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“I love Colleen. I’ll do anything for her.”
Jalane gave him a tight nod. “I appreciate that, but I’m more interested in your feelings. I want to know how Colleen’s experience affects you. This is a serious subject, and not all partners know what to do, much less how to feel when they listen to what happened.” She tilted her head. “Let me put it to you another way. What was your reaction when Colleen told you about the abuse?”
“My first reaction was anger at the animal who abused her.” He paused to gather his thoughts. He needed to be honest about the guilt he carried about his past. “What happened to Colleen forced me to examine my own treatment of women in the past. I was never concerned they might have been in similar circumstances like Colleen’s.”
“That’s commendable of you,” she said with a nod. “But, it’s impossible to know a woman’s history of abuse unless she shares it with her partner. We also discussed Colleen’s sexual challenges in the past. She tells me you’re both enjoying an active sex life.”
“Umm…yes, we are,” he said. No kidding, she was direct.
“Colleen has a history of difficulty achieving an orgasm with a partner in the past. And so far, she hasn’t had any problems with you. She trusts you, and that is something that needs to be remembered as your relationship evolves. Do you have any thoughts about that?”
Colleen turned to him, her eyes trustful, but cautious. He’d move heaven and earth to keep her trust. He gave her a reassuring smile and squeezed her hand. “I’m honored by her trust, and I’ll do everything I can to make her feel safe.”
“Colleen?” Jalane prompted. “Any comments about what Finn said?”
Colleen blinked a few times and chewed her lip. “I’m a little concerned my past and sexual issues will make Finn too careful with me; like I’m fragile, or something. I don’t want this issue to hang over us forever. It will always be part of my past, but I don’t want it to interfere with our future together.”
Finn was puzzled by what Colleen said. After everything he had learned, how could he not be careful with her? “Do you have any suggestions for us?”
“Communication,” Jalane said, her smile sincere. “It’s your responsibility to check in with each other during sex—both of you. If something doesn’t feel right, you must communicate with each other. Finn, never think a sexual act can heal Colleen. And Colleen, remember recovery is a process. You might not climax every time. Enjoy each other, but don’t put too much pressure on yourselves, okay?”
“Okay,” Finn and Colleen said in unison.
CHAPTER 39
COLLEEN
Colleen’s eyes opened when the bed shifted. The room was semi-dark, the city lights muted by the gauzy curtains. With a quiet sigh, Finn got out of bed and left the bedroom.
Curling her knees to her chest, she tried to get back to sleep, tossing and turning for over an hour. The last time he did this was after she told him what happened to her, but now? What could make him want to leave her alone? In frustration, she rolled onto her back with an arm over her eyes, struggling not to cry. After their call with Jalane, Finn had insisted on taking a bath together and giving her a massage. He’d taken care of her with attention to her every need, but they didn’t make love.
She wanted to give Finn time to consider everything he’d learned, but he was distant, and that worried her. Would he ever be able to make love to her and not have her past come between them?
Switching on the bedside lamp, Colleen rolled out of bed. Drawing the curtains aside, she gazed out the window for a few minutes, taking in the twinkling lights of the city. She turned away and scanned Finn’s bedroom. It was simply furnished with cream-colored walls, taupe and light khaki linens on the pedestal bed. But the empty bed taunted her. She needed him, and if they had a future together, she didn’t want him to treat her like glass.
She left the bedroom and headed for the living room, but there was no sign of him anywhere. The terrace door was open, and the sounds of the city filtered into the loft. She walked to the terrace and stepped outside. It was still warm with a touch of coolness in the air.
Finn was sitting on a lounger wearing only pajama bottoms, reading something on his iPad.
Colleen stepped quietly to him and took the iPad out of his hands.
“Hey,” he said, glancing up in surprise.
She set the iPad on a nearby table. He’d been on a website for abuse survivors and continued researching the subject. What he needed to do was talk to her.
Without a word, Colleen straddled him, taking his face in her hands. Scrutinizing him, she noted the wariness flicker through his eyes. She kissed him with slow deliberation until his mouth opened, allowing her tongue to slip inside. He yielded to her with a gentle sigh, his arms sliding under her tank top to caress her back as he deepened their kiss.
Colleen nestled in close to his chest, pressing her mouth against his neck, savoring his warm hands on her skin. For long minutes, they held each other without saying a word. If he wanted reassurance from her about what she needed, she would have to be the one to give him a roadmap.
Pulling away from him, Colleen said, “Look at me, Finn.”
His expression was contemplative, and his eyes were filled with sorrow.
“Please don’t pity me. I couldn’t bear it if every time you look at me you see a hurt little girl. You need time to understand all this, but in the meantime, I need you. I’m still the same girl you fell in love with. I’m still the same girl who fell in love with you. And that’s an amazing thing after all these years. No one has ever made me feel the way you do. When you touch me, I don’t want you to think about the past, I need you with me now.”
His eyes glistened with tears. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
Colleen gave him a gentle kiss. “I love everything we do. You’re sensual and attentive, but I meant what I said to Jalane. I don’t want you to be too careful with me.”
