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My eyes widened. “I couldn’t, never,” I said, my fists clenched at my side. Leave Gray? Luc? Even at my most furious, my most despondent, I had never considered such a thing.
He shrugged, and I could tell–whatever hurt I had been feeling, he had felt it too, over the past week, when I had slept in the empty nest instead of taking comfort in him, in Luc, in our bond. I should have let them in. I should have told them, when I felt lonely and heartbroken. I trusted them with my life, but I hadn’t trusted them with my heart this week. Gray reached out and took my hand in his, still standing an arm’s length away from me.
“Your place in this pack–in this relationship, in this friendship… Even if Madison decides she does want to be with us… An omega won’t change that. Madison, or any other. You want me to never sleep with Madison again? Fine. I’ll do it. Lucas can fuck her just as well as I can, probably better.”
“He has better genes.” I mumbled. Gray’s hand was warm around mine. Our bond flickered with a spark of unvoiced laughter. We were okay.
“I mean, fuck you, but yeah, he does.”
“And his dick–”
“Okay, okay, I don’t need the complete list of my failings, thanks. My point is–I love you, Rian. I always have. Before Lucas, there was you, and now, with Madison–if she wants to stay–there will still be you, always. I love you. And… I’m sorry that I let you doubt that.”
“I don’t think you know,” I sighed, “how hard it’s been, for me. Just because I’m not an alpha, I don’t have that biology, those pheromones, that doesn’t mean I don’t have… I don’t feel…”
“I’m sorry, Rian,” he said, his voice rough. “We–I–should have told you. And before you ask, I didn’t keep it from you because of your status. It was because of your heart.”
“Not my dick.”
“I’m being serious,” Gray sighed. “But no, not your dick.”
“Sorry. I’m sorry, too.” I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. “I should have been more honest with you both.”
We stayed like that for a long moment, our arms around each other, our noses buried in each other’s necks, until I knew I smelled like coffee and, faintly, vanilla.
By the time Luc returned from his run, Gray and I were twined together on the vast leather couch, my head on his shoulder, our breathing settled, my heartbeat back to normal.
I felt him enter the room, felt his trepidation, and his happiness–at seeing Gray and I together?–over our bond. “I forgive you,” I said, not opening my eyes.
“Oh,” he said. “Good?”
“So,” I continued, opening my eyes at last to see him standing in the doorway. He was wearing a sleeveless shirt and a pair of short running shorts that showed off his thick thighs, and I was glad he was my alpha. Even if he was an idiot sometimes. “What’s the plan?”
“Why does everyone keep asking me that?”
“You’re the leader,” Gray and I said at once.
“Thanks,” he sighed. “Thanks, for choosing to listen to me this one, single, solitary time.”
* * *
We didn’t endup listening to him, after all. In the end, it wasn’t anything that we did, really. No grand plan, no masterwork, no spectacular gesture. We were just in the right place at the right time.
CHAPTERFORTY-FIVE
Madison
I wanted to be–well,if not perfect, then at least… better, for them.
But also for myself.
And the first step was to stop treating myself like someone who didn’t deserve nice things.Comfort, I thought, as I rolled myself out of bed in my apartment, so different than the pack’s elegant home. I was wearing Rian’s sweats, his shirt, and let myself be soothed by their softness and familiar scent, instead of feeling vaguely embarrassed.Love. I skipped over that one, and landed on nice, expensive coffee, instead. Kenyan coffee that tasted the way a certain kind, giving alpha I knew smelled.
I had enough beans for this morning’s cup, but I was determined not to go back to my cheap, store-brand beans that tasted less like Gray’s rich coffee scent and more like sawdust. I threw the remainder ofthatbag in the trash. I savored the hot cup of dark coffee the nicer beans made (despite my plastic coffee machine) as I dressed and pulled up the map to the grocery store near the pack’s house. I had time, and legs that worked, and it was going to be a nice day today. It was far–several miles–but I would walk. I could always take the bus home, if I wanted, or call a rideshare. I slipped on my sneakers and headed out into the morning air, feeling refreshed by my cup of coffee, my night’s sleep, and my newfound positive attitude.
My legs were tired but I was still feeling good when I stepped through the doors of the grocery store a few blocks from the pack’s house. I navigated the small space–their “grocery store” was more afood boutique, really–past the wheels of imported cheese and expensive mineral waters to the coffee section, finding what I was looking for easily. I grabbed the bag, holding it to my nose and inhaling the smell, deeply satisfied with my decision. When was the last time I had let someone–myself included–be nice to me? Be generous?
When Brent and I had first started dating, I realized. That had been years ago, but I remembered it distinctly: he’d invited me over and cooked a meal for me: seared steak, and crispy roasted potatoes, and was it green beans or broccoli? I had just graduated college, and I had been so impressed. I smiled down at the bag of coffee beans: it was my turn to treat my own damn self. The coffee in my hand cost–I checked the shelf–a lot of money, but, I reminded myself, I could afford it. And more importantly, I was worth it. Not because of my status, my designation, but because… because I was me. A person. A human, with wants and needs and a body and a soul and a brain.
