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Chapter Two
Maddie
The emergency department is packed. The waiting area is standing room only, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get the patients triaged any quicker. Thankfully, nothing so far is life-threatening. It’s primarily cuts and bruises. A few bumped heads to be glued back together. This placement has been the most hectic so far and made me realise I’m not cut out for this side of emergency medicine.
My phone vibrates in my pocket while a glamorous seventy-two-year-old patient talks me through how she thinks she broke her arm during an early morning risqué romp with her married, thirty-one-year-old boyfriend. At twenty-one, I could do with experiencing a risqué romp for myself. Or any kind of romp, for that matter.
Her arm is swollen with limited movement. I input all the pertinent information into the computer and ask her to head up to the x-ray department, plucking my phone out of my pocket as she leaves.
The familiar warmth at seeing Jacob’s name fills me, and the tension in my shoulders eases. I know what today is, and I wish so much I could have had the day off work, but this is the last day of my final placement before I qualify, and it isn’t as simple as asking for a day off.
Jacob: Want to meet up tomorrow?
I’m suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to call him. To hear his voice. Tell him all about my nightmares and have him hold me like he used to. Have him tell me that it’s okay and I’m safe now. Safe with him.
Only I’m not with him. Because how could we risk our friendship for anything more when it might not work out?
Another patient walks in so I slip my phone back into my pocket, summon a smile, and focus on the task at hand.
By the time my shift is finished, and I’ve signed off, I’m exhausted, but a sense of excitement fills me. One final assessment in the form of my dissertation, and I’ll be a qualified nurse.
I pull out my phone to text Jacob back.
Me: Would love to but promised to go to the Carnival with Fiona.
The heat is stifling on the Tube as I head home. I feel bad for not suggesting drinks tonight, so I send another text to that effect. I want to support Jacob, especially today, but holy hell, I am exhausted.
My phone dings.
Jacob: Sorry, dealing with mum and dad fighting. I’ll try to catch up with you at the Carnival tomorrow.
Guilt coils in my stomach.
If I could get out of going to the Carnival, I would. It’s really not my scene. But Fiona wouldn’t let up about it until I caved and said I’d go with her, just to shut her up. I don’t mind, but I don’t know what to expect, and I don’t like being caught by surprise. I like to be in control, and having to go to an event I’ve never been to before with thousands of strangers has me tied up in knots.
Jacob
By the time my parents have calmed down and gone to bed, I’m exhausted. Drained. It’s been the same every year since we lost Kait, only every year I’ve been older, and they’ve treated the argument accordingly. More shouting, more swearing, more things a kid doesn’t want to hear his parents say. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I wish it were me that died. I wish Kait could have lived, and my parents could have been happy, as irrational as that thought is. Parents aren’t cut out to lose children. Witnessing their devastation makes me wary about having my own kids, something I made the mistake of sharing with Dad, which sparked the argument. Then Mum got involved, and it all went downhill from there.
They couldn’t understand my fears, how losing Kait had left me with my own demons to wrestle while they were busy grieving. Grief is a whole mess of emotions that fuck with your head, and we’ve all been processing in different ways, pulling in opposite directions. I hate how Kait’s death has aged my Dad, how it’s pushed my Mum right to the edge. But most of all, I hate how it’s destroyed our family unit.
I’m not sure what time Mum and Dad went to bed in the end, but I crashed in my room a little after midnight with Def Leppard blaring on my headphones to drown them out.
The alarm goes off, and I roll over in bed to check my phone. I miss waking up to Maddie’s name on my screen with a good morning message and goofy emojis. It’s insane to imagine her going to the Carnival. Something so busy, so full of energy. It used to take me days to convince her to come to the travelling fair that passed through once a year. She would only ever give in on the last day if I promised to buy her candy floss and a bag of sugary doughnuts.
She hates crowds and noise and not being in control. I can’t imagine that’s changed much in the year we haven’t been in each other’s pockets. But then I’ve changed plenty, so maybe she has, too. Maybe she’s lost the invisible armour from the trauma she experienced at the hands of her stepdad as a teenager. Maybe she’s a little more comfortable in busy environments.
Her training as a nurse will have forced her to be in out-of-control situations. She always said she wanted to be a nurse because it’s about taking control of a situation and helping people. Her nurturing nature was one of the first things I noticed about her when we first met. She never allowed her stepdad’s abuse to subdue that trait. If anything, it made her more determined to pursue her dream.
The Carnival starts in two hours. The streets will be filled with row after row of parade floats, dancers, and calypso drummers. As they toss their inhibitions aside, strangers will become friends, possibly even lovers.
By the time I’m showered and dressed and heading out the door, my Mum has surfaced from her bedroom. Her eyes are red-rimmed, but at least she’s wearing fresh clothes and ready to put her grieving to one side for another year.
“I’m going to the Carnival later. Would you and Dad like to come?” I ask her.
“Oh, no, thank you, Jakey. You go and have a nice day.”
She hasn’t called me “Jakey” since I was a kid. I watch as she floats down the stairs in a daze, and I wonder if she’s safe to be left alone.
My phone distracts me as it buzzes with a message from my best friend.
Quin: Meet me at The Edge before the Carnival.
I quickly tap out a reply.
Me: No can do. Heading to meet Maddie first.
Quin: Trust me, if you wanna see Maddie, you need to meet me there.
I frown. This is my chance to see her after a year without her. I have to go.
