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I try and smile, but my lips don’t move. Rem doesn’t wait for me to say anything and instead starts for the door. Sebastian remains standing there like a statue with his feet sinking into the concrete. One look at his face and I see the anguish flickering in his eyes, and even though I didn’t ask the question out loud, I know what the answer is.
Yes, he sees Amy when he looks at me.
The day of the shindig arrives, and I get up, straighten my hair, and search through my closet for something to wear. Delilah crawls out of her bed after I’ve tossed the third pair of shoes from our shared closet toward her. Each pair landing harder than the next.
“Okay, okay, I’m up. Quit throwing things at me!”
“I don’t know what to wear,” I huff, blowing a piece of hair from my face. “I need your help picking something out.”
“It’s just a birthday party with old friends. Who are you trying to impress?” Delilah questions with one eye open and the other half-closed.
“No one,” I say defensively. “I just want to look nice, that’s all.”
“Nice for whom? Mr. Miller?” By now she’s fully awake, her eyes twinkling with amusement.
“Don’t be ridiculous. I told you how I know him. He dated my sister. Not to mention that he is ten years older than me, and the Dean of the university that I’m attending as a student.”
“First of all, that was a long time ago, Lily. You are not a child anymore, and even though you might be a student here, you are still an adult. If you’re willing and he is willing…”
I can’t with her. I literally can’t.
“It doesn’t matter how long ago it was. They would still be together now if… if she was still alive.” I look down at my hands. “I saw it in his eyes the other day at the coffee shop. I’m just a reminder to him, a reminder of my sister, of what could have been. He’ll never see me as anything else, and I’m not sure if I want him to anyway. Every time I look at him, it feels like I’m betraying her.
Delilah rolls her eyes at me. “You don’t know that. You’ve only seen him twice, and both of those times were brief. It’s obvious there’s chemistry there. Anyone with a pair of eyeballs can see that. I didn’t know your sister, and I don’t know you all that well yet, but I’m sure your sister would’ve wanted you to be happy.”
She is wrong. I just know. He doesn’t want me.
“It’s just a dinner party with old friends. Nothing more, nothing less.”
Delilah doesn’t look like she believes me, but she doesn’t say anything. An hour later, I end up picking some leggings and pairing them with boots, and an oversized sweater that falls off one of my shoulders. It’s not overly sexy, but it’s cute.
“I’d bang you.” Delilah giggles as she shoves a spoon full of cereal into her mouth.
“Does that mean I’m decent enough to be seen in public with you?”
“It means,” crunch, she pauses as she shoves another bite into her mouth, “that you’re gorgeous, and that if I were Mr. Miller, I would snatch you right up, and make you mine.”
“Stop calling him Mr. Miller and stop talking with your mouth full of food.”
“Okay, Mom.” Del taunts, and I twist around, pinning her with a grin, that she returns.
Five minutes later, I’m standing outside, waiting for Sebastian to pull up. Rem and Jules were originally going to pick me up, but Rem messaged me last minute asking if his brother could instead. Everything inside me screamed no, but my fingers typed the word yes instead, and I hit the send key before I could think any longer on it. Fiddling with my phone, I try and do something with my hands to curb the anxiety I’m feeling. It’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. It’s just dinner with his family. It’s not a funeral, not a date. Just dinner.
Tires crunch against the road and I look up from my hands, my gaze colliding with his through the window of his blacked-out jeep. I don’t know why, but every time I’m in his presence, I’m pulled toward him. Even through the window, I have that weird feeling, like he’s a black hole and I’m the galaxy just waiting to be sucked into his darkness.
God, please don’t let me screw this up.
3
Sebastian
Time. It’s supposed to heal you, make things easier, but I think that’s a lie. Time doesn’t heal shit. It isn’t time that makes things easier. It’s you. You either learn to cope with it, or you let whatever’s eating you fester. I thought I was coping well, but the moment Lily walked into my office, I knew that was a heaping pile of shit.
