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“I, uh, I’m just now getting used to the whole idea of having friends,” she said nervously, “and I don’t know if I want to add the stress of a guy to that.”
“Ah.” Well, so much for that plan. I was going to have to ride this crush out, it seemed.
“I also… I don’t know if I’m even that interested in guys… right now, that is…” She trailed off.
“Sorry, what?”
I was sure I hadn’t heard her correctly.
“Oh, um, yeah, I’m just not interested in dating right now,” she said more firmly.
“Uh, okay,” I said. It sounded like she said she wasn’t sure if she was interested in guys.
There was a pause while we were both silent, Margie watching Max pensively.
Margie sighed and looked up at me with a worried expression. “Brianne… how did you know you liked girls?”
I blinked at her. “Uh, liked girls?”
“Yeah, like, how did you figure out you were a lesbian?” she asked, her eyes more intense than I’d ever seen them.
“Let’s move somewhere quieter,” I said, leading her out of the noisy, crowded living room and into the backyard.
A couple people were quietly talking and smoking out here, so it was easy to find a place to sit and chat. There was a patio table with some chairs. The table was filthy and covered in beer bottles and empty cigarette packets and butts, but it would do.
“How did I figure out I was a lesbian,” I repeated, better able to think in the clear night air. “Um… I guess, when other girls got interested in guys, I realized I didn’t feel the same way. All the feelings they described, I felt towards girls. It took a lot of self-examination, but it became pretty clear to me early on. I guess I was lucky that my parents were progressive in that regard, so I knew about gay people from a young age. I knew it was an option.”
Margie was silent, like she was thinking over what I’d said. “You didn’t have to like, experiment or anything?”
“Nah,” I said. “I mean, once I discovered the wide world of internet smut, that made things easier…”
She chuckled, but it was a nervous laugh.
“You asking for a friend, or…?” I cocked my eyebrow.
“Um… myself,” she said. “All that’s happened recently has just made me think of it. I mean, I do find myself attracted to guys… kind of. And I think girls are good-looking. But I haven’t wanted to be sexual with many people.”
I wasn’t sure why she was opening up to me so much, but then I noticed that her beer was empty. And she seemed a little less inhibited than usual. She must have had a really low tolerance.
“Maybe you’re asexual,” I said.
“But I do want to have sex, and I like it just fine when I have it,” she said.
She’d clearly been thinking about this quite a bit, especially if she’d already considered that possibility. “There’s a place in between asexual and not asexual too,” I said. “But it’s okay to not know. Sometimes experimenting isn’t a bad way to figure it all out.”
“Yeah, that’s what someone else told me,” said Margie, sighing yet again. “I don’t want to just use someone as an experiment, though. And there’s no one I’d want to experiment with except…”
She trailed off and let out an even bigger sigh.
I reached out and put a hand on her shoulder, enjoying the warmth of her body a little more than I should have. “It takes time to figure these things out. Go easy on yourself.”
“It’s just hard when I have confusing feelings for you,” she said, and immediately blushed.
“Me?”
“Yeah, you,” she said. “I mean, you’re the one girl who’s ever caught my attention. And I just think you’re cool… probably too cool for me.”
“I’m not too cool for you,” I said gently. “No one’s too cool for you. It’s just not possible. And if it seems like they are… then they’re probably just pretentious asses.”
