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I sighed and stepped away from him, shaking my hands in nervousness. “Yes…no, I don’t know Mathis. I just know that when I go back to New York, one of us might get hurt.”
“Are you really going back?” his voice was laced with hurt, and I hated myself for what I was about to say, but I needed to put distance between Mathis and myself.
“Mathis, your great, but did you really think a little sex was going to make me change my mind about staying here?”
Mathis’s jaw ticked. “No, I’m not a conceded ass, Callie. I thought this place, your family, that those things would change your mind. I hoped something could bloom between us, but I guess all you cared about was a little romp in the hay. Damn, you must have really been disappointed when I turned up in Durango. Don’t worry about it, forget what I said.”
I watched in stunned silence as Mathis mounted his horse and trotted back the way we’d come. I wanted to call out to him, but I didn’t. I just stood there stupidly and watched him until he disappeared from my line of sight. God, I was an idiot. With my emotions roiling out of control, I walked back to my mare, fully intending to step into my saddle, and carry on with my day. The moment I reached her, however, that indescribable bond between us, coupled with my unusual ability, kicked into full swing.
Pizazz turned her feminine face toward me, big, soft brown eyes full of interest, and she released a soft nicker. The full force of her concern hit me with so much intensity, I couldn’t hold back the damn on my tears. Even my horse knew I was an idiot. With my foot still braced in the stirrup, it all broke loose, a deep sob bubbling up from deep in my gut and finally escaping my mouth. Pizazz wiggled and pawed, annoyed that she was tethered and couldn’t turn fully around. Blinded by tears, I yanked my foot down and grabbed hold of her rope, yanking the quick release knot until it slid free.
With no more constraint holding her back, my little buckskin horse spun about, butting her head into my torso and releasing little muffled whinnies of worry. My legs buckled, and I fell to my knees in the soft, moist earth. Tears burned a path down my cheeks, and I couldn’t quiet the noises coming from inside of me. Pizazz stood over me with her head held down beside me, offering as much comfort as she was capable. The gesture only made me cry harder. I had left this horse, who I had raised from orphaned foal, behind because I was too embarrassed by this curse to face reality. I had abandoned Letty, and now I’d lost her. And my mom…oh god my mom.
Tears seemed to come faster and thicker, as if a damn had ruptured and a waterfall had exploded forth. I didn’t want to think about losing my mom, but it was impossible not to. She was always there in the forefront of my mind. Her cancer was like a stalker, following me, watching me, influencing my every action. How was I supposed to go on pretending everything was going to be fine? And then, there was Mathis. Why, in hell, did such a seemingly perfect man have to waltz into my life at a time like this? If I was being completely honest with myself, however, I don’t think any time would ever have worked. A woman like me, with all my coocoo issues and self-doubt, would never be the type that a man like Mathis fell for.
Sure, he might be talking about having feelings for me right now, but I had zero doubt in my mind that eventually, he’d open his eyes, notice some other woman, or even just plain realize what a whacko I was, and he’d take off, dragging my heart behind him. They say we all have a type, sometimes we don’t realize it, and sometimes, we do. Well, I knew what my type was. It was a big, strong, good looking cowboy who also happened to have a big heart. Usually, those traits didn’t come together, but when they did, the results could be catastrophic for country girls like me.
I may be young, but I wasn’t completely naive. I realized I was being a spineless fool, refusing to acknowledge the elephant between Mathis and I because of all my fears, but I didn’t care. As far as I could see, I had but one choice in the matter. I had to harden my heart, and to forget about Mathis and the incredible sexual connection we had shared. I knew Samantha would say I might be throwing away my chance at real love, but I had no room, or energy in my life for that. I needed to focus on my family, on helping my mother heal, and on figuring out how to live alongside animals with an ability like I had. I still didn’t understand it or where it had come from, and I had no idea its limitations or potential.
Standing up stiffly, I wiped the moisture from my swollen, puffy eyes, the snot from my dripping nose, and I rubbed my mare’s long nose, grateful for once, that we shared such a unique connection. Stepping up into her saddle, I took a deep breath of mountain air, and I nudged her further into the woods surrounding us. Daylight was fading, and I had a job to finish.
16
It was long past sunset by the time I finally walked up the wooden porch steps of my parents’ house that evening. I was bone-tired, weary from my hour long cry, and in sore need of food, a shower, and sleep. Yanking off my boots, I sat them in the mud room adjacent to the front door, and then released a heavy sigh of relief to have my feet blissfully free of the confining leather. My head hurt, I could feel the dull throb of an oncoming headache, no doubt a result of all the crying I’d done, and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and try to die.
