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My hands shake as I dump the over cooked milk and start a new batch.
It’s not that I don’t want to have babies, I really do. Growing up, I used to go above and beyond for my baby dolls. I’ve always wanted to be a mother but actually going through it, that’s a whole other level of intensity and I’m nervous as hell.
It’s good to know that Leo isn’t bent about it. I’m still in shock that I’m the only woman in history whose guy figured out she was pregnant before her. How crazy is that?
That’s typical of me though. I am usually late to most parties, even hypothetical ones.
I finish the hot cocoa and pour some in mugs, taking them to everyone before curling up on the couch.
My eyes are on the TV, but my mind is far off from the sweet romance movie.
Leo and I just said we loved each other. We can’t have a baby now. We’re barely getting to know one another still. What if we don’t work out? I don’t want my kid growing in a broken home like I did. I want my kid to have the love of both parents under one roof. Even if we did work out, the lifestyle Leo leads is one that doesn’t guarantee his life span. What if something were to happen to him, me, or God forbid, our child? It’s not like I’ve been particularly safe lately.
Yes, the past two weeks were anything but dangerous, but I can’t let my child grow up expecting bad things to happen. It’s not fair to him or her.
My mind immediately jumps on the word her. What if I had a little girl? Would she look like me or Leo? Would she be the perfect mix? I heard that little girls come from their fathers, just as I look like my pops, would my baby girl be a feminine Leo? How fucking cute would that be?
She’d definitely have curls. Would she have his black eyes with my wide almond shape?
What if it were a boy?
My heart skips a couple of beats as my mind runs through the pros and cons. All the pros being the absolute cuteness and love and the cons are my worries.
What if I’m not fit to be a mom? I’m a beast when I don’t get any sleep. Kids love to keep our heads off pillows.
Round and round, my thoughts spin and soon, the movie is over. I couldn’t even tell you how it ended.
“Wasn’t that a sweet movie?” My mother asks as she looks over at me, “Aye, hija. Are you okay? You look pale.”
I open my mouth to tell her and Joann everything, but Letty hops up, “Yeah, she’s good she’s just worried about the gift she wants to give Leo.”
She smiles at my mom who chuckles, “He’ll love it, baby.”
“Uh, thanks mom,” I tell her as Letty pulls me up from the couch.
“Come on, let’s go wrap it.”
I set my full mug down and follow her to the bedroom while ma and Joann set up their playing cards. Again, I know my mom is trying to keep her friend’s mind of the dangers Leo is in.
When we get to the room, Letty hops on the bed, “Don’t tell them until we know for sure. Why put their hopes in a bubble only to burst it? Let’s find out first.”
“How?”
“The tests! I told you Leo had some delivered before he left. See, you already have the mommy brain.”
“You just made that up,” I say while trying to imitate her higher octave voice.
“Google that shit.” She mocks back in my slightly deeper voice.
Chuckling, I sit on the bed and rub my temples, “What if I’m not ready to be a mom?”
“Who ever is? Listen, sometimes women want a baby so bad that it hurts each time the test comes back negative. But they keep trying and hoping. When the test comes back positive, they’re excited but even they get scared. Fearing your ability to be a mother is normal. Part of the process. But don’t let it tell you lies.”
She grabs my hands and dips her head to look me in the eye, “You have a great role model. Your mom is the strongest woman I’ve ever met, aside from my mom. You have a lot of people here to help you. If you think you’re doing this alone, you’re just being silly. My mom will most likely try and steal him or her from you.”
I know she’s right. Though I’m still worried, I can feel a little of the weight lifted from my mind. I know my mother would be worried but also happy. She’s young but I know she wouldn’t mind being a grandma.
Oh God, I’m doing this. I’m actually starting to think of the future with this body ripping, projectile shooting, sleep disturbing spawn.
