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Dexter
Ineed air and fast.
I’m not sure what happened back there, but when she said she wanted to carry on with her dream—before this—before me, it made me feel. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to form attachments and if she decides to go, where will that leave me?
I know I’m a selfish bastard; I want it all and on my terms only. It’s ridiculous to expect her to give up her dreams—her future to become my fuck toy, and I know I’m being unreasonable. But emotion hit me and I didn’t like it.
I need to reassess this whole situation before it destroys me and so I head outside in search of Jason.
I find him at the stables and as I see him saddling up his horse, I say evenly, “Hey, do you fancy some company?”
“Sure, it’s been a long time, I’ll get your horse.”
He hands the reins to me of Midnight, his own stallion and while I wait, I stroke the mane of the impressive horse who responds favorably to my touch. He nuzzles my hand and I wish I had something to give him, cursing myself for not bringing the usual mints he loves.
Jason doesn’t take long and leads out my own stallion, Saracen, who seems pleased to see me even though it’s been a few months since my last visit.
“Horses are loyal, they never forget.” He chucks me a cowboy hat and I smile my thanks.
Jason looks at me with a considered expression “How are things?”
We haul ourselves into the saddle and Jason leads off at a slow walk, giving us time to catch up.
“Could be better.”
“Do you wanna talk about it?”
“Probably best not to.”
He nods and points to the horizon.
“Rains heading our way and not before time. The grass is fading and the herd hungry.”
Thinking of the hot summer we’ve had so far, I share his concern. Although we have enough food for the animals, it’s not the same as letting them graze freely.
I’m surprised when he says in his lazy drawl, “You know, animals are a lot like our women.”
“This I’ve got to hear.”
I roll my eyes as he chuckles. “Tend them well, keep them happy and they reward you with loyalty.”
“So, you treat Maisy like Midnight, I’m sure she’s super happy about that.”
Jason laughs, his deep, lazy laugh that always relaxes me.
“Maisy knows how it works. She cares for me, and I care for her. We only want the best and if one is happy, so is the other.”
“But what if she leaves, what then? It would have all been for nothing and you would be broken.”
He falls silent and I know I’m right. Then he says with a slow chuckle, “Then you don’t wanna go giving them a reason to leave.”
He kicks his horse to a canter and as I chase after him, I love the exhilaration this always gives me. Riding fast through my property with not another building in sight. My own paradise, a land of my own that I have full control over. As I see the barren fields that we pass and see the devastation the drought has caused, it strikes me that control is a fragile thing. Do we really have full control—ever? Nature is the decider and if she decides to strike, there’s no escaping your fate.
Jason pulls up and I catch my breath and we share a grin. Most of the time, I envy Jason and Maisy. They have a good, happy life with no worries. They love living off the land and the generous pay check I deal out but I wouldn’t have it any other way. They have a home here for life and it’s more their home than mine, anyway. One day they will have a family and bring them up here and I will love every second of it. I can watch from afar and share in their lives with none of the responsibility because I don’t want any. I don’t deserve it.
As we lean on our horses looking out on the sun setting on the horizon, I think of Holly working away, locked in her prison. She would love to see this and I feel ashamed of myself. Jason’s right. What reason outside sex have I given her to make her want to stay? She needs to be free to a point, to enjoy what I can give her in every way. Not what I think she wants, but what makes her happy.
Feeling like a fool, I check myself because, in giving Holly what she wants, I lay myself open to emotion and I’m not prepared for that. However, as Saracen neighs and stamps the ground, I reach out and pat his mane. “There, there boy, one minute more.”
