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Chapter 9 - Marian
After washing my hair and leaving it in loose twists to dry, I sat before my vanity to pull them out. I watched the curls bounce, silky and thick, but my mind was miles away.
I kept revisiting the kiss I shared with Dorian earlier. It was all I could think about after he left, hours after I got home, while cooking, and now as night fell, I was still thinking of him.
It was the heat of the moment, I told myself. That was all it had been.
He was emotional, and so was I. We got caught up, but then I thought that I should have been the one to pull away. He kissed me, and although I kissed him back, I was the one that should have ended it and reminded him that we were over.
We were over becausehe’dwanted us to be.
Instead, I'd lost myself for those split seconds that our lips had met.
With all my twists pulled out, I stared at myself in the mirror, and my face gradually morphed into a pissed-off grimace. Dorian's story had been heartbreaking. No one, him nor his team or anyone on any other teams, deserved such brutality, but all hunters knew the path they’d taken would include rough days.
They were brave, every hunter, no matter their species, but I wouldn't be toyed with. Dorian kissed me because of the moment, and that was all. I understood that he was in a vulnerable place, but I'd set boundaries, and he crossed them. So like I'd told myself, Dorian confirmed it. We couldn't be friends.
Hello, and goodbye was where our friendship needed to start and end because I wasn’t going to allow this to happen—I wasn’t going to let myself be pulled in by him—when for him it didn't mean the same as it did for me.
My fingers caressed my lips, gliding over the soft surface just as Dorian's lips had, and my shoulders dropped with defeat. I still loved him. Why? Why was I still in love with him? This man, this Dorian, wasn't entirely the same, he was scarred inside and out, and like when we’d met, it created a mystery I wanted to solve.
When we'd met, it was nice peeling back his layers just as he’d done with me and finding that we were perfect for each other. Now the past was repeating itself, but I wasn't sure I wanted to go down that road, or at least a part of me wasn't certain.
I got up, unable to stand the sight of myself because I was sitting here, losing my mind over a man I should have gotten over years ago. I thought I had, which was what made this so perplexing.
I’d buried my feelings under hate instead of facing them.
I didn’t get closure. Dorian said he wanted things to end, that I was human and didn’t age slowly, so he couldn't ask me to wait for him. Then I kept pushing, and he eventually said he didn’t love me anymore. That was the end of it, the final nail in the coffin.
I could have dwelled on it, but I used the pain to propel me forward instead of facing it.
I shook my head, laughing at my idiocy that I didn’t see this coming back to bite me in the ass. I'd known I'd see him again one day, and I never thought to prepare. I faked being okay for so long that I thought I was.
Even so, I wouldn't be sent into a spiral because he wanted to strut back into my life the way he left. No, that wasn’t going to happen.
Making my way downstairs, I grabbed a bottle of water from the kitchen and got comfortable on the sofa. I turned the TV on, hoping for some distraction, and it worked for a few minutes until I thought about Dorian again.
This time though, thoughts of him were accompanied by anger when I recalled him asking me to have dinner with him.
Did he really see me as such a pushover he thought he and I could have dinner, kiss, and make up like nothing happened, like he didn't tell me he didn't love me anymore? So what would he tell me now, that he had feelings for me again? Miraculously?
No matter what life he had after he left, he lived the life he wanted, and I wasn't going to be what he settled for after.
Grabbing my phone and car keys, I got in my car with one destination in mind, Dorian’s house. I wasn’t going to sit on this and let it fester and drive me nuts. I needed to remind him that I didn’t appreciate what he did today.
What he was going through was horrible, and I'd support him if or when he needed me but not romantically, not with the chance of him hurting me again.
***
I pulled up at Dorian's house and parked, but I remained inside the car for a few minutes. I stared at the house, one I’d spent so many days and nights in, weeks on end. We had picnics on the lawn, Nikoli and I had water fights, and we'd been happy.
All of that was gone now, ripped away. Dorian made his choice, and okay, but even so, he'd hurt me, and I couldn't just be with him again. I didn't trust him. He was retired, but what else would pop up that he'd choose over me?
I got out of the car, locked it, and while climbing the steps, the front door opened.
Dorian and I stared at each other until I pointed at him.
“I didn’t appreciate what you did today,” I said, getting straight to the point because it was best if I did. I needed to say what I intended and be done. “You shouldn’t have kissed me.”
