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Anger and shame mixed in my blood and tasted sour on the back of my tongue.
I was such an idiot to believe anything he said.
Seff stayed silent and waited for me to go on.
“When the full moon arrived, so did my heat.”
All Tillman had said and what he’d done flashed through my memory like a viral video. It was strange I could let it play out and not feel the devastating betrayal I’d felt before. I’d promised Seff I’d tell him everything and not hold anything back, but some memories were still too painful to share right then.
“He said I wasn’t old enough or mature enough to bring his offspring into the world. Then he left. It hurt so much. I thought maybe, he was right. That’s what he did. He was so damn good at convincing me I wasn’t...worthy.”
A deep growl rumbled against my back as Seff’s anger sparked my blood. But he let me go on without saying a word.
“He drilled my unworthiness into me repeatedly with so much conviction that it was difficult for me to see the truth. He knew exactly what to say to make me feel ashamed and believe everything was my fault.” I shook my head in frustration. “He made me feel like I needed to apologize for driving him away. I stayed up all night and into the next day to apologize. He stumbled in around noon. The scent of other wolves all over him. And bite marks. So many bite marks. Above all else, those bites marks cut me the deepest. He’d never marked me or let me mark him. In all the months I’d stayed with him, he’d never once put his teeth to my flesh.”
“Did he ever force himself on you?” Seff’s words were a low menacing growl.
“No, not really. I would say Tillman manipulated me in such a way that when I think about it now, I ended up begging for his attention. It’s hard to explain.”
Shame washed through me. I wanted to run and hide.
“I smell what’s coming off you right now. There is not one fucking thing you need to feel ashamed of. Tillman was a dick, and you didn’t deserve what he put you through.”
“No, I didn’t deserve any of it, but I stayed, which was my fault. So, yes, I’ll take some of the blame. After everything Till had done to me, I didn’t find the courage to leave until he betrayed me. I saw who he was, and who I was to him.”
I lifted my right hand from the water and focused. Silky white-blonde fur covered my forearm and hand with pale two-inch claws sliding out from the tips of my fingers.
“Tillman never knew I could’ve killed him within seconds. I remember the last time I used these claws. How the blood had coated each one and dripped into the snow at my feet.” And how, if given a chance, I’d use them again in a heartbeat.
Desire flowed like lava through my bond, the heat sinking deep into my core.
Seff groaned. “Fuck.” His erection hardened and twitched against my back.
Seff likes my claws.
I curled my hand into a loose fist and smoothed the backs of my claws over his forearm. Then carefully dragged the sharp tips back toward his hand. His entire body shuddered in pleasure as he grabbed my fingers.
“One of these days,sakana, I’d love to see what you can do.” He nipped my earlobe, sending a sharp bolt of excitement through my blood. “Right now, though, you’re gonna finish telling me what that asshole did to you. I want that shit behind us so we can get on with our lives.”
I released my focus and let my wolf slip away until I felt Seff’s warm hand against my bare fingers.
“When he came back, it was the first time he didn’t manipulate me into having sex. That’s all I was to him—the female he kept for sex. But, no, he was too busy blaming me and my predictable bodily functions for forcing him into the arms of another wolf, or five.” I waved my free hand in the air, parroting Tillman’s accusations. “If I really loved him, blah, blah, blah. If I really cared about him, blah, blah, blah. If I really knew him at all,blah, blah, blah.” I slammed my fist down on the side of the bathtub. “Stupid, lying jerkface!”
I wasn’t sure if the anger simmering in my veins was all mine or a combination of mine and Seff’s.
“I’m guessin’ that narcissistic son of a bitch really didn’t know you at all, much less give half a flying fuck about you. Otherwise, he would’ve known he’d finally pushed you too far, as in right out thedamndoor.”
I released Seff’s hand and leaned forward. Turning my head, I pressed my cheek against my bent knees. “I’d learned not to engage. I’d trained myself to say nothing, mostly to avoid his rage-rants. But, when I saw the bite marks, I knew.” My breath hitched as I fought back angry tears. “I knew... I’d...wasted...so much time...and so many tears...on a male who lied to me...with every breath.”
Seff would never shame me, threaten me, or use deception or coercion to bend me to his will. Seff was not that kind of male. He was one of the worthiest males I’d ever known, and I loved him with my entire being.
I’m not worthy of him.
The flood of tears welled up and filled my eyes. I didn’t even try to fight them. I covered my face with my hands and cried in great weeping sobs.
Seff leaned forward, his chest against my back, and wrapped his arms around me. He let me cry. He didn’t push me away or scold me. He didn’t tell me to get over it or stop crying.
After a while, when I’d caught my breath, Seff said, “You really needed a moment, didn’t you?”
