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No, I didn’t hate him. Not the way I once had. For a time I’d hated Lucas so profoundly I thought I might rip him apa
rt with my bare hands. I thought I could never forgive what he’d done to me and that I would go to my grave with my loathing for him still burning inside me.
But I knew real hatred now. I’d felt it for others, and it fully eclipsed what I once attached to him.
Now, over a year since our failed marriage ceremony, the pain I’d experienced that day was a mere shadow. A fragment from my past I had to struggle to feel strongly about now. So much had happened to me since then, it hardly seemed worth holding on to the bitterness.
“Maybe not. Not anymore.”
“That’s a start.”
I glanced down, unable to decide which way to look. Outside the window was the ruin of my city, but in here was a man I’d once loved. What Lucas and I had shared was complicated. More so than I could understand some days. Though I’d agreed to marry him because it seemed like the right thing to do, I had loved him. My wolf still did, in her own twisted way. But too much had happened between us.
Much like with Holden, things with Lucas and me would never be the same. We couldn’t heal our wounds, and that was as much my fault as it was his.
“Desmond asked me to marry him,” I said, still staring at the carpet. When I lifted my gaze again I found his attention fixed on me.
“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.” When our glances held too long and became uncomfortable, we both looked back out the window. The fire had turned the night sky orange, and it was difficult to tell if the gloom hanging over the city was from clouds or if it was all smoke.
“Callum has given his blessing, but I need you to…” The words stuck in my throat. I’d thought it would be easy to ask him. Hell, I thought I would waltz up to him and demand he grant me my freedom. But now that I was here with him and I had the chance, I found cutting ties was more difficult than I’d expected it to be. “I need you to declare our marriage nullified.”
It was a bit fancier than asking for a divorce. In a way, he’d done me a favor by not showing up on our wedding day, because it was one less hurdle I had to clear to marry Desmond.
“Is that what you want?” The pain in his voice made my belly ache.
“You know you and I were never going to make it work. I thought it was because we were too different, but the truth is, we’re too alike. Neither of us is willing to budge an inch on anything, and that’s no way to live. Do you honestly think we could have been happy together?”
“We were happy together once.”
I shook my head, not sure if he saw. “No. We were in love once, but love and happiness aren’t the same thing.”
We both fell silent, watching the fires rage on below.
Lucas continued, “I wanted so badly to be what you needed. I thought…oh, hell, I don’t know. I thought if I could make you see you belonged in the pack, maybe you would be able to forgive me. That maybe you’d come back.”
“It doesn’t work that way and you know it. What if I did forgive you? I still wouldn’t trust you. I’m still part of the pack this way. Pack protector, Desmond’s partner. And you can find a new queen. One who can give you children and be what you want.”
“You’re what I want.”
I faced him and took his hand between both of mine. Squeezing gently, I held it against my heart and marveled I was able to do so without flinching. “I’m what you thought you wanted. What the bond told you you wanted. But I’m not what you need.”
Lucas glanced at his hand and touched his fingers to my skin before pulling away and letting it drop down to his side. “I couldn’t agree for anyone less worthy, you know. If it was anyone but him, I’d say no.”
“But it’s not.”
“You’ve always loved him more than me, haven’t you?”
I thought about not answering, but that would be enough of an answer on its own, and he deserved better. “I loved you both differently.” That might not be much of an improvement, but I was glad I’d said something.
“If we get through tonight, you have my word. I’ll give my blessing publicly.”
I gawked at him, not sure I’d heard him correctly. I’d gone in expecting a fight, or at least assuming he wouldn’t make it easy on me. Instead he was granting me my freedom, and I hadn’t had to yell for it. He looked tired, damn near defeated. I guess this was one struggle he didn’t have it in him to hold on to anymore.
“Thank you.”
“I’m not quite done, you know.” He glanced at me again and smiled.
“Done with what?”
