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I didn't care to know what emotion had replaced it.
We went inside, and I sat down at the kitchen table. My hands pulled my laptop out of my bag on autopilot, as Jesse stepped up to the fridge.
Instead of opening it, he reached up to the top and grabbed the envelope still resting up there.
He brought it over to me, setting it down on the table in front of me. "I know money can't buy back the life you had, but this is all I've got to offer. Take it; it's yours."
He walked back to the fridge, and I stared at the envelope for a minute.
Taking the money was a betrayal, wasn't it?
It meant accepting my fate as a werewolf, and accepting that I was going to be spending my life with Jesse whether I liked it or not.
I didn’t want to accept anything.
I didn’t want to decide anything.
If I was resigned to being controlled by an animal, and living with someone I didn't choose, my life wasn't really mine anyway. So what was the point of any of it?
I left the envelope of money on the table, and got up to walk to the bathroom. If I was away from Jesse, my wolf would take control and I wouldn't have to think or feel as much.
She wanted my life; she could have it.
I stepped into the bathroom and waited for her to take over.
She didn't make a peep.
Closing the bathroom door behind me, I waited for her to get angry that I was separated from Jesse. I waited for her to rip control out of my hands so she could make sure I did what she wanted.
But she didn't.
Minutes passed. My emotions grew more numb, and I slipped back out of the bathroom. There was a plate of food on the counter in front of my chair. I left it there, and instead picked up the envelope of cash. Jesse was no longer in the kitchen.
My fingers found the car keys he’d left on the hook, and I stepped into the garage. My bag of cash was clutched to my chest, and I held the keys in a death-grip.
I needed an escape. Freedom. A way out.
But I was still a monster. There was nowhere I could escape to and still prevent my wolf from hurting innocent people.
Except maybe a bar.
Pulling up maps on my phone, I searched the town. I wasn't twenty-one yet, but considering our digestive systems worked differently, maybe werewolves didn't care how old you were.
Pulling out of the garage, my heart pounded as I waited for my wolf to take over. If she took over while I was driving, I assumed I could pull over before the pain became unbearable.
She didn't take over, though.
I didn’t feel her at all.
The robotic voice on my map app gave me directions, and I followed them in silence. The numbness within me seemed to grow.
I parked in front of the bar a few minutes later. There were cars outside, but the lot wasn't full.
I pulled a chunk of cash out of the envelope before shoving the envelope under the seat. Even feeling numb, I wasn't about to risk thousands of dollars.
Tucking the wad of cash in my bra, I slid out of the car and headed inside the bar.
No one turned to look at me when I entered. It felt good not to be noticed; it made me feel normal.
