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Damien ignores my outburst. “Tanya wasn’t just a member of Salvation from Darkness. Koschei is her grandfather. She was groomed to inherit the cult.”
Chapter 15
Istare at the thick buzzing brush in my hand. The tiny head moves with a vicious speed. I’m scared to let it anywhere near my teeth and gums.
“Here’s the toothpaste,” Tanya says, shoving a more familiar tube in my hand. “Why have you turned it on already? Stop it, put toothpaste on it, and put it in your mouth. It messes with the timer.”
I turn the brush around. What’s a timer? It sounds more and more dangerous, and I’m paralyzed, remembering the last time the tooth doctor came to our village. He poked and prodded places in my mouth that already hurt, making them hurt even more. Then my whole mouth went numb. I wouldn’t stop biting my cheek, just to feel it was still there, so something big and round was strapped to my mouth, preventing me from hurting myself. And from screaming. My jaw ached for half a moon cycle after.
“Give it to me!” Tanya pulls the buzzing brush from my hand and presses the center button, her eyes blazing with annoyance. “Why can’t you do anything right?”
She’s been like this ever since Ben left. At first she was willing to listen to my story, but the more I told her, the more agitated she got, until she finally decided it was time to go to bed.
“I apologize,” I say in a quiet voice. She’s had enough of me for tonight. I will pick up our discussion about finding Koschei tomorrow. Out of everything I told her, the news that our protector had left me behind distressed her the most. Even if she appears abrasive toward me now, I can feel she cares.
“Look at me,” Tanya says without acknowledging my apology. She pulls on the tiny brush, removing it from the thick base with a click. Under it is a metal prod that looks even scarier. I let out a small gasp I fail to contain.
While I debate whether the viciously spinning brush or the metal implement will cause more damage to my teeth, Tanya opens a cabinet and takes out another tiny brush. This one is a bit flared, looking well used. She pushes it onto the metal prod, puts some toothpaste on top like on a normal toothbrush, and sticks it in her mouth. Her actions all have the deliberate flourish of annoyance, making me feel too out of my depth. This new world is full of small rituals that are similar to what we used to do in the village but somehow still different enough for me to fail at them.
I brace myself for blood and Tanya’s pained face when she presses the button. To my surprise, her expression remains passive, her jaw relaxed, and her mouth free of red. The toothpaste froths inside as the brush buzzes.
I stare at Tanya for the whole duration of her strange tooth brushing, alternating my attention between her face and her foot tapping on the tiled floor of the bathroom.
The buzzing falters twice and Tanya finishes up, spitting the toothpaste in the sink. A little bit gets on Ben’s clothes and I step back, already imagining his wrath when he finds out I’ve let his possessions get dirty. If I get a moment on my own, I will have to find some water and remove the stains.
“Do you not brush your teeth in that cult anymore? It used to be a requirement before that stupid bedtime prayer.” Tanya washes the brush and replaces the top again with the one I’m supposed to use.
“Not like this,” I say, trying my best not to flinch at the harsh words she uses for our village. Maybe it wasn’t always easy, but I knew the rules to obey and the routines to follow. I knew I was safe and close to my immortality ritual. Things were going in a good direction, all until that night. I push these thoughts to the back of my mind. Resentment and hate are the way darkness enters inside. Although Koschei is far away and can’t punish me here, I know that the moment I see him, he’ll be able to tell. And then there will be endless pain to endure. No, better to keep living properly.
Tanya grips my shoulders and turns me to face her. Maybe I took too long because her expression has changed.
“Can you pay attention when I’m talking to you? I know you’re thinking about Koschei. No matter what he’s made you believe, he’s not omniscient. He can’t get to you here. So come back to reality and brush your teeth. I have work to do and I’m already late.”
I blink at her outburst, then resume staring at the brush. My finger hovers over the button. Wait, no, I have to put toothpaste first, and then…
“For fuck’s sake,” Tanya’s voice cuts through my hesitation like a sharp knife, paralyzing me again. I feel the familiar tingling of fear, and my arms and feet become heavy like stone, bolting me in place.
She takes the toothbrush from my hand and throws it in the sink.
“You’ll brush them in the morning,” she says through gritted teeth and starts pushing me out of the room. I move rigidly, like my body is far away, and I have to pull on strings to move it.
We go up two flights of stairs, through a haze of bright lights and loud sounds. There are other women, all around Tanya’s age or older, chatting and laughing with men. This all seems like a fever dream I can’t wake up from. We reach a long corridor, with pale pink walls and bright doors. Tanya pulls me through a purple door without giving me a chance to look around.
Inside, there’s a massive bed and a long lamp like I’ve never seen before. It stands on the floor and reaches the ceiling, illuminating the whole room in soft yellow. The connecting element is a squiggly line of shiny metal. I want to reach and run my finger along its smooth surface, but my body is still not my own, so I only stand in the middle of the room like an empty doll.
“Change into this and go to sleep.” Tanya throws a bundle of clothes on the bed. Her words sounded like an order, so I only nod, expecting her to stick around for prayer.
She whirls on her heel, her sparkly shoes glinting with the movement. I look down at the overly large sports shoes I got from Ben and feel instantly self-conscious. Nothing fits. Not my clothes, and not me in this world.
The ability to challenge Ben didn’t translate well to Tanya—parts of her are too reminiscent of Koschei, and when she frowns, the wrinkle between her brow is the exact same Koschei got before he would consider what implement to use to remove the darkness from me.
I bow my head and bring my hands to my heart, praying for the Light to guide my path. Unexpected tears prickle in my eyes as I get the quiet words out. I miss my previous life. Not the punishments, or the painful, humiliating rituals, but the children and the stories. The knowledge that I knew what is around the corner.
I get under the soft covers without changing my clothes, finding the bed overly soft. It’s as if it’s a monster’s gaping mouth, swallowing me whole. I jump out of it, my skin crawling with the feeling.
The bundle of clothes Tanya left is bunched up in one corner of the bed. I eye it with suspicion. The garments are colorful, parts of them reflecting the light in a way that the clothes in our village never did. If they’re as revealing as what Tanya and the other women here wear, I don’t want them. I wish I had shoes that fit me, though.
Looking down at the toothpaste stains on Ben’s shirt, I decide it’s time I try to get them out. Most of the feeling in my body returns, and I feel much better now that I’m alone. There’s nothing in the room I can use to wash myself. The door is probably locked.
