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CHAPTER 34
COLLEEN
Colleen rolled to her side and reached for Finn, but he wasn’t there. It was quiet. No sound of water running in the bathroom, or noise from the kitchen. She sat up suddenly. A ribbon of light peeked under the bedroom door. He must be in the living room. She took a quick look at her phone. It was only six-fifteen.
She switched on the bedside lamp and flopped back against the pillows. She hadn’t slept well because she’d been worried about Finn’s reaction. He’d listened to her and was considerate, saying all the right things to make her feel reassured. But the fact he wasn’t here worriedher.
She looked over at theIrish mythology book on the nightstand and slipped out the photograph Finn had taken of her. Colleen studied it carefully and remembered vividly who that girl was. She’d been so determined to succeed and certain that she would.
Tucking the photograph back inside, Colleen flipped through the pages, and came to an abrupt stop. Her father’s distinctive handwriting was in the margin beside the entry for Clíodhna. He wrote:My Irish queen.She covered her mouth with a hand. Clíodhna was a powerful queen in Irish mythology. The goddess of love and beauty, she was also the patron of County Cork, Colleen’s paternal ancestors’ birthplace. She turned to the title page and found her father’s entry:
Finn,
I hope this book of Irish mythology is useful for your studies. Understanding the myths is an importantpart of Irish medieval history.
Remember, who you want wants you in return. Hint: see the entry on page 164.
Fondly,
Jimmy Murphy
Colleen lovingly ran her fingers across the page, as if by tracing each word she was somehow touching her father’s hand. She would give anything to see his warm smile or hear his comforting voice one more time. She sucked in a breath and wiped a tear away, her mind buzzing with so many thoughts. So this was how Finn knew her legal name. He called her Clíodhna that same night in the park. Her father must have been aware of the attraction between Finn and his daughter. Did his comment mean he was giving Finn his blessing to date his daughter?
There was only one way to find out. She picked up the book, scrambled out of bed, and went in search of Finn.
She found him sitting on the couch, his head leaning against his shoulder. He wore briefs and a T-shirt, with his laptop open beside him. He must have fallen asleep reading something on his computer.
She padded toward him as quietly as she could, setting the laptop and the mythology book on the coffee table. The movement of the computer made the screen come alive. He’d been reading an article about survivors of childhood sexual abuse and their partners.
Her eyes pricked with tears. Finn hadn’t known about this for twenty-four hours and he was already trying to understand what had happened to her. She scanned the article and the familiar terms stood out: dissociation, triggers, and shame. Technical terms, but each word held personal significance for her journey toward healing.
“You should be in bed,” Finn said, his voice sleepy.
“I should be in bed with you,” she said, sitting beside him and curling into his chest.
He pulled her close and they sat together for a few minutes until Colleen broke the silence. “I don’t want this to come between us.”
“It won’t.” He rolled her in his arms. “I want to know how to help. But for now, I’ll put it away and focus on you.” He gave her a kiss and sat up to close the lid on the laptop and stopped. He lifted the mythology book in his hand. “Why is this here?”
“You didn’t tell me my father gave you the book.”
His cheeks turned a little pink. “It was a gift. He thought I would be interested in it.”
“So that’s how you knew my name is Clíodhna?”
“Yeah,” he said, thumbing through the pages.
It was more than just the fact he knew her legal name. Her name meant something to him. His reason for making a reference to her name had puzzled her since the funeral. “Why did you make the comment about me being a queen when I saw you after the funeral?”
He lifted his eyes to hers, saying in a quiet voice, “Because it’s how I see you. That’s why I kept the picture. You’re beautiful, but you’re also intelligent and strong. I hated to see you with someone like Brian. He might be rich, but he’s too self-centered to ever appreciate you.”
Colleen sat still for a moment, taking in the significance of what Finn was telling her. “Then why didn’t you tell me how you feel?”
He shook his head, glancing away.
“Finn?” She placed her hand on his face and turned him toward her. She needed to know the truth. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I don’t deserve you,” he said, his voice choked with emotion, his expression deeply pained.
