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“Mine.”
I look over my shoulder and see Lucas standing in the doorway. “I thought you weren’t staying here.”
“I’m not. I only come check on things every now and then.”
I nod, then set the knuckles down and walk past him. Entering the hallway, I turn left and go straight to Teddy’s door. The last words I screamed at him in that room still vibrate through the walls.
“Don’t make me fall in love with you again…”
My breath comes out in quivering puffs as I turn the knob. He never had to make me fall for him again because I never stopped loving him. Even now, I can’t seem to make myself forget him no matter how badly I want to.
When I push open the door, it takes everything in me not to fall to my knees. The smell of his cologne hits me, and everything comes back. Every last memory.
“I’ve wanted you to be mine for a long time now, Monkshood.”
“Because I love you, I will kill for you.”
“Queens never let their head fall…”
I grip my chest as it pangs. “Fuck, Teddy,” I whisper, doing my best not to cry.
I walk to his closet and open the door. The light comes on automatically, lighting up all of his clothes. I brush my hand along his line of suits, letting myself really feel for the first time in a while. I’ve been so focused on all of the bad that I forgot the good. I forgot why I ever loved him. I’ve been telling myself to hate him and completely forgot to love him. Really love him.
I pull one of his plain white shirts of a hanger and ball it up, then bring it to my nose. His room had the scent of his cologne, but this… this has the scent of his skin. I drop to my knees and start pulling everything I can reach from the hangers.
At first, it’s an effort to get close to him, to feel him again, but then it turns into anger. Anger because he left me. He knew what would happen, and he tried to make me hate him before he left. And honestly, that just makes everything so much more painful. Knowing he only did what he did as a way to look out for me. He wanted me to be okay, but he should have known no matter what I would have hurt.
“He should have known,” I sob, curling my body into his pile of clothes.
“Hey.” I can hear Lucas before I see him. He squats to his knees beside me and tries to comfort me by rubbing my arm. “I’m right here. It’s okay.”
“It isn’t okay. He should have known,” I choke out.
“Should have known what?” he asks, changing positions to cross his legs.
“That it would still hurt. That no matter what it would hurt.”
Lucas’s eyes turn pained. “I know. He hurt us all, Charlie.”
“He left me. He left me with a baby. He wanted me to hate him, and I don’t. I can’t. And I hate that I can’t because maybe it would be easier, but this isn’t easy. I can’t do this, Lucas.”
“Yes you can.” He swipes the tears from my cheeks with his thumb. “Remember, you let it out in here. Scream, cry, do whatever you have to. But when you step out those doors, you’ll be composed. You’re not weak, Charlie.”
“I’m tired of being strong.” My lip quivers as another wave of sobs come.
“We all are. It’s okay.” He pulls me into his lap and holds me.
I almost laugh at the fucking irony. I was so mad at Lucas, I even hit him, but here he is, comforting me—telling me everything will be okay. He and I are just an infinity symbol looping round and around with all of the same shit.
Hate, sex, comfort.
And maybe that’s why I love him. Because even in this exact moment as I’m mourning Teddy and feeling all of the shit I haven’t allowed myself to feel, he’s still right here, helping me get through it.
“I don’t know why we do this to ourselves,” I sniff.
“Do what?” he asks, pulling his head back to look at me.
“We fight, we fuck, and we fall,” I admit.
