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I hope not. I hope she lives. I doubt she will.
My heart squeezes, jackhammering in my chest.
“That’s impossible,” she replies, blinking up at me as I pull back. “How can I forget the boy who has eyes so green they’re like the fields of Heaven themselves? You’re beautiful.”
Her words both sting and soothe. I’ve never considered myself beautiful. Worthless. Ugly. A burden. A disappointment. But never beautiful. Never that.
“I’m not beautiful. I’m far from beautiful. Inside I’m rotten to the core.”
“Are you wearing a mask then?” she blurts out.
“Perhaps I should…” I respond solemnly.
“No, you’re an angel,” she murmurs, her voice weaker now.
I shake my head, sadness overwhelming me as a hot tear slides down my cheek. “No, I’m not an angel.”
“You’rethe angel—” Inside my chest, my black heart stutters to life. I release the pressure. “I won’t do it,” I murmur, blinking back the memory. “I won’t kill her.”
“STOP!” An unfamiliar, raspy voice screams, breaking me from the trance I’m under and forcing me back into the present, back into my body.
I let Nought go, my palms and fingers prickling as though burnt.
Bruises bloom like chains around Nought’s throat and I’m struck dumb by the dark blue of her lips, the lifelessness of her eyes.
“No! NO!” I stumble backwards, my legs unsteady. Bile burns my throat as realisation dawns. I double over, throwing up.
“What have you done?! My God, what have you done?!”
It takes me long moments to realise that it’s Thirteen who’s talking. Thirteen who hasn’t spoken a single word since she was a child. Thirteen, who is frantically unlocking the manacles around Nought’s wrists and ankles. Five is with her, helping her to lay Nought on the floor whilst I stare at her lifeless body. I stumble towards her as feelings bombard me. Feelings that I’ve shoved so deep I’d forgotten how much they hurt.
Remorse, guilt, longing, regret. Fuckingdespair.
And it hurts like nothing ever has before.
I’d take a thousand lashes, a hundred cuts, dozens and dozens of cigarette burns, whippings and degradation. I’d take all the punches, kicks, and slaps my father has ever inflicted. I’d even take the handle of a knife repeatedly shoved up my arse over this kind of pain.
Nothing hurts like this.Nothing.
A roar rips out of my throat, it tears me open, splitting me down my middle from chin to groin. The pain of it feels like a hatchet has hacked open my chest and all my innards are pooling out of me. I feel as though I’m dying.
Iwantto die.
I killed her.
I killed Nought.
No, I killedChristy.
“No! No! NO!” I shout, falling to my knees as I crawl towards her. My hands move over her body frantically. Reaching for her face, I cup it gently. “Come back to me. Come back to us, Christy! Fuck! Christy, come back to me!”
“Leon!” Jakub shouts, gripping my shoulders, dragging me away from her.
He’s in shock. He’s confused by my reaction. I can hear it in his voice. Fuck him. FUCK HIM! I climb to my feet, rounding on him.
“Get the fuck away from me! This is you! This isyourfault!” I roar, shoving him off me. Foolishly, he takes a step towards me. “Leon—”
“Don’t fucking come near me!” I spit, grasping his shirt in my fist and lifting him up off the floor. His hands wrap around my wrists, his fingers digging into my skin. We lock eyes and for just a moment I see the same pain reflected back. We’rebrothers. But I will kill him if I have to.
