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“Yeah, exactly.”
Lynne brought tea and biscuits to the table and went out.
“How’s she going?” Georgie asked after Lynne had closed the screen door carefully behind her.
Leah smiled. “Amazing. She said things are better at home with Dad. She’s a bit more assertive. She said it’s because she knows she can come here if it becomes too much.”
“It’s great that she knows that.”
“Yeah. And she’s loving being a Nana. Between her and Nora, I’m spoiled rotten. I barely have to lift a finger.”
“That’s good. I’m glad.”
“Me too. But anyway, enough about me. How was Queensland? Staying with Ryan’s ex wasn’t too awful?”
“No, it was quite lovely. She’s great.”
“So no jealous feelings for you then?”
“Me? No, of course not. Why would I be jealous?” Georgie looked away as Leah gave her a searching look, squirming uncomfortably.
“I don’t know, just that you two seem pretty hot and heavy these days.”
“Nah,” Georgie waved her hand as if to swat away the suggestion.
“What?” The tone of disbelief in Leah’s voice was palpable.
“What?” Georgie said back, more than a little defensive. She was having a very hard time reconciling the situation with Ryan. She had wanted to rationalize it as something casual, just a fling to help pass the time while he was stuck in Blessed Inlet. She refused to let her mind dwell on the fact that Ryan was no more stuck in Blessed Inlet than he was anywhere else. He had been hanging around for her. All for her. He loved her. He’d said so. Her heart squeezed at the idea. She loved him, too. She remembered that alternate Georgie she liked to think about sometimes. She would have jumped into this relationship with both feet. Would have charged forward, slaying any dragons of fear, declared her love and lived happily ever after. But that Georgie had a hell of a lot more to offer than this Georgie. Because it couldn’t be forgotten, alternate Georgie was whole. She didn’t come with a battered and broken body and ravaged skin. Georgie searched her mind for something to say, while Leah continued to stare at her over the rim of her teacup. She definitely wasn’t prepared to say that she was trying to pretend it was casual because if she allowed it to go very much further than it already had, she’d be walking down a path she wouldn’t be able to retreat from. Because if she didn’t extract herself now, then when the inevitable happened, when Ryan got sick of her and her broken body and called it quits, she’d fall to pieces. She had already come to rely on him too much as it was. “Anyway, Queensland was lovely.” She put a note of finality in her voice, hoping to deter Leah from talking about it any further. To her surprise, it appeared to work.
“Lovely,” was all she said in reply before moving on to discuss how the renovations on her house were progressing. Georgie went along with it gratefully. Once she was sure Leah wasn’t going to bring it up again, she was able to relax and enjoy the visit, staying for over an hour. The babies woke up and needed to be changed and fed. She helped Leah do it, trying not to gag too much at the smell from Harrison’s diaper, ignoring Leah’s knowing giggle.
When both babies were all cleaned up, Georgie took Harrison and curled up on the couch while Leah fed Charlotte. She snuggled him close while she gave him the bottle. She was entranced watching him feed. “This feels weirdly satisfying,” she observed.
“It does, doesn’t it?”
“Why is that, do you think?” She glanced up at Leah, then back to the baby.
“Well,” Leah said thoughtfully, “maybe it’s because you’re saving his life.”
“Bit dramatic.”
Leah chuckled. “Yeah, a bit, but look at him. He can’t do anything for himself because he’s just a blob. He’s totally reliant on you right now and here you are, bringing the goods.”
“Haha, yeah, true.” Georgie went quiet again, gazing down at Harrison. Holding the bottle carefully, she stroked his cheek with the tip of her finger. As she did so, she felt a deep yearning. It felt so intense it brought a lump to her throat. God, she wanted this for herself. So badly. Of course, Ryan jumped into her mind. He wanted children. So much so that he’d ended his marriage for them. And he loved her. He’d said so, twice. So he must have meant it. She was still struggling to accept the fact, she realized. Because why did he love her?Howcould he? She sighed, pushing the thoughts away. It was her only defense.
