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Lucas
The further I went, the more she wanted. I have never seen that before. She never wavered. She took everything and wanted more, and I only stopped because she was incapable of telling me to. It concerned me because this only works when both people involved know their boundaries and I’m not sure Ella has any. I could have flogged her to death and she would thank me for it, but that’s not right. Something is very wrong with Ella Quinn, and she needs me to help her deal with that.
Hell, I have the same issues myself and I suppose I have used sex as an escape from them for many years now. Bringing her here has revealed her dark side, and yet she needs to understand how to control it. She must be in pain, but you would never know it. I had to stop for her own safety because the code word was never going to fall from her lips and there’s something concerning about that. So, if I can do anything for Ella, it’s teaching her how to control it. To wrap up her pain in small packages to be opened with care. I know a lot about that, and I surprised myself when I offered to reveal the reason why this room is so important to me.
I’m not sure I can form the words, but now is a good time to try. So, as I hold the soft creature that is becoming the most important part of me in my arms, I revisit a memory that could destroy me in seconds.
“I told you I was adopted.”
She says nothing and just strokes my chest lightly, snuggling into my arms with her head against my heart. I can’t see her face, which is probably why I continue. It’s as if I’m alone in the room with an angel to hear me purge my soul, and I remember back to a time where everything was good with my life.
“I had a sister; Delilah was her name. Mom and dad were so happy to have the perfect family. One boy and one girl and they we were devoted to one another. Delilah was three, and I was five. I loved my sister, though. So beautiful, like a little angel with blonde hair and blue eyes, the complete opposite of my dark hair and brown eyes. I thought she was an angel because she was so beautiful, like a little doll and I was mesmerized by her. She took after mom and dad was besotted with her.”
I find myself smiling as I let the memory of them in. It’s as if they are sitting here in the room with me, bringing the sunshine in, and it feels good, warm even, when usually my days are cold because they have gone.
“I never learned what my father did for work but we had money, enough to get by. Mom cared for us and we lived in a nice house in a pleasant neighborhood. There were grandparents, aunts, cousins and everything a child needs for a happy life.”
It’s been a while since I’ve thought of my extended family and feel bad about that. I think some of them are dead now, my grandparents certainly, but I’m guessing my cousins are rattling around somewhere, I’ve just never bothered to look for them.
Taking a deep breath, I prepare to purge the memories and my voice breaks a little as I remember that day.
“It was Delilah’s birthday. She was turning four and our parents had decided we were old enough to be trusted in a restaurant. We were so excited because it was an unusual thing to do. We all got dressed up and mom and Delilah wore matching blue dresses. They looked so beautiful I felt incredibly proud to walk in there with them. Dad and me wore smart suits, and I felt so grown up.”
Ella laughs softly and squeezes me tightly, and I drop a light kiss on the top of her head. I love having her in my arms. It feels right somehow, and I don’t think I’ve ever allowed anyone so close in my life. I knew she was special; I just didn’t realize how much and it feels good having someone to talk to at last who won’t judge me and expect more than I can offer.
“The restaurant was busy; it was spring break and there were many people in town. I loved it, though. The hustle and bustle of a busy place when most of the time we lived in peace in the suburbs. I loved the crowds, the voices, the music and the excited conversation. I was loving every second of it.”
Ella kisses my chest and I stroke her hair as if petting a cat and I love the intimacy of this moment. It must hurt to sit but she doesn’t say a word and as the memory returns, I stiffen a little and she whispers, “It’s ok, Lucas, take your time.”
Pulling back the dark curtain that hides my heart, I let the memory step out into the light and say dully, “Then it all changed. Suddenly, the noise changed from excitement to fear. I wasn’t sure what was happening, but I heard gunfire like in the movies. Screaming replaced laughter and it all happened so fast I never got a chance to process what was happening. I remember Delilah’s face as plain today as back then because hers was the last one I saw.”
I can’t face it, it’s too painful and I start to shake. I can’t do this.
Then a soft voice rings out, “Breathe, Lucas, take your time.”
