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“I didn’t find out until I went to Darlene Dennis’s funeral and I saw Essex there. He didn’t see me, but I saw him. I thought maybe he was a friend of the family or something. I didn’t think much of it. Then, when the minister invited Darlene’s son to come up and say some words, Essex got up and that’s when I realized it.”
More tears fall from his eyes. “Oh, God. Mrs. Darlene. I didn’t know it was her…I didn’t know. I would’ve gone to the funeral had I known. I used to be over at their house all the time. She would always have snacks for me and Stewart. I can’t believe she’s gone. Why didn’t you tell me, Dad?”
“I didn’t feel it was my place, sweetheart. I’m sorry.”
I attempt to dry my eyes again, but I know it’s of no use.
“I don’t understand,” I say. “Why would he do this?”
“He didn’t tell you why?” Mom asks.
“I didn’t give him a chance to tell me anything. I just left.”
“Don’t you think you owe him that much?” Dad asks.
“Why? Why do I owe him anything when he’s the one who deceived me? Pretending all this time…why should I, Dad?”
“Because he’s the one you could never get over. He’s the man who ruined all other men for you. Tell me I’m wrong.”
“Dad—”
“Tell me I’m wrong, my daughter.”
I close my eyes and massage my temples. My head is throbbing from crying so much.
“I know I’m not wrong,” he continues. “You cried all the way to college when you left him. Neither me nor your mom could console you. You wanted to be with him.”
“I did. I did love him very much.”
“Notdid,” Dad says. “You still do after all these years, and if he still loves you, I say stop wasting time and get on with your life.”
“But Dad, he’s changed so much.”
“Physically he’s changed, yes, but mentally he hasn’t changed all that much if he’s still in love with you.”
I look over at mom, watching her dry her eyes. She says, “Gosh, I still remember to this day how much you cared about him. I felt so guilty for asking you to attend my alma mater. I wish I hadn’t now. I’m sorry, Quin.”
This was too much for me to handle, especially with these two. I love them to death, but sometimes parents overstep – want their kids to be what they want them to be instead of listening to what they really want. Back then, mom didn’t care about what I wanted. She wanted whatshewanted. If she’d listened to me, she would’ve known I never wanted to go to Florida State. I wanted to be where Stewart was, and I didn’t care what school it was. It could’ve been a community college for all I cared. I wanted to be with him. Had we gone to the same school, we would be married with kids, living the dream. I know that for a fact. That’s how much I loved him.
Thinking about this now, I look at myself and realize how far away I am from my dreams because I’ve been trying to make everybody else happy. I can’t do that anymore.
“I have to go,” I say. It’s the safe thing to do before I use some choice words and say things to them both that I can’t take back.
“Stay a while, dear,” Dad says. “Please, just eat something.”
“No. I shouldn’t have come over here.” I push away from the table. I say, “I realize that I’m your only child, but it’s my life and I need to decide what I want to do with it without you both in my ear, pulling me to the right and back to the left. You tell me I should be married by now. That you need some grandbabies. What school to go to. Who to date. What my next move should be. From now on, I’m the only person directing what’s best for me.”
I exit swiftly, returning home with puffy eyes and a massive headache. The pressure in my head makes it feel like it’s about to pop. I lie down on the sofa, close my eyes and urge myself to go to sleep. If I don’t, I just may lose my mind.
