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“I didn’t want to start there, but fine. I won’t talk about you, though. I will tell you what Koschei wants to happen tonight and why it’s a horrible idea.”
I nod and swallow hard. She said it will cause me pain, but the mystery of the ritual has been tormenting me for many moon cycles. I need to know.
“Koschei wants to have sex with me for the purpose of creating a child. Having sex is a biological process, which involves inserting the penis into the vagina.”
“I-I—but—that area is forbidden. We are not allowed to look at it. When I was cleaning the children, I had to pray with my eyes half-closed to avoid the darkness from entering. It is the place that holds our sins.” I recite Koschei’s teaching because it’s easier than thinking about what Tanya has just said. I have been naked in front of him, but nothing has ever been ‘inserted.’ My mouth dries at the memory of Koschei teaching the holy positions. On my back, with my legs open. Exposing my sins.
“The penis and the vagina are simply organs. Like our brains and our stomachs. They have a function, and having sex can be very pleasurable. But”—she raises a finger when she sees my mouth open to protest—“there are rules about how to do it so it doesn’t cause damage to any of the people partaking in it, and to society. Society is like lots of big villages connected together.”
“I know. I read about it in the history book. There was nothing about this sex thing there, though.” I let go of her and shuffle back. Her presence is suddenly too big around me, suffocating me almost as Koschei’s does. “What are the rules?”
“All people involved must want to do it and have to be able to express that. This means that if someone is too young to make a decision, or isn’t awake, or isn’t able to convey their wishes for any reason, no one forces them to have sex.”
“Okay, but if you wanted to get to the outcome, which is immortality, then it’s okay, right?”
“There is no immortality,” Tanya whispers, getting a bit impatient. “There is an idea that parents live on through their children and grandchildren. They achieve immortality because there are those who remember them after their death. The point of the immortality ritual is to create a child that will continue the bloodline.”
“I know about bloodlines. Like the three brothers who had to outwit the king to get the princess.” Things are starting to make a little bit of sense. I want to ask about death now because we don’t die. We go to Nav, and that’s the whole point of this life, isn’t it?
But Tanya silences me again with her finger, not allowing any questions.
“There is another rule: you don’t have sex with people from your bloodline,” she says.
“Why not?”
“Because it creates weak, ill children. Humans with diseases and deformities that can be easily avoided by mixing different bloodlines.”
I blink at her. Her explanation sounds like one of Koschei’s moral stories. Delivered with fervor, but missing the part that will truly help me understand. I look at her quietly, expecting her to continue, but she only stares back at me. After we’re silent for a long moment, she sighs.
“To make a child, you need a man and a woman. To make a healthy child, you need a man and a woman from different bloodlines. Think about our village. How many men were there?”
“Just Koschei.” This question is easy.
Tanya stares at me again.
As I stare back, I notice the planes of her face as if for the first time. She has high cheekbones and round eyes. Her lips are equally full and curve a little bit at the edges, even when they’re relaxed. Her eyelashes are long but blond, so they’re not always visible.
Like mine. Like my mother’s. Like her mother’s. Like Koschei’s.
“He doesn’t follow the rules,” I whisper. “He kept the bloodlines pure.”
“Yes,” Tanya says quietly. “He is my father and my grandfather. He is my mother’s father. He is your mother’s father. And your father.”
I pull my knees to my chest and let my head fall on them. It’s heavy with the knowledge that something is fundamentally wrong with my world.
Then it’s like the clouds part and I see Tanya for the first time. A memory comes to me from somewhere deep inside. I’m running in an endless white field. The cold bites my cheeks, but inside, I’m so warm and happy. I stumble and fall into the sparkling snow.
“????????!”
A young Tanya, younger than I am now, turns me over and plops next to me. We look at the sky, which is as white as the snow, and giggle.
“You’re my sister,” I whisper as I come back to the present. “You used to call me????????. Little sausage.”
“Yes. But after we moved away, I forgot about it. Koschei’s rituals got more and more upsetting, and I closed myself off. It was the only way to survive. And I intend to survive again, but this time, I won’t abandon you. We will either be free together, or we’ll die together.”
Chapter 38
Last week, those Crossfire guys caught me unprepared. I was trying to be a normal guy, struggling to do better to understand Tanya and Jenya and their difficult situations as cult survivors.