Georgie left Leah’s all out of sorts, which was nothing new. She’d been out of sorts, up and down and all over the place since she’d realized her feelings for Ryan. To avoid thinking about or dealing with any of that, she spent the next few days hunkered down at home. It didn’t really need it, but she cleaned the place top to bottom. It made it feel more like hers to clean it. To look after it. Mikayla invited herself over for afternoon tea, which of course turned into Juniper and Leah as well. Georgie made cupcakes and they had coffee and cake in the little yard out the back. Leah had brought her some hanging baskets with flowers to hang under the eaves. Juniper had made her a large pot for some herbs and Mikayla gave her a tabletop water feature. She’d protested against it all, since it wasn’t even her birthday yet, but Mikayla would have none of it. They were housewarming presents and she’d cry if Georgie didn’t take them with a smile and a word of thanks. And since Mikayla was huge, having to lower herself carefully into the wicker chair and hold her hand to her stomach, Georgie did as she was told so as not to upset her.
All of this worked as a distraction for a short time, but then Georgie got a text from Ryan to say he was returning to Blessed Inlet the next day. It seemed perfunctory in tone. Different to his usual texts. Georgie felt a shiver of alarm as she typed out a reply. Maybe he was done with her. She threw her phone down on her bed and went to have a shower. Standing under the spray for a long time, she felt her thoughts bashing around against each other in her head.She loved him…he was going to break up with her…she was too broken for him…she loved him…she wanted his babies…he loved her…he was sick of her…she was too needy…he could do better…she wanted, desperately, to feel his arms around her…On and on and on it went. Finally, turning the tap off, she dried off and wrapped herself in a towel. Moving through to her bedroom, she caught sight of herself in the floor length mirror in the corner of her room. The scarring on her legs was starkly white against her honey-colored skin. With her heart thudding painfully, Georgie dropped the towel and surveyed herself, turning this way and that. There was barely any part of her that wasn’t riddled with scarred, puckered or pocked skin. Her hip and ankle were the worst from the front, but the back was pretty horrendous. Fuck. She turned away abruptly, her eyes stinging as she fought the rising sense of revulsion she felt when she looked at herself.
As she got dressed, she thought of Ryan. He’d done a pretty good job of training himself to not notice her ugliness. But how long could that possibly last? He’d surely get sick of it one day. And who could blame him? Plus, he deserved to be with someone better. She loved him enough to let him go, she thought to herself. Yes, this was the right thing to do. She’d talk to him about it as soon as he returned. Or maybe she should phone him? It was a long way to drive just to have her end it. No, he needed to see Brandon and finalize the recruitment of the practice manager for the clinic. And he still had stuff in his cabin. And anyway, it was braver and more honest to do it face to face. She owed him that much. God, she owed him everything. She could never repay him. But she could set him free. So she would.
* * *
After a restless night, Georgie woke up with a splitting headache and a heavy heart. She knew that Ryan wouldn’t arrive until after lunch, so she spent the morning living in a strange, disjointed limbo. The crossover point between her life with Ryan and her life after Ryan. She could exist here forever, she thought. Where she could hold the memories of their time together close, but where those memories weren’t fractured by what was coming. Making herself toast and coffee, she curled up on the sofa, gazing out at the ocean. It was calm and deep blue, sparkling under a clear sky. It was like that old song,The Day You Went Away.It should be storming on a day like today. Roiling clouds and a boiling sea.
With a deep sigh, Georgie pushed her plate of toast away, barely eaten. There was nothing for her to do that would help while away the time, so she sat there staring out the window. For hours. Until finally, she heard the crunch of tires as a car pulled up outside. She jumped to her feet, pressing her hand to her middle as a wave of nausea hit her. She forced her legs to straighten and walked across the lounge room, into the entrance hall. Stopped with her hand on the door handle to drag some air into her lungs. Pulled the door open and walked to the top of the stairs. Feeling a prickly heat all over her at the sight of Ryan getting out of the car, she gripped the brick pillar that edged the veranda.
Ryan started to smile when he looked up and caught sight of her standing on the veranda, but then the smile froze before slowly fading away. He’d understood the look on her face as he walked towards her. He stopped at the bottom step, put one foot up, but didn’t go any further. Just stood there looking at her, waiting for her to speak. She cleared her throat. Went to speak. Stopped. Couldn’t think of the right words. She’d known it was going to be hard, but God, this was agony. Just remember, she told herself, he’s better off. Clearing her throat again, she said, “So, I, ah…” She gripped the pillar even tighter. “I think it’s best if we just…finish up.” Fuck, that sounded so lame.
