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“That’snotwhat I meant,” he says.
“Get out!” I swipe at my eyes, forcing the familiar feeling of unworthiness away. One minute he’s professing his love, the next he’s saying that dancing with me was a mistake. I don’t know what to believe. My head is fucking spinning and my heart, I’m not sure it even knows how to beat anymore.
Xeno shuts the door behind him, locking it. On the other side, Grim slams her fist against the wood. “Pen, give us the word, and we’ll break this door down.”
“Fuck off, Grim!” Xeno shouts over his shoulder. “Just give us some privacy. If we’re not back in a couple of minutes, you’re welcome to break the fucking door down.”
“You scream if you need us, Pen,” Grim says, and I can hear her footsteps as she walks away. The fact that she concedes to Xeno’s request is telling. What’s going on?
Xeno presses his back against the door, leaning his head against the wood as he studies me from beneath hooded eyes, as though looking at me is difficult. I raise my chin, drawing strength from deep inside. If I can go through what I have, then I sure as fuck can look him in the eyes when he breaks my heart again.
“I wasn’t lying when I said it was an error in judgement dancing with you last night, because it was. Dancing with you last nightwasa mistake. I shouldn’t have done it.”
“Well, that makes me feel a whole lot better. Thanks for that…” A huge part of me wants to look away, but even though tears pool in my eyes and I hate the weakness I’m showing him, I don’t. For a while we stand in silence, facing off against each other. His gaze feels like a too hot sun on a midsummer’s day. It burns my skin as he drinks me in, as he quenches his thirst.
“That doesn’t mean that I didn’t want to,” he says eventually, heaving out a sigh. “In that moment I didn’t think past my own needs and desires. I didn’t think beyond my need to finally fucking dance with you. Just you and me. Just us. Like I’vealwayswanted. For once, I was selfish.”
I meet his gaze and see the honesty in them. He means every word he just said, and it stings, because in denying himself he’s caused so much unnecessary hurt. “Then why have you always held back? Why keep away all this time? You claim you love me—”
“I don’t claim. Ido. So fucking much—”
“And yet it's as though that love is a curse. I don’t understand you, Xeno.” The truth is, I’m not sure I ever have. He’s always been an enigma, a mystery. There’s something fundamentally different about him, something that I’ve never been able to put my finger on. Only letting me in so far. Keeping me at arm’s length. Denying what he wants, what I want, what weallwanted and for what?
He barks out a laugh at that. “Try living in my shoes. It ain’t easy beingthatman.”
“What man?”
“The man who has to make all the hard decisions. Ican’tafford to make a mistake. I can’t afford to indulge myself like the others do. They can, and have, made mistakes because there is always someone else who can clean up after them.Me.” He pushes off the door, unlocking it. “You gave me your truth, Pen, now it’s time you finally hear mine,ours. Will you hear me out?” Pulling open the door, he waits.
And honestly, what choice do I have?
