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The receptionist, a polished young woman with dark hair pulled into a neat bun and a white blouse-that was all I could see of her behind the large formidable desk-watched my dad with unease. Finally, apparently having had enough of his boots tracking across her ultra clean lobby, she stood up, smoothing her pencil skirt, and made her way toward him. My siblings and I tensed, fearing she was going to kick him out, when she smiled politely to him.
“Sir, I know waiting for a loved one to finish the testing can be trying and difficult. I want to assure you that Dr. Morris is the finest at what he does. Please, may I get you a water, some coffee perhaps?”
My dad seemed just as startled by the young woman’s kindness as the rest of us, and he stared at her for a moment like a deer in the headlights before finally recovering. “Ah, coffee would be great thank you.”
She passed the three of us, inquiring if we would like anything before disappearing behind a door located past her desk. Beside me, Elaine nudged my arm.
“That was nice of her. I thought she was going to threaten him not to scuff the shiny floor.”
I smiled, but I couldn’t quite laugh. My stomach was a roiling mass of knots, and I was afraid I was going to get G.I problems from the stress.
Trying to ease my overwrought nerves, I asked my sister, “So, how are things with the family? I haven’t seen you much since I’ve been back.”
Elaine frowned but just as she was about to reply, Cody spoke up instead. “Elaine’s husband doesn’t like the ranch, he’s a city guy, so they never come out very often, and when they do its just Elaine and the kids.”
I was surprised by this news. Elaine had always loved the ranch, the animals, everything. I didn’t know the full story, but I did know that her first daughter, Kaylee, had been born when Elaine was only nineteen, and that the baby’s father hadn’t stuck around. The following year, she had started college and that’s where she’d met the man she ended up marrying. Peter was an accountant for some big company in Albuquerque New Mexico. The drive was approximately three hours, so after the marriage, Elaine and her young daughter had moved there with him. I knew it was hard on my mom, and if she’d had a choice, Elaine and the baby would have stayed at the ranch with us.
Elaine cast a scornful look at our brother. “That may be true about Peter, but I still try to come out as often as possible. It’s hard with the kids having school in the city, you know, I can’t always just up and run off to the ranch.”
Turning her gaze to me, she smiled, but I noticed it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Everything is good. The kids are getting big, we have a lovely home, you will have to come visit us one of these weekends. I know the kids were very excited to hear that their aunt Calamity was home.”
I smiled. I loved my nieces and nephews. “I would like that a lot Elaine.” I worried about the lack of happiness I saw in her face, but I figured it was probably just mommy troubles or feeling run-down with three kids and the worry about our mom.
The receptionist returned with coffee for all of us, and we thanked her, my father finally planting himself into a cold metal chair. We waited the three hours for the PET scan and the other tests to finish up as patiently and hopeful as possible. When my mom finally emerged, she looked tired and weary. My father leapt from his seat, worry etched on his face as he fussed over my mother. She shooed him away, laughing slightly at seeing my big strong father so discombobulated.
The doctor came out after her, letting us know the test results would take anywhere from forty-eight hours to a week to return and that he would call us straight away. My father couldn’t seem to accept that the results were not instantaneous, so we listened to him gripe the entire flight home. Mother kept shushing him, trying to get him to see reason, but I think we all knew it was the stress of the unknown causing him to be in such an uproar. Once my feet were firmly planted on the solid streets of Durango once again, I let out a breath of relief. I knew we would all be living on tenterhooks for the next several days, waiting to hear the results of Mom’s tests.
Back on my parent’s farm, I had an itch I needed to scratch. Pulling on some jeans and boots, I tugged a flannel button-up over my tank-top and headed toward the barn. Once at the big imposing wooden structure, I picked up a rope halter from the tack room, and then began the long walk up the gravel road toward the back forty acres. This part of our property was much more rugged, with boulders abounding and trees growing denser the further into the woods I walked. This was mountain lion country, and I was careful to keep my guard up. We had never had any run-ins with the wildlife in the area, save for the occasional fox and coyote, but it was better to be careful out here.
Once I arrived at the big iron gate, I had to pause, inhaling a deep breath to fortify my courage. Not so many years ago, I had run from this unusual ability, and yet, here I was-about to test the limits-and see just how far my “gift” went. I wasn’t entirely sure I was ready for this, but I knew that with all the weighty stress burdening my shoulders, I needed to do something to get my mind off my mom’s diagnosis, and Sammy’s pregnancy. A man’s face flitted through my mind, fleeting and sensuous, and I paused a little longer than necessary. Memories of the one-of-a-kind night we’d spent in each other’s arms made my heart speed up, and my body yearn for his. Laughing at myself, I shook my head. “Callie, get over it already. The sex might have been the blow-your-mind-kind, but you’ll never see Mr. Sexy Cowboy again.”
