AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I stare at my phone screen for the hundredth time today. I’ve called Lucas exactly twenty-four times in the past two weeks and haven’t heard anything back. I didn’t think the things I said were so bad it would make him want to leave. I only spoke the truth.
I hit Dial again and bring the phone to my ear. When it rolls to his voicemail, I let out a deep breath and leave yet another message. “Lucas, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I need your help. In a few days I’m going to follow through with Teddy’s plan. We finally know who left the note, and I’m positive I know what happened to my dad. I don’t want to say too much here, so please just come home.”
I end the call and sink back into my corner with my pillow and blanket. I’ve done such a good job of keeping my façade in place, but I’m tired. So fucking tired. I want to be able to let everything out and be told it’ll be okay. I force my thoughts away and stand. I know I shouldn’t want to, but I’ve had the burning urge to talk to Teddy. To feel his touch.
I throw my phone in my bag and look around the room. It just doesn’t have the same feel since Teddy made the move to his room a few days ago. It is nothing more than four walls. Walls that thankfully cannot talk.
Without any more thought, I usher out of my door into the all-too-familiar hallway. It’s almost as if my body is on autopilot, driven by what’s left of my heart, as my feet lead me directly to his door. As I stand there, staring at the threshold, my brain applies the brakes and all of a sudden, I am frozen. My hand won’t reach out to knock no matter how much I tell it to.
“You okay, kid?” The sound breaks the silence and startles me.
I glance behind me and see Carl standing in the doorway of the kitchen. His hair is tousled, and in his hand is a mug that reads DRINK SOME COFFEE PUT ON SOME GANGSTER RAP AND HANDLE IT. The cliché almost brings a smile to my face.
“I just…” I don’t even know how to answer his question. I would like to think I’m okay even though I know I’m not. But there is just so much more to it. I abandon whatever statement I was going to say and start with a question. “Is it bad that I want to talk to him?”
He leans against the doorjamb and crosses his legs. “No. You just have to remind yourself not to let him push you around. You’re a strong woman. Remember that.”
“What if I’m not as strong as you think?”
He tips his head and sips his drink. “What do you mean?”
I contemplate my answer and decide to just be honest. “I love him, Carl. I know what he did was wrong, trust me, I know. But almost every second I’m not with him, he’s all I can think about. I don’t know how I can continue to seek feelings from someone who has inflicted so much pain on me. I know I shouldn’t, that I should hate him, but I just can’t. I feel what’s in my heart and what’s in my mind is like being stuck between a rock and hard place. A rock covered in acid and a hard place protruding with nails. I don’t know what to do.”
“You do what feels best for you, Charlotte.”
“What if I don’t even know what feels best?” My voice is meek.
“That’s a battle of your own. Unfortunately, I can’t help you with that, but I’ll be here when you do make your decision.” He winks, sips the last of his coffee, then disappears back into the kitchen.
Carl’s words fuel me in a way. I raise my hand and knock one solid time, but when the door opens, all of my bravado disappears. Seeing Teddy standing in front of me shirtless, covered in healing bruises and cuts, does nothing but make me want to hold him. To tell him everything will be okay. But he doesn’t deserve that from me, does he?
His eyes search my face for a moment. “Charlie?”
Hearing the concern in his voice breaks the dam inside me that’s been holding all of my emotions back. I push him inside his room and slam the door as the tears start to fall to my cheeks. “Why, Teddy?”
“I didn’t want to hurt you,” he whispers.
I shake my head vigorously. “But you did. You hurt me so fucking bad. Why?” I yell.
The words lash from within my quivering lips and tear-streaked cheekbones. I thought I had prepared myself better. I was certain I had my feelings under control. I had worked hard on a mask that portrayed confidence and strength. I was sure it would stay in place, but as soon as that door opened, it slipped, exposing the truth in my face. I was angry again. Angry. Sad. Betrayed.
“I was preparing you, Charlie. I guess you could say, even in my darkest moment, I was still protecting you. Looking forward, if something happens to me, I thought it would be easier on you if you hated me. I wanted you to hate me.”
I need you to hate me…
His words from that night echo in my mind.
“No. No!” My voice hardens. “You don’t get to do that, Teddy. You don’t get to act like the reason you broke me was for my own good. That you did the horrible things you did, because you actually do care. You don’t get to make me feel things. Not anymore.”
“I do care, Charlotte.” His voice is lower than mine—sincere—and it sends a spark to my chest, daring to explode and take all of what is left of my rationality with it, sending me directly into his arms. But how am I supposed to forgive him? Or even worse, what if I’ve already forgiven him and I just can’t admit it?
Loving Teddy has been nothing less than an insane, thrill-seeking, roller-coaster ride. It’s been fast and sloppy. Dangerous and addicting. So fucking bittersweet, and so fucking heartbreaking all at once. But there is no denying he is like a drug. When he’s not around, he’s all I want. But when he’s around, I beg to be anywhere but with him. How can something be such a double-edged sword?
When he takes a step toward me, the little bit of strength I have left wavers. “Please don’t,” I beg.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t make me fall in love with you again. It hurts right now, but I know the best thing to happen to me was losing you. We don’t belong together, Teddy.”
