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The guilt still bites at me, but my happiness and eagerness to live seem to overshadow it.
Nathan seems to overshadow it.
When I open my eyes, I pad into the kitchen and dump the envelope in the bin. Then I skim through the pile of bills we seem to have been sent and discard the ones I daren’t read.
Bill shock is a fatal condition. It’s where there are too many zeroes after a certain number and you can no longer breathe.
Nathan picks these up and reads through them while eating half a grapefruit. Gross.
“What you doing baby boy?” I coo to my smiling little man and double check the harness of his reclining high chair is fastened properly. It is. A sure sign I worry too much.
“What did you put in the bin?” Nathan asks, not looking at me.
“Are you still mad about last night?” I frown. “I said I was sorry when I woke up this morning.”
“What did you put in the bin?” His face remains expressionless.
“I’m not answering until you do.”
He sighs, rubs his face with his hands and gives me a look that screams, ‘do we have to do this now?’
I return a look that screams, ‘Yes we bloody well do.’
“What you did was cruel,” he says, placing the bills in a neat pile by his plate. I take them and shove them into a nearby drawer.
“What you did was cruel.” I glare at him. “You hid your birthday from me.”
He quirks a brow. “You’ve never asked when my birthday is.”
I open my mouth to argue, but realise he’s right. Scratching my head, I try to slide myself onto his lap but he stands and moves away. “I have to be at the store by noon. I have a delivery coming.”
“I’m sorry for smashing cake in your face; you’re right, it was cruel.” And funny, but I don’t say this because he’s obviously not happy with me and I doubt my saying that will help the situation in any way at all. “Forgive me?”
“It took me half an hour to get it off my skin. I’m surprised I have any left.”
What? “Cake?”
He looks at me with exasperation swimming in his beautiful browns. “Skin!”
“Oh.” The floor is very interesting right now. I need to sweep and mop. “When will you be home?”
“I’ll call.” He pinches Dillan’s cheek and kisses his head. “Oh,” he stops suddenly, his empty eyes landing on mine. “Next time you upset me, I’ll throw a rat at you and see how you react. I’ll also laugh as I’m walking away, leaving you to deal with it alone.”
Well, when he puts it like that. “God, Nathan… I’m sorry.”
“Are you?” He checks his watch. “I really have to go.”
“Nathan…” I reach for him, but he moves away. I deserve that. “I am sorry, you know that right?”
He says nothing, leaving me to feel small and severely sorry. I’ll leave him alone for a while. He’ll calm down, although he doesn’t seem angry, only disappointed, which is even worse.
“Tell me to tell you that I love you,” I practically beg.
His body seems to slump as if releasing all of his pent up anger, frustration and disappointment in one breath. He turns towards me and cups my cheek with his hand. “I love you and I know you love me. Right now I’m annoyed. That doesn’t mean I don’t know that we love each other.”
“You should still say it.”
“In case the worst should happen and we didn’t say it before, I’m telling you now that until I say otherwise, or you say otherwise, this belongs to you.” He taps the left side of his chest with his free hand, before placing my hand over it. I nod, lowering my eyes once more. He leans forward and places a gentle kiss on my cheek. “I’ll see you tonight.”
“Okay.”
When I look up, I see the small smile teasing the corner of his lips, making his eyes narrow slightly. “I forgive you.”
“I am sorry.” I wait for him to kiss me. He doesn’t delay and I instantly melt into him. After a few moments, he pulls away slowly and reluctantly then kisses my forehead and turns to leave.
Dillan shouts out a babble, almost as if telling Nathan not to forget about him.
I smile and watch him kiss Dillan’s open mouth and chubby fists before giving me a wink and leaving for London.
I am such a bitch.
I spend another half an hour with Dillan, playing with him on the floor of the living room. He’s still too young to crawl, but he’s getting so good at lifting himself with his hands now. Although, after thirty seconds of dropping and lifting, he starts to get irritable.
After dropping him off with my mum, I make my way to work feeling happy and light. I remember when people told me that time will heal my wounds, and sure enough, even though my heart still has a gaping hole that Caleb left behind, I feel like I’m healing.
