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“I’m not used to this,” she says, looking down at her plate.
“To what?” I’m a bit befuddled by her response.
“Someone taking care of me like this. I’m used to depending on my own.”
“What about your grandparents?”
“They tried their best, but it’s been hard on them… I’ve been hard on them. Every time they do take care of me, it comes with a good amount of guilt, so I’d much rather take care of myself. At least then I don’t have anyone saying if it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have that.”
“I’m sure they would get where you’re coming from if you came to them about this, about anything that you’re feeling right now.”
She turns to me, her eyes are red, and tears stain her cheeks. She looks like a broken angel, cracked straight down the middle.
“All I am to them is a reminder of the daughter and granddaughter they lost. When they look at me, they don’t see me. They see Amy, my mother, my father. They see an ungrateful brat that lived. My sister always was there favorite… now they’re just left with second best.”
“Stop it!” I snap, moving closer, because hearing her talk like that about herself, it tears me up inside. My heart aches for her. I can’t let Lily go down this path of self-destruction. I won’t.
“Why? You can’t tell me that when you look at me, you don’t see her too. That you don’t wish it was me that died that night, instead of her.”
Staring at her, I know I can’t lie. When I look at her, I do see her sister, but not because I see her as Amy, simply because she’s just as beautiful as her sister was.
Cupping her by the cheeks, I don’t think about what I’m doing, I simply act. Leaning in, I breathe her in, letting her fruity scent fill my lungs.
“When I look at you, I see Lily. Lily is alive. Amy is dead. Yes, you look like your sister, but you’re not her. You’re you, and I’ve come to realize that.”
She sucks her bottom lip into her mouth, and it looks like she’s fighting off tears. I don’t want her to swallow the pain down. I don’t want her to have to bury it underneath a mask of anger and resentment. I want it, every burning ounce of it.
“Let it out, Lily. Show me all your broken, ugly pieces, and I’ll help you put yourself back together. I’m not afraid. I’ve fought my own demons, and I’ll help you fight yours.”
At my words, she crumbles. All her perfectly built walls start to fall. Tears slip from her eyes and trail down her cheeks. Emotions she’s probably held in for a long time, pour right out of her like an overflowing sink of water. Moving a hand to the back of her head, I bring her to my chest and let her bury her face there. Sob after sob punches the air, all pieces of me being rattled with the sound.
She cries for a long time, and I let her. Satisfied in holding her, I rub her back until the sobs become fewer and her whimpers quiet down. I keep holding her until the crying stops altogether, and her breathing evens out.
When I’m sure she is completely out, I shift her in my hold. Sliding one arm underneath her legs, I keep the other wrapped around her back. Picking her up, I carry her into the bedroom.
Careful not to wake her, I gently place her on top of the mattress before taking her shoes off slowly. Grabbing the corner of the blanket, I pull it up and over her, stopping only when I reach her shoulders. That’s when she opens her still swollen eyes.
“Will you hold me for a little while longer?” Her voice is small and fragile sounding, and even though my head tells me to say no, the rest of me is saying yes. I slip out of my own shoes and slide into the bed next to her. She scoots over a little bit, but not enough to leave any space between us. I wrap my arms around her, and she cuddles further into my side.
“Thank you… for everything. For being there for me, for helping me, and for saying all the things you said earlier. It really means a lot to me to have you…” She suddenly stops herself as if she is regretting the last part.
“You do have me, Lily. Maybe not in a way we both want, but you do have me. You don’t have to be alone anymore.” She cuddles into me even more, nestling deep into my body, and I welcome it. I’m greedy with need for her, for her soft body to be pressed up against mine, for her warmth, her intoxicating scent. I want it all. Before I know it, her breathing evens out, and I find myself drifting off to sleep as well. A smile tugs at my lips, and I realize that this is the first time I’ve smiled, actually smiled, in a long time. That for the first time, I’m not going to bed feeling completely alone.
