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Jonah
Summer is my favorite time of year, but I like autumn almost as much, the whole world perfectly clear and sharp and everything stripped away to make room for new life next year. A lot of people must agree with me, because the Palisades overlook parking lot is mostly full despite the freezing temperatures and trails of sludgy snow along the sidewalks.
Almost everyone pauses to admire Gray’s car as he locks it, and half of them take a minute to admire Gray, too. A couple of women swivel their heads all the way around, like owls, and gawk shamelessly at him.
Victor stands hunched up in the cold breeze, wearing a backwards Raiders ball cap and a neon pink windbreaker that completely covers his shorts. When Ethan starts down the path to the overlook, Victor jumps off the rock he’s balancing on and catches up to him, grabbing his hand and pulling him into a quick, messy kiss. They share a moment, foreheads together, speaking some language with their eyes that belongs to them and no one else. As they walk away, Ethan wraps his arm around Victor’s shoulders and kisses the top of his head.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve never seen a gay couple in real life. They’re not exactly crowding the streets of Hollow Creek. And yeah, I’m staring, because it’s raw and hot and electric in a way I never imagined. Like they’re one soul in two bodies and they don’t give a shit if anyone else has a problem with it.
As the two of them disappear down the path with Gray behind them, I dig the toe of my sneaker around the dead plants by the path, huddling deeper into Gray’s coat as I wonder what I’m supposed to be doing, how I fit into this picture. Three gorgeous gay men and Jonah the tiny bisexual himbo redneck. This all seemed so simple in my head.
Something brushes my right arm. Gray came back for me, standing there looking almost as awkward as I feel. He smiles, eyes soft, and holds out his hand in an invitation.
God. I’ve sucked a guy off and taken a guy up the ass and yet this is somehow the scariest thing I’ve done, right here where everyone can see. This is the part where I never go back. My heart is thudding so hard it hurts as I put my palm in his and he slides his fingers between mine, a solid anchor, our pulses resting together.
“Okay?” he asks gently, studying my face. He’s hiding his own nerves in the tension at the corners of his mouth, but I can still find them.
“Yeah.” I study our hands, linked together in the watery sunlight, my stubby fingernails and battered knuckles in his long, perfect fingers. When I look up, the sun catches pale in his eyelashes and I want to kiss him. But I’m not quite brave enough yet.
“Hurry up, dumbasses,” Victor calls over his shoulder.
I didn’t realize we were so high up in the air until we reach the edge. I lean over the stone barrier and examine the sluggish, murky river stretched out below us and the city on the far side crowded right up to the water. Gray and Ethan stop to read all the informational signs about geology and shit, so I let go of him and follow Victor down the path, looking for boats and river otters and dead bodies. We find one of those coin-operated binoculars on a pedestal, and between us we have enough quarters to make it work. Victor lies on his back on the wall, feet propped up on one of the posts, while I swivel the heavy metal eyepiece around, hunting for something interesting.
“Looks like the intern thing didn’t work out,” he comments after a while.
“We decided I was better at being a kept boy.”
He snorts, taking a cigarette out of his pocket and putting it in his mouth without lighting it. Before I can think it through, I add, “Seriously though, I’d probably be more useful as a kept boy. I don’t do anything.”
He tilts his head back so he can look at me without rolling over. “I’ve been teaching ten-year-olds how to swim at a rec center for two years. I’m starting my own swimming program now, but sometimes it just takes a while, you know?”
“But with Gray’s career, and the age thing…” I let the binoculars drop and rest my chin on the top. “I need to contribute equally, right, or people are gonna think things.”
“People think a lot of fucking things, Jonah. About three percent of it is worth a damn.” He sits up, glaring at the unlit cigarette. “Do you have any gum?”
I dig a pack of mint gum from my pocket and hand it to him. I don’t even like gum, but my dad loves it and when we were hanging out he’d always say “Hey, bud, got some gum?” so that I could take it out and proudly offer him some. Families are weird.
Victor unwraps three sticks and works them to the back of his mouth. “I wasn’t sure,” he says indistinctly, looking me up and down. “But I get it now.” Handing the gum back, he hops up onto the wall and walks away toward Ethan, hands in the pockets of his eye-wateringly bright jacket.
Not sure what else to do, I go back to searching the water.
Something warm slides over my head, covering my eyes. I turn around, tugging the wool beanie up so that I can see again. A smile quirks Gray’s mouth as he tries to tidy his hat hair. “Your ears looked cold.”
“Thanks.” It’s so soft I can’t stop absently petting it.
“Did you find an otter?”
“Only the kind made of driftwood.”
“Can I see?” He has to fold almost double to look through the binoculars. I take the opportunity to examine him in the same hungry way as the women in the parking lot. It feels like a decade ago that I texted Elliot about a man who wasway, way, way out of my league, but it’s still true. He could have anyone he wants. I believe that he wants me, but sometimes I’m not sure he should.
“Jonah, look.” He grabs my wrist and pulls me between him and the binoculars. His arms on either side of me point the viewer in the right direction as I squint through the lenses. It looks like another piece of wood, but then it moves, wiggling around in the water, disappearing and reappearing.
“Oh shit, look at that. I totally missed him.” When the otter disappears for good, I crane my neck back to look up at Gray. “Good job, baby.”
He leans over so we’re staring into each other’s eyes upside down. “I told you, no baby.”
“Is there an actual reason? Your ex or something?”
