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The guilt that descends upon me might just eat me alive.
“Sorry,” he says. “Sometimes it’s easier to make fun of a shitty situation, y’know?”
I can’t hold it against him. I have no recollection of the trauma we’ve both been through. Theo’s lived and retained every second of it. He had to deal with me when I was Catherine, and that alone sounds like the stuff of nightmares. “It’s okay. I get it. And…I’msorry,” I say. “I’ll never be able to make any of this up to you. I don’t even know where to start—”
“Don’t.” He squeezes me. “You don’toweme anything. Let’s throw this thing in reverse. You asked me a question at lunch?”
“The virginity thing?” It doesn’t even seem important anymore.
“Mmhmm.”
“It’s okay. We don’t have to—”
“It was before the accident. You were you. I was your first.”
“And I was yours?” He’s quiet. Too quiet. I push away from him, laughing, a little scandalized. Looking up at him, I slap his chest playfully. “Were you a raging man-whore before I moved back from New York? I’mshocked!”
“No! Fuck!No!”He can’t keep the grin off his face, though. He’s self-conscious. I can see it in his eyes, and it’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen. “I slept with one person before you. One time. She was…” he cringes, “…a Swedish exchange student.”
A bark of laughter explodes from my chest. “You’re lying!”
“I’m not.” His eyes crinkle at the corners.
“You are fuckinglying!”
“I swear to god I’m not. I told you about her in an email when you were living with your uncle. Any idea what her name was?” he prompts. He’s started doing this—asking me random questions about little things, to see if I’ll remember.
“Uhhh…” I wrack my brain. I have no specific recall of the email he sent me, so I guess instead. “Helga?”
He sobers a little. “Annika. She was two years older than me. And she hadsomuch pubic hair.”
“Oh my god. Stop. I can’t. I can’t.”
“It was a terrible experience all around. I never…it nevercountedto me,” he says, becoming very serious now. “I was too young to know what I was doing, and it didn’t mean anything. When you and I slept together for the first time? We’d waited forever. I mean…” He raises his eyebrows, pulling a face. “Forever,” he emphasizes. “We teased the shit out of each other. Made each other come every chance we got. But the actual act of sex? We both wanted it to mean something. And it did. We were in New York. We’d gone to see your uncle before he died. It was also my birthday. We went to this amazing sushi restaurant for dinner.”
I remember. Not the trip that he’s recounting, but the time when he stood in my bedroom doorway, a matter of weeks ago. He’d asked me a question, while I threatened to hurl a snow globe at his head.
“Have you ever been to New York?”
“What?”
“It’s a simple question. Have you ever been to New York?”
“Why would I have a snow globe of New York if I hadn’t?”
His mouth had turned down.“I don’t know. People collect those things. People give them as gifts. Where’s your favorite place in the world?”
I hadn’t been able to answer him then, and I still can’t now. A profound sense of loss swamps me, making my chest ache. “Youbought me that snow globe. The one in my room,” I say.
Theo, about to continue his story, stops short. His shoulders sagging a little. “You said the skyline reminded you of Christmas and how you’d look out of the window and daydream about coming to see me for the holida—”
“Stop!”
Theo freezes, immediately anxious. “What? Is it your head? Is it hurting?”
“No, no, I’m okay. I just—” I don’t know how to explain myself. I have to try, though. “I changed my mind. I don’t want you to tell me this. I want the chance to remember. It sounds like it was…special…”
Theo’s eyes shine brightly. His cheeks are a little red, his color high. “It was more than that. It was everything.”
