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She walked away, ignoring the tearing of something inside as she forced herself to disconnect, conscious of Xander still standing where she’d left him. As she turned the car onto the track, he was still there, his posture stiff, his face unreadable. This was different to that last argument four years ago, when he’d started by accusing her of not caring enough to come with him. Of clinging to her place here at the Crossing, the whole thing ending with him sneering at her for wanting to tie him down for the sake of the trappings that came with his fame. A bribe to get her to let go of the Crossing.
This time it had been her who’d said things he couldn’t ignore or gloss over. Things that went to the heart of who he was. She doubted even he could pretend it hadn’t happened next time they met.
Chapter Fourteen
The buzz Xanderusually felt before a big show was remarkably absent this evening. The crew had finished setting up the stage late yesterday, so all he’d needed to do today were the usual sound tests and a quick run through of the program to make sure the band were comfortable with the new songs. His phone vibrating penetrated his abstraction finally and he pulled it from his shirt pocket. Tinker’s parents had arrived. He always felt guilty facing them. As if he hadn’t done enough to save their son. It almost made it worse that they didn’t blame him. They’d hardly had time for more than a few words when he and Leo had flown back with the body for the funeral before returning to the tour.
Leo was waiting for him by the stage door, a security guard holding back the sprinkling of eager fans. A few screams told him they’d spotted him, so he waved briefly, triggering more screams, before escorting Mr and Mrs Tinknell down to the crowded green room below the stage area.
Drawing him aside, while Ben and Andrew greeted Tinker’s parents and offered condolences, Leo explained what he’d planned.
“Their seats are down the front with Bonnie and Tamara’s, so I’ve organised with them to come and take them up once we need to clear backstage.”
Xander’s stomach clenched at the thought of facing Bonnie after their confrontation the other day. Neither of them had come out of it unscathed, but at least she’d been honest about her feelings. He’d never expected her to admit to being scared. He’d been too busy dealing with his fears to consider she might have fears of her own. Of course she was scared if her health could be a problem in living out her dreams for the future.
She’d been prepared to take risks to make her hopes for a family come true. He’d run from the possibility of failure, of losing her. It was cowardice. He’d used his abandonment issues as an excuse to disengage from life, from caring. All because he was afraid to face hurt. He could write about it, letting those feeling free in his songs, but he couldn’t live it. Even Leo had looked at him like Xander had crawled from under a stone when he’d told him Bonnie had given up on him. As if he’d deserved it. In all honesty, he had to agree. Running away without talking because Bonnie wouldn’t find having kids easy was senseless when you looked at it objectively. She didn’t choose to have health problems, but it had been such a shock, the way she’d dumped the information on him. He’d reacted badly.
How he’d been behaving went against everything he wrote about love for his songs. Love didn’t run away because it was hard. Leo’s mum had an embroidered quote in their dining room that said something like, “Perfect Love Casts Out Fear.” An old-fashioned version of an internet meme. A truth presented in a bite-sized form, but not so easy to digest. How did you know if your love was perfect?An absence of fear?Maybe it was, because somewhere in the last few days he’d realised he didn’t want to run. He wanted to be with Bonnie, even if it was hard and there were risks. Because with Bonnie it would be worth it.
Only now it was too late. He’d kept her at a distance all these years. Even when they’d been together, he’d held back from her, keeping their relationship on the surface. She’d seen who he was clearly, even though he’d been trying to hide, afraid she would reject who he was. He’d pushed her too far away and now she’d decided he wasn’t worth the effort. He couldn’t blame her.
A stir at the door and Xander turned from watching Leo talking to the Tinknells. Tamara came first, in a slightly western blue blouse and fringed skirt with Colin as a matching cowboy on her hip. Bonnie entered the room close behind. She looked… beautiful. Her dress was a flowy green thing with a medieval cut to the long sleeves and she’d left her hair out, the mass of curls framing her face in tiny ringlets and falling down her back in a glossy torrent. The words almost wrote themselves as lyrics formed in his head.
Mrs Tinknell lit up at the sight of Colin and moved across to take the eager boy from Tamara. “Hello again, Colin Junior.”
Bonnie’s eyes caught his, widening as she made the connection. She looked away immediately, losing colour. Yeah. Things would not be the same now. Not that he was going to let her avoid him. He was done running away.
“Thanks for coming.”
She shrugged dismissively. “No problem.” Her gaze shifted back to the boy. “He’s Tinker’s son?”
Xander nodded, moving away with her to let the Tinknells make much of their grandson. “We went to see them last weekend so they could meet Colin. And Tamara. It’s taken all this time to convince Tamara to meet them.”
Bonnie looked at the family group. “Tinker’s name was Colin? I can see why he might change it.” She shifted unobtrusively so his arm didn’t brush against hers. He noticed the subtle movement and let it go.
“Not a great name for a sexy country music star?”
She snorted, her nose wrinkling. “Hard to imagine it catching on. How did he manage to keep it under wraps?”
“I can’t remember exactly, maybe around grade two, he simply stopped answering to Colin. The teachers had to give in eventually. The principal told them they couldn’t keep sending him up to the office.”
“Stubborn. Like Colin Junior. Except he seems to like the name. Mind you, anything would be better than Coddles. You really managed to persuade Tamara to see Tinker’s parents?”
“He’s their only grandson. Tinker’s sister can’t have children.”
“I didn’t know. But I haven’t seen Pammie since they moved away.”
There was an awkward silence as Xander tried to think of something innocuous to say. Bonnie was looking around at the others in the room, avoiding looking at him. He hated it. Hated the distance she was emphasising by her physical rigidity and refusal to engage even by meeting his eyes.
He was almost relieved when Leo nudged him, and he responded to the hint. At least talking about Colin and Tamara had kept a reluctant Bonnie with him for a few moments on a neutral subject. The concert would be starting soon. The O’Brien boys had left the green room already, to start off the night. He couldn’t see Zac, but the organisers had given him and his guys a separate room to prepare, in consideration of his greater celebrity.
Bonnie smiled at Leo, stirring jealousy in Xander’s gut. “We’ll head up and get settled.”
With a nod to Leo, Xander touched her arm as she moved away. “I hope you enjoy the concert.”
“I’m sure I will.”
“There’re a couple of new songs. I hope you like them.”