I could hear voices drifting from the kitchen, and I winced, because I had stayed out at the barn long after sunset, grooming Pizazz until she shone, while I tried in vain to reel in all my overactive emotions. A feeling of extreme happiness buffeted me, and I found myself smiling at the prospect of seeing the exuberant little ball of fluff that was barreling his way toward me, tailless bottom wiggling sideways with happiness. As he reached me, Billy the Kid’s lips pulled back into a snarl of happiness and I laughed quietly as I scooped him up into my arms. After showering my face with kisses, the puppy went still, glancing back toward the kitchen, and I felt his emotions shift dramatically. The happiness left, and confusion and worry swelled up, channeling into me.
Frowning, I held him tight in my arms as I crept slowly forward, heading toward the quiet voices in the kitchen. The first face I saw was my mothers, and when she looked up, I knew instantly that she was upset with me. A head of golden hair distracted me, however, and I glanced further into the kitchen, at the chair beside my mother where my best friend was sitting. Her big brown eyes were red and swollen, and her face was splotchy, a sure indication she’d been crying. My heart plummeted immediately, because I had very little doubt that this had something to do with the tiny life growing inside her.
Coming into the kitchen, I wondered what I’d done to Samantha to make my mom angry, but her words instantly cleared that matter up.
“Calamity Jane Hamlyn, I don’t know what you said to that nice young man to chase him out of here like that, but we’re going to have words. And, next time you decide to ride fences, you’d better have your behind in this kitchen before dark. Right now, let’s focus on Samantha.”
Blinking, I could only nod my head. Shit. So, she knew something had occurred between Mathis and I, and she wasn’t happy about it. Setting the puppy down despite his whining protests, I pulled out a chair beside my friend and took her hand. “What’s going on, Sammy?”
Samantha turned her sorrowful eyes to me, and immediately began sobbing again. Glancing up at my mom with a questioning look, I pulled Samantha into my arms.
My mother sighed, deciding to rehash the story for her. “Samantha’s parents found out about the baby, and they kicked her out. The boy responsible for the child walked away she went to him.”
My eyes widened, and my throat clogged with dread. “Oh crap.” My mom sent me a scolding look, and Samantha let out a little hiccup laugh.
“Oh, crap is right, excuse me, Mrs. Hamlyn, but that pretty much sums it up. I’m homeless, pregnant, and an idiot.” Samantha sniffled through another hiccup.
My mom shook her head, her expression allowing no argument. “Samantha Willits, I’ve known you since you were a small child, and an idiot is something you’ve never been. A little wild, a little brash, maybe, but never an idiot. You’re not homeless. Calamity and I spoke about this possibility, and you’ll stay right here with us.”
Sam’s eyes widened, and I watched as her chin began to wobble, and her eyes filled up with tears again. Her voice was barely a whisper as she said, “Thank you.”
As I ate my belated dinner, Samantha managed to fill me in on all the little details, about how she’d told Steven about the baby and he’d freaked out and took off, about how her mom witnessed her throwing up one morning and guessed the reason. Her parents had been livid, which wasn’t really a surprise to me. Samantha’s mom and dad had always been a little small minded. They didn’t believe in sex before marriage, in same sex couples, or in many of the things which were more common in our generation. I knew my parents liked the thought of waiting until you were married and the whole forever after thing, but they had always kept an open mind, and an open heart toward their children, as well as anyone they took under their wings. I realized how fortunate I was, to have parents like them.
My mom was still angry with me by the time Sam had finished her story, I could tell by the set of her lips, the tick in her jaw, and the way she moved stiffly around the kitchen. I knew it was only a matter of time before she lost it on me, so it came as no surprise when she finally whirled around, planted her hands on her hips, and addressed me.
“Calamity Jane, I’d like to know what you did to that poor, sweet young man to make him rush out of here this afternoon with his tail tucked. He wouldn’t even accept my invitation to dinner.”
My eyes drifted to the table, and my finger traced a long scrape in its oak surface that had been made by my brother long ago. “Well, I…. I mean, it’s just, I told him that I was going back to New York.”
I felt the silence in the room like a heavy weight. It was easy to imagine the walls closing in on me as I looked up to see the looks on both my mom, and Sammy’s faces. Sam nearly leapt out of her chair. “Callie! I thought you were staying!”
I held up a hand and gently pushed her back onto her chair. “I am staying, I just, I well, I’m not interested in a relationship right now, and it was the only way I could make him understand that.”
