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I can’t remember the last time I’ve laughed this loudly, with my whole chest. Victor’s head swivels away from the TV, eyes wide.
I play with Jonah’s ear, his face buried in the crook of my arm. “It’s too bad. If you were scared, I could comfort you.”
“Just don’t trick me again,” he mumbles.
“I’m sorry.”
“No, you’re really not.”
I slide my hand up under his shirt, spread my fingers along his powerful chest, my thumb brushing slowly against his skin. “Why did you pick this movie, then?”
“Victor told me you’d be scared.”
“Well that backfired, didn’t it? He played you.”
“You’re scared of, like, everything.” He nestles tighter against me, tucking his head under my chin. “How was I supposed to know demons were the exception?”
For the rest of the film, every time he jumps I kiss the warm skin on the back of his neck, nudging with my nose at the collar of his t-shirt. And I can feel Victor’s eyes on me again.
By the end of the movie, Jonah’s sound asleep, drooling on my arm, his fingers hooked through mine. I’m probably going to hurt myself, but why the fuck else do I work out if I can’t carry my maybe-boyfriend to bed, so I crouch and gather him up in my arms. He’s so small but so damn heavy, just a bundle of muscle. His soft cheek falls against my chest, mouth open, as I carry him into the bedroom and pull off his sweatpants. He rolls over and shoves his head underneath my pillow before going still again.
Ethan has disappeared downstairs when I come back from tucking Jonah in, but Victor’s standing by the window, studying the view. He jerks his head toward the door. Grabbing a jacket, I follow and we take the elevator down to the nearly deserted street, where he leans against the wall and pulls out a vape pen. He completely lost control of his smoking habit during the lawsuit, but Ethan pushes him to keep trying. Now he blows out the counterfeit smoke sullenly, like he’s not happy about the substitution, and I know it’s a testament to just how much he loves that man. “Well then,” he says, studying me, his pale eyes luminous in the dark.
“Thanks for coming.” Leaning on the wall next to him, I watch vapor trail from his lips.
“You seem better.”
I shrug. “Do I? I don’t know.”
He shakes his head. “You have to fucking let it go. I’ve never blamed you for anything. You didn’t hurt me.”
“Enabling someone to hurt you is basically the same thing.”
He laughs quietly at that, a bitter twist to his mouth. “God you’re dramatic. What do you need from me? Because if you ruin the rest of your life over my shit, that’s what I won’t forgive you for.”
“Victor.” To my shock, my voice breaks, really breaks. Jonah’s getting to me. “I need you to know how sorry I am, because no one else was sorry enough. No one made it right.”
He sighs, vape trailing from his nose. Putting it back in his pocket, he takes my face in his hands, standing on his toes so that our eyes are level. “Trying to be this serious is giving me a headache, so I’m only going to say this once. I forgive you, Gray. I forgive you and I think you’re a good man and a good friend. Do you get it?” Feeling me nod, he lets go and turns away, pulling a face as he starts vaping again.
“Thank you.”
“My old teammate Alek and I are trying to start a swimming center, so if you want to be sorry some more, give us lots of money.”
“That I can do.”
“And worship that boy.” When I blink in confusion, he rolls his eyes. “You heard me. That fucking ex of yours dropped your soul, and it broke, andthat,” he jabs his vape pen toward my bedroom window, “that is the last fucking piece you couldn’t find. The one that slid under the stove and you don’t see it again until you move out and then you’re likeoh, okay, everything’s going to be alright now.”
I wrap my arms around myself, sinking deeper into my jacket. “It’s not that simple, Victor.” Either I have loved and lost or I’ve never loved at all and the saying is wrong, they’re both fucking terrible, neither better than the other. I don’t even know what love means anymore.
“Maybe it fucking should be.” He examines the vape pen, wrinkling his nose in disgust. “Did Ethan stick a sign on my back this weekend that saysAsk this trainwreck for life advice?”
After seeing Victor back to his room, I strip and climb into bed, every inch of my skin hyper-aware of the body resting between my sheets, like a miracle. I wait until the blankets have taken away the cold outdoor bite before I slide across and wrap my arms around Jonah, tangling my legs with his, my forehead against his shoulder.
What is the path that leads to love? What strange nights and wrong turns and what mysteries? What is the moment you open your eyes and find your heart split into two where it was once whole?
Jonah sighs and rolls into me. His fingers find my neck and even though he’s almost completely asleep, he stretches up and kisses me hungrily. “Don’t let the demon eat me,” he mumbles.
“I won’t. I promise.”
Just then, his cheek against mine, his breath along my skin, his life in my arms, he makes every feeling simple enough for me to understand. He makes loving easy enough I almost feel like I could try again.
