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Chapter Nine
Maddie
Staring at the blank laptop screen, I scribble over my notepad with frustration. I should be mostly finished with my dissertation, but it’s like my brain has turned into cotton wool. I want to text Jacob and ask about his Mum, but how do I do that without talking about everything else?
Memories of our night together play on a reel in my mind. How he touched me, held me. The pleasure he gave me, a pleasure I’d never expected to feel my first time. The soreness between my legs is a precious reminder of the gift I gave him, something I’ll never regret. How could I when he made it so beautiful?
Then I had a nightmare. Jacob was always my go-to for comfort when I woke up shaking and terrified. He was the one I called in the middle of the night when the demons were stalking me. His voice never failed to soothe me until I could go back to sleep again.
Then, a year ago, I decided it was time I stopped using Jacob as a crutch to get me through the trauma my Mum, and I experienced at the hands of my stepdad. He was an abusive maniac who made our lives hell and left internal scars that are still difficult to deal with, despite him being behind bars.
So, instead of burdening Jacob with my shit, I started seeing a therapist. Waking him up at all hours while he was studying hard at university on the other side of the country was unfair to him. It wasn’t like he could just drop everything and come running to my rescue, not anymore.
Which is why we slowly drifted apart.
No, you pushed him away, my conscience argues.
My heart thumps at the thought. Is that what I’ve been doing? Pushing him away because…oh, shit! Because I love him.
I love Jacob. Madly. Passionately.
I test the words out in my mind, letting them bounce around before they seep into the deepest parts of my psyche. I’m in love with my best friend.
I’ve been so scared of losing him, of losing what we have, what we are to each other, that I’ve pushed him away. It seemed like the safer option because the alternative was too scary. I gave myself two choices; allow my friendship with Jacob to drift or lose him forever because of a failed love affair. But what if there’s a third choice, one that includes a happily ever after featuring Jacob and me. I’ve never wanted to take that risk…until now.
But does Jacob feel the same? Did last night mean anything to him, or was I just a handy distraction from the situation with his Mum?
I’m so lost in my thoughts I barely notice when Fiona enters the room wearing nothing but sequins and feathers. “Babe! What are you doing still sitting there moping? It’s the last day of the Carnival. You can’t miss it!”
I want to wither beneath her screech, but it’s not fair to take my frustration out on her. “Why are you dressed like that?”
She’s never been shy, but that’s the most skin I’ve ever seen her reveal in public.
“I’ve been invited to join in with the dancers,” she grins, placing her headdress on her curls.
“I’ve got to get this done, Fee,” I sigh, tipping my head towards my laptop.
“Babe, you look miserable. Just come and have fun for a few hours before the Carnival disappears for another year. You’ve got plenty of time before your deadline to worry about that.” She jabs a finger at the screen before breaking into an impromptu shimmy, causing hundreds of beads to swirl and shimmer over her rib cage and hips.
I shake my head, fighting a smile as I close my laptop. Grabbing my phone, I check one last time to see if Jacob has texted me. Nothing.
“I’ll walk with you to the start of the carnival, and then I’m going to see about meeting up with Jacob.”
Fiona wiggles her perfectly plucked eyebrows, and I roll my eyes at her. I can’t ignore Jacob forever. Whatever happened between us last night, he needs a friend right now, even if that’s all I can ever be.
Twenty minutes later, I wave goodbye to Fiona and make my way towards Jacob’s parents’ house. If he isn’t there, I can wait for him. Or head to the hospital. Or maybe I should just head back home and try to write my dissertation.
I’m so focused on my thoughts, my eyes downcast, that I barrel straight into someone and stumble backwards. I start to apologise for not looking where I was going when strong hands reach out to steady me.
“Thank you,” I say, looking up and locking eyes with Jacob.
Jacob
Mum’s words rattle around in my brain from the moment she says them until the moment I decide to do something about them. Then the doubt creeps in.
Yes, I love Maddie. As more than just a friend. But maybe she doesn’t love me like that. Maybe she wants to forget all about last night and move on as though it never happened.
Accepting that it’s going to drive me insane dwelling on what-ifs, I make my way to the house she shares with Fiona, stopping at a florist on the way and choosing a bouquet of pink daisies.
