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“Where would you live if you sold?”
“Does it matter?” He walked away and she followed him to the rim of the levelled ground. The noise of the bulldozer was louder, the dirt creating a haze, blurring the view of the clock tower.
There was something about his expression as he looked towards the town. “You’d miss it if you left, wouldn’t you?”
“Yeah.” He shoved his long fingers deep into the pockets of his plaid jacket. “I’ve never felt as comfortable anywhere else. Like I’m me.”
Had he changed over the years since he’d declared he hated the Crossing and couldn’t wait to leave? Or in those early years had he been afraid to admit to liking the place? Afraid of being trapped in some reality she didn’t understand?
More and more Bonnie was re-evaluating her view of Xander. He said things but his actions didn’t match. She’d pegged him as being shallow, but maybe he was afraid of the deep. Afraid of where it would take him, so he kept things light.
There was so much pain in him. So much fear. She’d never realised how he’d drawn on it with some of his songs until his revelations about his past. The ones that left you choked up with tears in your eyes. She’d thought him clever with words. Talented at finding the right combination of lyrics and music to ensnare his listeners. All along he’d been revealing hidden depths in the safe space of his songs and at the same time, using flippancy as armour to keep everyone at a distance in his personal life.
“I don’t know what to say, Xander. I can’t convince you to stay. If your grandparents aren’t reason enough, I don’t know what would matter enough to you.”
He shot a glance at her, his brows drawn together. “Don’t you?”
Her heart tripped into gear. He couldn’t mean her, could he? “We already agreed we wouldn’t work.”
“I always find out I’ve agreed to something after the event with you, Bonnie Callaghan. I wonder why that is.”
“I don’t know. Maybe I’m reading too much into things you say.”
“Or not enough.” He dragged one hand out of his pocket and forked it through the strands of hair whipped by the wind. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to reopen the discussion. You’ve made yourself perfectly clear.”
She had?Maybe she had. Every word she’d said demonstrated her lack of trust, her inability to believe he could want ordinary Bonnie Callaghan. Xander had no reason to trust anyone after his childhood, so the pair of them were doomed to repel each other when they got too close.
“We’re like magnets facing each other with negative poles. I don’t know how to turn things around. How to switch polarity so we’d be able to meet in the middle somehow.”
“I’m not sure if that’s a mixed metaphor or some really lousy song lyrics.” He was back to Xander Mac, a wry grin masking his thoughts.
“You’re the musician. I’m a cook. Better at mixing things up.”
Something sparked in his eyes, but it died before she could get her hopes up. She kept going, feeding herself a faint soupçon of hope. “We could talk about it. Look at options.”
He turned to face her, eyes bleak. “I’m tired of talking. We never get anywhere. I don’t know if it’s worth the trouble.”
The tightness in her chest sharpened into pain. “You mean I’m not worth the trouble.”
“When have I ever said that? I think I might have been right about you. Maybe you do only see me as the great and wonderful Xander Mac, country star and hot stud. Good for a lay, but nothing more. You need to make up your mind about who I am. About who you are. You’ve never seen me as a real person. Husband and father material.” He held up both hands, fingers forming air quotes. “Reliable.”
“I did before. Before you went away the first time.”
“That guy? He wasn’t worth anything. He wouldn’t have been any use to you.”
“I liked him.” Loved him forever. She’d had hope until he transformed himself into someone out of her reach. Maybe she’d been wrong about how far she could reach. Or maybe it was about them both being prepared to stretch.
He stared at her like she’d grown horns, a faint distaste curling his mouth. “I spent ten years turning myself into someone who mattered and you say you prefer me like I was? Like I’d believe that fairy tale.”
His eyes had a steely glint, narrowed under slanted brows. He was rejecting her words, and she knew why now. She could glimpse the fear he was pushing down, drawing on years of being Xander Mac to hide the boy inside. A boy who’d been powerless and made to feel like nothing. Who’d worked hard to turn himself into something, but still remembered the hollow terrors of the past. He wouldn’t want to go back there, even for her. There were so many things she wanted to say, but she didn’t know how. She had her own fears to struggle against. Xander’s were beyond her.
“I can’t help you, Xander. You don’t have to go, but if you stay, it’s all on you. That thing inside you that keeps you safe from being hurt, is also keeping you from living to the max. I was wrong not to give you time to think about the complications being married to me might bring to your life, our lives. Wrong not to leave the way open to talk about it properly. But you were quick enough to take the excuse and run. Maybe you’re scared, but I’m scared too. I don’t like looking at the future, just like you don’t like looking at the past. So yeah, I get we can’t meet in the middle and that’s okay.”
She stopped to take a breath and Xander stood there, his face blank.
“Are you quite finished?”
“Absolutely finished. Finished, done and dusted.” She illustrated her point with a brush of her palms together.
