefully turn on the shower and let the freezing water pelt my skin like little drops of melting ice. I don’t care. I can barely even feel it. All I can think of are my words, the truth to what I’ve said.
Alan broke something in me, and I haven’t been able to fix it. Even Maxine, my best friend…fuck, her death didn’t even bury me like it did to Luce. Yes, I’m so incredibly sad over it, but most of the time, I don’t even feel it. The only things I feel are shame and anger.
Shame that I feel like I don’t have much humanity left in me, and anger that this is what my life has offered me.
What did I ever do to deserve this? Was I some sort of bastard in my past life, a fucking zumba instructor or some shit? I must’ve left a deep gouge in the universe if I was given this lot in life. Yes, I’m free now, surely and truly free, but the damage to my - our - lives have already been done. There’s no changing that, no fixing it. After years of beatings, rapings, abusive words, and just all around shitty life, this is who I am now.
The unfeeling survivor.
A sob breaks through as the water runs over my eyes, my salty tears washing away like I wish my pain would. Luce was right, I've been going around hiding how I feel, covering it up with false strength. Another sob climbs up my throat as I lean my forehead against the tiles, my nails clawing at my wrists of their own accord. One of my nails catches on the scab that formed over the cut I inflicted on myself the night Luce began to spiral. Blood begins to seep from the wound, and I can’t help but focus on the feel of the sting, nor can I stop myself from scratching the rest off. The long wound reopens and along with my blood flowing, so do my tears.
I just want to feel something, anything. I know I shouldn’t do this, shame floods me, but I can’t stop.
All of Alan’s words and insults come back to me, his hands hitting and hurting me, his grip around my throat…it all feels like it’s happening now. I bang my fist against the tiles, my cries no longer quiet, as I scrape my nails through my hair, scratching at my scalp and wishing I could rip the memories out, watching them flow into the drain like my blood.
“Fuck you!” I scream, “Fuck you! Fuck you!FUCK YOU!”
Hands wrap around me as I swing a fist toward the tiles once more.
“Shh, sweetness, it’s okay. I’ve got you.” Luce’s hoarse voice penetrates all my thoughts, wiping them all away like a rag to a chalkboard.
“Masks only last for so long.” I whisper through hiccups.
I lean my head back against Luce’s shoulder as my tears still flow, not a single care that I’m naked and bleeding. Luce doesn’t care either, he just holds me while I try to mold myself back together again.
Fuck, I’m Humpty Dumpty now.
“No they don’t,” his words whisper across my wet skin, raising goosebumps along my shoulder, “sometimes we just have to feel the pain.”
