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And somewhere along the way, I pushed a big part of me aside. I was too scared to let it out—after all, I always fuck things up. But thinking back, I’ve always done what I thought I should, and not what I wanted.
I kept quiet when the atrocities in Lavender were being committed because I thought the Arcana’s order should always come first.
I left Tanya’s side after Valerie’s death and Lavender’s fall because I thought she needed time to process the events alone and recover.
I never told her that in all these years, it was only her who kept me bartending for monsters. That if I could have my five minutes with her at the end of every day, it would be enough.
And now, as my fingers thrum with the feeling of poorly contained emotion and I put explosives in an armored case, I know I was wrong.
Five minutes will never be enough.
The thought of losing her to Koschei makes my whole body tense, as if I’m bracing for an explosion that never comes.
She got us out last time. This time, she probably thinks it’s a suicide mission only she can pull off.
Well, I’m coming, too. And I’m bringing with me a whole village of people who love her.
Fuck fighting alone.
Chapter 39
When will it happen? I sit on the bed, my knee bumping up and down as I wait for someone to come and take me to Koschei.
Then, I will either save myself or die and doom Jenya to a life of sexual slavery. The current running through my limbs loops around my whole body like an electric charge I have to force out or it will electrocute me from the inside. It’s the same feeling I had before I decided to go after Valerie.
It tastes like a life-changing decision at the tip of my tongue.
“I have made my peace with it,” Jenya says out of nowhere.
It was nice they left our rooms unlocked so we can spend time together, but all other inside or outside doors are locked and my lock picking skills fail me under pressure. I managed to open one door, and the room was empty. After I almost got caught by one of the guards, I gave up. My attempts to get her out before I face Koschei were fruitless. He probably thinks spending time with her would bring me back to the old ways. No fucking way.
“What are you talking about?” I ask.
“You are going to do something tonight at dinner. Something that will release all the stored darkness inside you.” Jenya comes to me, pushing the bundle of clothes the security men brought with our lunch.
“What makes you say that?” I don’t want to dress in the rough, ugly clothes that Koschei deems appropriate. They’re difficult to fight in and have no obvious place for me to store my knife and lock picks securely.
She points to the side of her chest. “You brought something with you.”
“Are you going to tell Koschei?”
“After everything you told me?” She shakes her head. “I have made my peace with the fact that my village and my life before the fire are gone. I will not stand in your way.”
Her eyes are sad, but it’s like all that we talked about earlier has numbed her feelings. I told her about what Damien did to our previous compound, the role I played in it, and the truth about death.
It would have probably been too much for a normal seventeen-year-old, but when you’ve been through what we’ve both been? It gives you an agelessness that can’t be hidden.
The bruises on her arms and legs, and probably spread under her linen dress, are proof that being obedient to Koschei doesn’t equal peace. When I told her that it’s abnormal for people to be beaten in the outside world, darkness or not, she burst into tears.
Since she calmed, her face has been blank. She’s processing.
Under my fear of Koschei and what’s to come, two feelings nest into the soil of my heart like little flower seeds.
One is happiness that my little half-sister, despite everything, survived long enough for us to meet again and reconnect.
The other one is my cynical doubt that it won’t last. Nothing in my life truly lasts. I just survive through the suffering.
The dining room is dimly lit, and this time there are only three chairs. Dawn and her rich father are nowhere to be seen.
