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Tears threaten, but I choke them down.“Do you think such a man exists?”
She smiles softly and nods.“He’s out there, waiting for you.And I know you don’t want to get your hopes up about Miles, but I also don’t think you should ignore the chemistry that you two very clearly have based on everything you’ve shared with me.It’s a big deal that you’re responding to him at all.”
“I know.”It’s also freaking terrifying.
“What are you afraid of?”
I huff out a sarcastic laugh.“I think the better question is what am I not afraid of.”
Silence sits heavily between us, my thoughts a jumbled mess while she watches me carefully.
“Are you more afraid that he’ll be able to help, or that he’ll confirm your belief that you’re broken?”
Those tears that threatened before rise up and slide down my cheeks before I even have a chance to blink.
This is how you know you’ve been friends with someone too long—they can read your mind, even the darkest, scariest parts of it.But there’s not judgement in her eyes—there never is—but understanding and care and that only makes me cry harder.
Without another word, she pulls me into a hug and squeezes me tight.She lets me cry, rocking me gently, and it’s a cathartic release to finally break in front of someone else instead of hiding it in the shower or in my pillow on my weakest nights.
After what feels like hours but I know was likely only ten or fifteen minutes, the tears start to subside and my body feels both lighter and heavier from the release.
“Sorry,” I murmur.
“Tam, you know you never have to apologize to me, and you sure as shit should never apologize toanyonefor feeling what you feel.”She grabs my shoulders and holds my body across from her, staring at me intently.“But you also can’t let him win.”
She doesn’t have to say who thehimis that she’s referring to.We both know.
With more determination, she says, “He didn’t break you.You are so incredibly strong.Don’t let him have a power over you he doesn’t deserve.You deserve happiness and to feel confident in your body, but also be patient with yourself.Stop beating yourself up when you freak out.Embrace the feeling and really allow yourself tofeelit instead of instantly shutting down and feeling worthless.You, my beautiful, talented, incredibly smart friend, are anything but worthless.Do you hear me?”
I nod.
“Do you believe me?”she says with an arch to her brow.
I want to.God, do I want to.
Answering honestly I say, “I want to.”
She nods.“I’ll take that.It’s a step in the right direction.”She squints and watches me closely before her eyes light up in the mischievous way that means she has an idea that’s going to get one or both of us in trouble.
“I know that look.”
She smirks.“When’s the next time you see drummer boy?”
“Why?”I ask hesitantly.
“Because I think it’s time you were given a little push outside of your comfort zone.”
