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Jonah
One by one, Professor A and Mr. Freeman call us into a meeting room in the main building, set up with three chairs around a bare table. No notes or materials allowed, not even a pen to fiddle with. Everyone waits in tense silence, lost in their thoughts like they’re about to interview for a seat on the Supreme Court. I’m jealous of how much this matters to them, even if Mr. Freeman said being desperate doesn’t make you a better person.
The door opens and Elliott comes out, looking exhausted. He points at me. “You’re next.” As he passes me, he whispers, “Just be yourself. Avery understands that everyone’s different.”
He means well, but that fucking stings.
Sophie glances up from her notes and shoots me a distracted smile. I can’t look her in the eye after last night, but something tells me she's as ready to give up trying and move on as I am.
Both men turn toward me as I enter, their sharp suits making me very aware of Elliott’s ill-fitting slacks and shirt. One glimpse of Mr. Freeman almost gives me a panic attack, so I focus my eyes on Avery in the awkward silence.
Just be yourself. Do your best. Avery understands.I’ve been clinging to that promise for months now as everything just keeps falling apart, no matter how hard I fight.
“Good morning, Jonah.”
I nod, fidgeting with my rolled-up left sleeve, which won’t stop sliding down over the end of my stump.
“Start by talking about your goals and interests.” God. Avery already sounds hesitant, like he wants to throw me softballs to keep me from screwing up.
“Er.” I concentrate, trying to give him what he wants so he’ll stop looking at me like that. “I like cars and working out. I’d love to travel after school, do some mountain climbing around the world.”
He blinks, then shakes his head with thatso-cute-but-so-stupidsmile. I don’t look at Gray because if he has that smile, I might break. “I meant pertaining to law, Jonah. The thing we’re all here for?”
“Oh.” I swallow painfully. “Sorry. I don’t know my goals. It’s just the first semester, right?”
“What topic that we’ve studied so far appealed to you the most?” He writes in his notebook, like I’ve said something profound.
Of course I can’t remember a single topic we’ve ever discussed. “I’m not sure.”
“Broadly speaking.”
I crush my hand between my knees.Anything. Say anything.“My dad has a small business he wants to expand. It would be cool to help him with the paperwork and licenses. So, I guess whatever kind of lawyer does that.”
“‘I guess whatever kind of lawyer does that?’” Mr. Freeman’s voice has an edge, jolting my eyes to his face. “You’re in your first year at an academically rigorous law school and that’s what you’ve come up with?”
“I—Excuse me?”
“Alright,” Avery interrupts, a warning in his voice. “Let’s go over some hypothetical professional scenarios and how you would handle them.”
Doing things is a lot easier than knowing things and a hell of a lot easier than talking about the future, so I’m pretty sure I get some answers right, even though I’m distracted by Mr. Freeman’s cologne drifting across the table, the same oiled leather smell from the plane. I thought about his scent last night in bed as I jerked off again, wishing for his hand around my neck, his nose pressed to my ear, his huge body crushing mine.
“Now that we’re warmed up,” Avery concludes, “tell me about what interests you.” When he sees my pleading look, he tries again. “What kind of internship are you going to look for?”
“One that’s close to my apartment?” Silence.Wrong answer.
“You don’t have to be practical, Jonah. I’m talking about your dream job. If you work for a company like your father’s, that’s corporate law. Does that interest you?”
Desperate, I change tactics. “Yes.”
“What about civil or criminal cases?”
“Yeah.”
Gray cuts in again, relentless. “That was an either-or question.”
I can feel my brain shutting down until all it can do is alternate betweenthis is seventy percent of your gradeandthis is punishment for what you did last night. “I don’t know.”
“Why the hell are you even here, Jonah?” His voice sounds hard and distant, the way he talks to other people but never to me. Like I never made him smile. Like I never made him come in his hand thinking of me.