Opening the gate, I shoved thoughts of Mathis from my mind. Sure, that kind of distraction would be most welcome right now, but knowing it wasn’t going to happen, and daydreaming about it anyway wasn’t going to help me. I needed to pull my head out of lala land, and face reality. I laughed again. Face reality? Really? I was about to test the weird fantastical connection I’d formed to this horse when I was sixteen, and I was talking about reality? I really was off my knockers.
The gate swung open on its hinges, and I shoved it closed, frowning at the heaviness of its weight. With the latch firmly in place, I turned about and scanned the rugged hills around me. I didn’t see anything. No horses, no cattle, not even a hare. Closing my eyes, I tried to channel my gift, curse, whatever the hell it was, and I thought of Pizazz. I could still see her creamy buttermilk coat glistening, and her long dark mane and tail like ebony against her pale cream coat. I willed her to remember me, to come here to me. Opening my eyes, I was disappointed when I didn’t see her. Perhaps there was no gift, and I was just crazy.
With a deep breath, I headed up toward the tree line, intent on walking the entire back forty if I had to. Beneath the cover of spruce and fir trees, the land became shadowed, the warmth leaving as the coolness of the forest settled in around me, seeming to penetrate all the way into my bones. Looking from the left to right, I scanned the trees and smiled. I loved the woods. Scents of pine and dampened earth, wild grasses and decaying wood permeated the space around me, and I breathed in deeply, loving the smell of it, the feel of it, and the sight of it. I hadn’t been in the quiet of the forest in so long, and there was such a peacefulness that sunk into your very bones, imbedding its signature in your soul so you would never forget its caress.
I kept thinking of Pizazz, hoping that somehow, I could reach her awareness, call her to me without actually touching her, but in my past experiences, this ability I had seemed to only manifest itself with physical touch. I whistled loudly, calling out her name several times as I wandered distractedly through the growing denseness of the trees. With my eyes scanning the distance, my ears caught the sound of a twig snapping, and leaves rustling. My gaze flew quickly to the left, where it froze. She was there, about a hundred yards from me. Her mane had grown longer, now hanging past her shoulder and the bottom of her neck in long wild twists and knots. Her black muzzle twitched as her nostrils flared while she sniffed the air.
Her dark brown eyes, which had always seemed soft and comforting before, now seemed wary, uncertain. My heart constricted at the sight of her, at the way she seemed to have become truly wild.
“Hey there, beautiful. It’s me…” I hoped the sound of my voice would reach her, remind her of the special bond we’d shared since her birth.
In response, her ears twitched, and she shook her head while blowing a loud snort of air through her enlarged nostrils. The resulting sound was a deep humming vibration which seemed to disturb the heavy silence around us. Birds skirted away, and then it fell silent once more. I wished I could just reach her, let her feel how sorry I was for turning my back on her, but I doubted I could without laying a hand on her. I put everything I had into trying to reach this “Gift” of mine, praying that somehow, I could communicate with her. My eyes were closed as I concentrated all my will toward expressing my feelings to her.
After a moment, awareness of something, a thought that wasn’t my own, buffeted me. It hit me with such force I nearly stumbled as if it were a physical thing and not just a cognitive thought. The feeling was hope. I sucked in air, trying to bring it back into my lungs, and my eyes snapped open. I could feel her thoughts, and I wasn’t touching her. She had moved a few feet closer, and now her ears were perked forward as she watched me. I tried to send her all the love I still felt for her, and seconds later, she trotted to me, pressing her forehead into my stomach like she had so long ago. Tears stung my eyes and saliva thickened my throat with the overwhelming emotions that we were both expressing.
Wrapping my arms around her head, I lay my face on her neck, and let out a deep sigh. “Oh, Pizazz, I’m so sorry, girl. I never should have left you, or Letty. I shouldn’t have been such a damn coward. I should have stayed and faced…whatever this thing is I have.”
For long moments, I stayed that way, hugging my horse, sobs echoing through the woods, and I could feel all of the sadness, all of the love she felt for me, and for the first time, I was grateful for this gift, that often felt like a curse. I was grateful I had finally come home, and I was grateful for the compassion and the ability to forgive that horses possess.
11
When I rode bareback up to the farm a while later, I watched the expressions that crossed the faces of those who were there to witness it. My brother’s face was a mask of surprise, while Reeve and several of the hands seemed to be stuck in some trance of shock and awe. It was my father’s expression, however, that nearly opened the damn back up on my tears. There wasn’t a lick of surprise on his weathered face. All I saw there was triumph, as though he’d known how the outcome would go all along. We shared a kindred smile as I rode up to him. Beneath me, Pizazz was as she had always been. Her training was extensive, and she hadn’t forgotten herself in these past years. She was in dire need of a good grooming, and her hooved needed trimming, but otherwise, the rugged hills had kept her fit and toned.
“Well, looks like my lil’ cowgirl’s really here to stay, after all.” There was a certain pride in my dad’s face that made my heart fill with gratitude.
Turning toward Reeve, I watched the good-looking farrier as he tried to get ahold of his expression. “When you have time, my mare could use a new set of shoes.”
