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“You should be allowed to relax.”
“I relax plenty.”
“Is that why I found you sick under your desk a few days ago?” He glanced over at her.
“I have a lot of work to get done, you know?” she replied, eyes on the scenery outside.
“You need to remember to separate. It’s going to burn you out at the rate you’re going,” he told her.
She hummed and looked away from the window. “There’s not much time for rest. Not with the data thief on the loose. I have to be in the labs with Lou. She needs me.”
Anton said nothing for a second. And when he spoke again, Grace felt like he had cut to the core of her.
“It’s okay to exist without them.”
“What are you talking about?” She crossed her arms over her chest and did her best to keep her breathing even. Even as she asked the question she knew what he meant, because it was a guilt that she wrestled with constantly.
“They need you in their lives just as much as you need them in yours,” he spoke up, breaking her from her thoughts. “There’s no need to run yourself ragged trying to please everyone. They’re adults.”
She shook her head. “It’s not that simple, okay?”
“Then tell me about it.”
She flashed back to the last time she’d seen her parents, standing together on the front porch of their home in New Mexico, shoulder to shoulder, looking like twins rather than lovers. Their tired faces had been drawn tight, their mouths pressed into thin lines that she had willed to turn up, to mirror the smile on her own. It hadn’t happened, and they stared at her blank-faced—but not without that air of exhaustion that always seemed to hang over her family.
As a child she had learned to be quieter, to speak softer and laugh at an acceptable volume. It seemed when she was more restrained her parents could be around her for longer, though they never seemed to reallyseeher, not even then when she left for college.
Or even later when she came to tell them she was leaving for Geneva.
They had accepted the news with a nod and then asked if she was hungry, before excusing themselves and sitting down in front of the television. It had hurt, sitting in the kitchen and listening to the sound of the latest shitty sitcom blaring from the next room.
That night, Grace had slipped from the house and decided to stop seeking approval from parents who barely seemed to recognize that they had a daughter. It was insane to keep looking to them for validation. She was going to have to make her own home, share her love and warmth with people smart enough to stay, and that was how the ragtag group of science misfits had come together under the behest of her wrangling powers. It had been rough at first, managing so many science-fascinated smartypantses, but she had found her stride, and now she couldn’t think of life without them.
She sighed and turned to face Anton. She was treated to a view of his profile, and she let her eyes linger on him for an indulgent second. He was her boyfriend. He’d made sure she was taken care of when she was sick. Gone along with her science stakeout. Rescued a party for her. And now he was taking her away for the weekend. She could almost pinch herself. How was this her life now? She couldn’t even keep her own parents interested long enough to tell them about her new life.
“It’s complicated,” she said, after perhaps staring just a little too long at him—so long, in fact, that he had cleared his throat and shot her a quick sidelong look that was universal code for: are you still there?
“Things are usually only complicated because we make them that way.”
“Easy for you to say.”
“Meaning?” he asked, and Grace didn’t miss the strained tone that entered his voice. Just perfect. She always put her foot in her mouth when she thought about her family. They had the ability to make her feel like the insecure gawky teenager she’d once been—too bad she resorted to the same defensive coping mechanisms when she took a tumble down memory lane.
“Just—look,I’m sorry,” she said. “I just mean that people have probably always wanted you around.”
He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. “And why wouldn't anyone want you around?”
“Like I said. It’s complicated. That’s all. Can we just forget it?”
He made a noncommittal sound and they continued to drive on in silence. She forced herself not to fill the silence and looked back out the window instead. She had a habit of chattering when she didn’t need to. She’d gotten better at handling the silence, but now she practically choked on the words she wanted to spew. She fidgeted, hands going to tuck themselves beneath her when he said nothing and continued to drive. A few more seconds crawled by before she dared to glance in his direction.
His hands were steady on the steering wheel. His head was tilted, as if in contemplation, and she felt very near to passing out when he finally spoke.
“It’s just that…” he began, voice trailing off as he sped up past a truck.
“Just that what?” she asked, unable to keep her mouth shut for another damn second.
“I just wish you would be gentler with yourself, Gracie.”
