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OOO
Those are BIG virtual hugs.
P.S.S.365 days. Fuck that number! I’ll be back as soon as I can. Truth be told, I would have come back for you much earlier because being separated from you is hell on my heart. This job is keeping me from breaking my promise to give you space. Typically, my word is solid, but I want to bend and break all the rules when it comes to you.
When I laid eyes on your bubble butt swaying to your groove while you sang like a café of customers weren’t listening, I was half gone, then you turned around and hit me with your sass, and I was three-quarters gone, then you outsmarted me, and I had to outsmart you. I got you on a date. Spoiler alert: It was never a non-date. I let you tell yourself what you needed to hear because I had my foot in the door, and I stole you away to Redondo Beach, where you gave away more of yourself to my family and me. I particularly liked the bits you gave to me, and I look forward to repeating them.
I hope this letter goes over well, because how red-faced if you have not been missing me? The little birdie may have informed me that my heart should be safe because yours has opened to the possibilities of you and me.
Mine seems only to want you.
(no pressure)
P.S.S.S.Look in your freezer.
P.S.S.S.S.I am undecided if our song will be “‘Reunited” by Peaches and Herb or “I’m Your Man” by Wham when we get to see each other next. Reunited seems self-explanatory, but there’s something about George Michael singing that gets us mere mortals dancing to the beat. I’ll surprise you. I warn you; I’ll be singing something and that’s a promise.
P.S.S.S.S.S.I’ll be waiting to be your Herb if you will be my Peaches, so start practicing your share of the song in the shower because I feel a duet is in our future. FYI the acoustics are always better in the bathroom.
P.S.S.S.S.S.S.I wasn’t going to say anything, but I need you to understand, nothing will stop me from coming for you, not even what Gwen told me that is very personal about the accident that stole your parents’ lives. I know you didn’t tell me directly because why would you have in the short amount of time we have spent face-to-face? She told me because she needed to prove I was a good enough man for her friend. Gwen needed to protect you from me. She is a loyal and amazing friend to you, but she didn’t want you to get hurt if I turned out to be an insensitive asshole. I get why you need your space, your rule book, and I will do whatever you need from me to prove this is real between us. No words I write can express how sorry I am. But I want you to believe it changes nothing about how I feel about you. Nothing!! Lean on others, your sisterhood, your cousin, me, the MacDougall clan. You don’t have to bottle it all up. You are a survivor, and it doesn’t get any more challenging than to live with that.
I miss you,babe.
I explode into an ugly cry, crushing Tucker’s letter against my heart as a loud sob escapes me. Gwen told him. She told him my darkest secret.
I can’t get mad at her because I know my friend’s heart was in the right place, trying to protect me. The collision caused a piece of metal to spear at an angle through my lower abdomen. The damage was too much for my uterus. It almost feels like a relief that Tucker is aware I can no longer get pregnant.
The still, very raw mental pain forces another round of hot tears to the surface like a volcano erupting. I am swiping vigorously at the salty liquid slipping from my eyes as fast as it falls with trembling fingers.
I must rein myself in. I can’t be turning into a blubbering mess, not after the effort Gwen has gone to. My BFF has kept me busy and smiling, knowing how to tackle the first anniversary of their deaths. She has kept today’s mood upbeat to combat the many horrible memories from a year ago and the time spent in hospital.
I wanted today to get filled with friends and laughter, and now I’m crumbling because Tucker wrote me a letter with words of support and acceptance.
I’ve used my rule book as my excuse for the past 365 days so I could grieve without distraction. The truth is: I couldn’t bear to love another soul and then have fate take them from me or have them not understand my dark future. It would just hurt too much. I knew my future would be a big ask of any man, unable to carry a child growing inside me. I didn’t want to see the pity on people’s faces when they knew.
I needed a year to breathe mentally.
Gwendoline is my best friend, and I love her, but I ran from the warmth of her heart and her family, leaping an ocean because that even hurt to ‘feel’ their love. I needed the distance to find myself and start over where no one knew what had happened.
Shutting myself off from feeling love was how I dealt with losing love. If you convince yourself not to love, you can’t feel pain.
Right?
I dab at my face with my robe. There is so much going on in my head right now.
All it took was four days for my broken heart to start to believe in love again, and that scares me. How can a heart know within that time? How can two souls connect in such a short time and the connection be trusted? But I find I trust it and don’t want to let go.
Tucker gives my blackened heart life and color with Alice and Teagan as the package deal. The new friends I’ve made in Temecula are kind, generous, and make me laugh, and my animals are my family.
All these new friends found their way past my walls, and I didn’t even see them coming—primarily thanks to Tucker.
Taking in deep breaths and blowing them out slowly, I vow to give myself only these few minutes to let grief break open the dam walls, and then I will seal it up again. What’s done is done. There’s no going back. This is my life now, and I am building a good one, surrounded by good people.
Pulling my knees up and wrapping my arms securely around them, I bury my face in the warmth of my robe, trying to mop my face up while saying a silent prayer.
Mum, Dad, three hundred and sixty-five days have passed since we last laughed together. I miss you so much, and there’s nothing I can do to change that, which sucks. I am doing the best I can and hope I have made you all proud. Not a day goes by that I haven’t thought of you all, but I need to tell you something. There is this guy. I tried to run from him, but he was a bit hard to shake. He’s a good man. Please watch over him as he does for me. I seem to like him a lot. I love you guys so much.
A thought stings me. I’ve got a lot to be thankful for, and now I realize how selfish I have been with Jensen’s friendship. I need to talk to him and air my dirty laundry. He’s carrying a torch that I can’t ignite, and that’s not fair on him. Right now, any of the MacDougall brothers could be telling him about Tucker. Alice could be telling Jensen about sangria and my sleepover and showing him the hot air balloon ride we shared. Alice loves to show her albums.
