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“Did you hear the rumor about the new dean?” Ana whispers to her friend, but she might as well be yelling it with how close they’re sitting to us. My ears perk up at the mention of Sebastian. I know it’s rude to eavesdrop, but I can’t help it. Del’s eyes snap up, and she gives me a knowing look, before directing her gaze back down to her books.
“The one where everyone keeps saying he is super hot?” The other girl giggles, and suddenly, I have the urge to accidentally drop my book on her face. Wonder if she would think he was still hot then?
“Well, that is no rumor, have you seen the man’s abs?” Ana retorts. “I’m talking about him banging a student.”
“No way!” The other girl practically shouts, and Ana reaches out, covering her mouth with her hand.
“Shut up. You’re going to get us kicked out.” Ana pulls her hand away, and the girl frowns. Ignoring her friend, she continues, “I heard someone saw him with a student. Like them getting into his car and him taking her to his house.”
My throat tightens, and my heart beats so fast, I think I’m on the verge of a heart attack. This can’t be happening. This is my worst nightmare brought to life.
“Who is the girl?”
I wait with bated-breath for Ana to say my name but a second ticks by and then another before I see her shrug her shoulders.
“No clue. Whoever saw them was too far away to make out who the girl was.”
“Boo! That’s too bad.”
“I know, I would love to know who she is, so I can ask her how she got him and if she is willing to share…” Ana winks at her friend, and I can feel the bile climbing up my throat. I’m going to vomit all over the place if I don’t get out of here. I can’t listen to any more of this.
“Ready to go, Del?” I ask, already gathering up my books and notes, while stuffing the papers in between the pages. I can’t do this. I can’t.
“Yes,” Del says a little louder than necessary and the girls beside us look at us like we’ve grown a second head. Shoving my shit into my backpack, I wait as long as I can for Del who is slower than the ice age, might I add, before I start walking away. I’ll just wait by the circulation desk for her.
As I walk, my heart sinks lower and lower into my belly. Tears prick at my eyes, and I blink them away. I cannot. I will not have a mental breakdown in the university library over this.
“Hey! Wait up,” Del calls from somewhere behind me, and I stop, my shoes squeaking against the linoleum. My chest rises and falls, but it doesn’t feel like I’m getting any air into my lungs. Del comes to stand in front of me. Her face is a blur, tears fill my vision, but I can still make out the mixture of fear and sadness reflecting back at me.
“It’s just a rumor, Lily. No one knows that it’s you.” She whispers, her voice soft.
“I… I know…it is.” All I can focus on is getting away from everyone. Everything. I can’t handle this right now. “I… I have to go. I’m sorry.”
“Lily, wait…” Delilah calls, but I’m too fast. Wiping at my tear-stained cheeks, I rush out of the library. I have no idea where I’m going to go. Pulling out my phone, I dial the first number I can think of.
“Lily. Hey, what’s up?” Jules’ sing-song voice fills my ears melting away a thin layer of my anxiety.
“Can you… I don’t mean to inconvenience you or anything, but I need a ride back to Sebastian’s place.”
“Oh, my god, stop it, Lily. You’re not an inconvenience. You’re basically family. More like a sister than a friend.”
“That means a lot to me. I’m just feeling crappy today, and I want to go back to the house and sleep for a while.” Forever.
“Yeah, sure, where are you at?”
“Umm, I’m near the library. I’ll wait for you out front.”
“Okay, see you soon.” We both hang up at the same time.
Heading back toward the library, I find one of the benches out front and sit down. My head falls into my hands, and I suck oxygen in through my nose to ease the ache that’s forming in my chest. I thought the anxiety attacks were gone. It’s been so long since I had one.
As I sit, waiting, trying to calm myself, my thoughts run rampant. This was a mistake. If anyone finds out that it was me… my stomach twists, and twists and all the anxious anxiety I’ve been feeling ripples through me.
I love Sebastian, truly I do, but we can’t keep hiding this. We can’t keep pretending like what we’re doing is okay, when it isn’t. Love is a risk I’m willing to take, but to stay with him, one of us will have to make a sacrifice.
