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“I know you’ve told me you guys outgrew each other as if that was the complete story. What really happened?”
I take a long inhale, the question not unexpected. Palmer still lives in Mesa; he still crosses paths with my sister. I need to walk a fine line here. “Palmer loved me more than I would ever love him.” When the words leave my lips, I realize how true they are. “He can be sweet and kind and caring but he kind of lost himself in the process. He slowly built his entire world around me. You know how I’m the only person in the world that doesn’t like pizza?”
A happy smirk fills her face. “You’re such a weirdo.”
“Exactly,” I laugh. “Palmer stopped eating pizza the day he found out. Stopped watching his favorite shows because I didn’t care for them. Gave up football because I once muttered how barbaric it is. I never asked him to do any of those things.”
“Did you ever consider that he was doing it to impress you?” I love my sister’s heart. Always going out of her way to find the goodness in people.
“There’s an easy way to impress a girl. Be a good consistent man with principles. Stand for something and fight for things that matter. Palmer never considered that maybe it was the differences between us that made him attractive to me. No one wants their partner to lose themselves and become something they’re not. To roll over on every issue. To acquiesce to your every demand - that’s a recipe for disaster. No one wants to be with a liar.” The last word stings coming out of my mouth. The hypocrisy burning my throat.
“A liar?” Adrienne whispers, not understanding.
“Every time he changed and got further away from the man I met he was lying. Lying to me but worst of all, lying to himself. That’s why Palmer is still upset. He’s lost himself and needs someone to blame.” I’m like a skier on a steep mountain, picking up speed and unable to stop. On the long flight home, I thought about this. I tried to decipher Palmer’s actions, his rationale. This is the only theory that makes sense to me. “His hate isn’t going to disappear until he looks in the mirror and focuses his attention on finding out who he is and what he really wants in life.” The words ricochet back at me, and I realize I left Mesa to find out what I want in life and have yet to figure it out.
“Wow, that explains so much,” Adrienne says. “Watching someone transform right in front of you. Every action and sacrifice they think they are making for the sake of the relationship having the opposite effect. He wasn’t bringing you guys closer; he was ripping at the foundation of what brought you together. That must’ve been so difficult to live through.” Her brows furrow and she picks at her pinkie nail before asking her next question. “Did he know? Did you tell him what he was doing wasn’t working?”
“So many times,” I respond. I lost track of the number of talks we had on repeat. Me saying the same thing repeatedly and him clearly not hearing or processing what I was saying. “We had quiet talks, we had shouting matches, I even wrote him a letter about it once. Nothing worked. It was like talking to a steel trap, nothing was ever going to penetrate. He saw the world a certain way and no one, least of all me, could tell him differently.”
“Was it hard?” Her fingers flick the ends of a paper bag in front of her, shoulders pinched together. “You know, breaking up with him? You never talk about it and he’s…” She struggles to find the right words.
“Yes, it was hard but not for the reasons you might think.” I slip my hands into my sister’s, needing to touch her, needing for her to understand what I’m about to say. “Palmer and I had history but when I began to look to leave Mesa, the hard part wasn’t leaving Palmer. Like I said, I hadn’t expected us to go the distance. My heart never fluttered like one of those girls in a romance novel.” I blink away my body’s reaction to Hunter’s kiss. The foreign sense of losing control. Not now.
“I enjoyed my time with Palmer, but it had run its course. The hardest part was leaving you and Mom and Dad. I missed so much of your life, first when I went away to college and then when you went away. I knew by leaving the state I would be missing even more. And as much as I love what I’ve built in Indiana I miss you more and more every day.” I feel the water welling up behind my eyes. “And as for Mom and Dad, I don’t know how you’ve done it, but you’ve somehow gotten them to remove the stick they’ve always had up their bums and enjoy life. That’s some next level magic. I’m so proud of you little sis.”
I feel a warm tear drop roll down my cheek and I don’t do anything to stop it. I rise from the chair and Adrienne meets me in a warm embrace. “Now that I have some funds, I’ll make it a point to get to Indiana on a more regular basis.” She squeezes me hard, and it’s the best thing ever. “Maybe I can tag-along with Hunter every now and then.”
I bury my face into the crook of her neck to hide my reaction. I can’t do this any longer. I’ve just called Palmer a liar and yet I continue to hide behind my own. We are breaking down barriers and discussing things Adrienne has always been curious about - my love life, or lack of one. If we’re truly coming clean and sharing, I can’t keep the truth about Hunter and me from her. I place my hands on her shoulders, our foreheads connected. “Yeah. Adrienne, I have to tell you something about me and Hunter…”
My throat tightens and I prepare myself. “Hunter and I are…”
“Did someone say my name?” I don’t need to turn to recognize the voice but we both turn anyway.
His timing as always is impeccable. The man of the hour has arrived.