Ella grips me tightly and somehow, having her in my arms, safe in the private room with no sounds, no, chance of being interrupted, calms my soul a little and I whisper, “One minute my little sister was staring at me with horror and then she was gone. Her once perfect face was destroyed in seconds as a bullet ripped through her skull followed by several more. It was like a scene from the most violent movie and I registered nothing but the sight of my sister lying face down with a huge hole where her skull used to be. I vaguely registered being pushed down to the ground, under the table with a larger body covering me. I didn’t understand who it was, or what was happening because all I could see was my sister, taken from me by the devil in front of my disbelieving eyes.”
I squeeze Ella so tight it must hurt, but she says nothing as I say roughly, “By the time the gunfire ceased, I was in shock. I never remembered leaving the restaurant, what happened next and what happened to everyone around me. It’s only when I woke up in the hospital with a strange woman beside me that I realized I was in Hell.”
I can tell Ella is crying, the moisture on my chest tells me that but you wouldn’t know because there is silence in the room with only the steady beat of our hearts reminding me we’re still living.
“Turns out both my parents died with Delilah that day. It always gave me comfort knowing they were together in death at least. The body that covered me was the man who since adopted me. The Casino King who was the target that day. A violent introduction to a life that has always been the same. The woman beside my bed was my new mom. A woman I loved so hard it hurt because she saved me. She loved me as if I was her flesh and blood and I owe them everything. That day fifty people lost their lives because of a business deal. A license that was refused and a deep grudge left in its place. My new parent’s guards gave back as good as they got and after the gunfight, when the dust settled, it was apparent the killers were dead along with dozens of innocent people caught in the crossfire. Luckily for me, I survived, but only because my father protected me. They were at the next table and he always said it was a gut reaction to protect the innocent. Mom was being shielded by her own close protection and yet he did what was natural at the time and I will always be grateful to him for that. Because we were sitting so close to him, we never stood a chance. I was given a second one, and they took me in and raised me as theirs. They helped me through, got me professional help, and I made a life for myself from the ashes of a broken one. But as much as I loved them, I never forgot my own flesh and blood and the family I was so proud to call my own.”
I shift and turn Ella’s face to mine and impulsively kiss her lips softly. Maybe I need the physical contact, the reassurance she is still here, but it’s suddenly important to connect with her. Her arms wrap around me and she kisses me back fiercely and yet this is not sexual. It’s a loving gesture that settles my heart, showing me I’m not alone right now. She understands and is with me on this purging journey.
After a while, I pull back and bury my face in her hair and as the tears fall into it, I feel a freedom I can’t explain. I voiced my darkest thoughts and now they’re out in the open it’s not so bad. I haven’t died, I’m still here, but it changes nothing except making me feel cleansed somehow.
Then I sigh and say roughly, “So, you see, Ella, how can I bring someone close—ever? The target may have changed, but I will always be one. It’s the nature of the job I do and yes, I surround myself with protection, but so did my family. Having lost every important person in my life, how can I offer up another only to be taken from me? I can’t do it, so I surround myself with people who don’t matter to me. I don’t let anyone in and I don’t give anything back but material things. No attachment, no pain. It has to be this way, which is why I am offering you a different kind of relationship. I get to keep you, but I don’t love you. Nobody will know how much you mean to me, and I will show you how I feel in a depraved way. That is why I brought you here, that is why I want you to understand why I can never love you, marry you, make a life with you because if anything ever happened to you, I wouldn’t survive.”
For a moment we sit in silence as I lay my heart on the line. She has to understand in order for her to accept me for who I am. I know we are the same, we love too much. Her love for her family is slowly destroying her, she has taken on the burden of responsibility and is afraid of losing them, of being alone. I can help her with that, but not at the cost of my own heart. I love her, I know I do, but I won’t ever tell her that.
She needs freedom, she told me, and yet my love is a prison. A gilded prison that stifles, suffocates and will end in heartache. Ella is a wild flower that needs the sunlight to thrive. I can only offer her darkness, which is why it needs to be this way, or not at all.
