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He chuckled. “Yah, I guess you’re right about that. Actually, it’s one of the reasons I wanted to bring you out tonight. I realized I hadn’t been taking you out like I would have wanted, and then with all that’s going on, I figured you could use a break.”
I nodded. “It’s a nice thought, Mathis.”
Mathis ordered a giant steak, and I ordered a salmon and salad, which caused Mathis to lift a brow in surprise.
“I didn’t know the daughter of a cattle rancher preferred a salmon to a steak. That’s something I will have to remember.”
I grinned, finally beginning to relax. “Don’t you recall, that’s what I ordered our first date? I like both, but we eat red meat pretty often on the ranch, so whenever I have the chance to order some salmon, I take it.”
Mathis and I made small talk for a while, until he said something that completely caught me off guard.
“My parents have been bugging me to come home for a visit, so I was hoping that once things settle down around here, you’d come with me, to meet my family.”
I felt my anxiety level begin to rise, my stomach churned, and the hand holding the fork halfway to my mouth began to shake. My mind provided me with all the ways that could possibly go terribly wrong. What if Mathis’ parents found out about my…gift, and thought I was a total freak? What if they hated me, and Mathis decided to walk away? The thought of him leaving my life now, it made my heart hurt so much, I didn’t think I could bear it.
“Uh…” I stumbled stupidly for something to say. “I…well, I mean, that’s not going to be possible for a while…you know, with Elaine, and her baby, then there’s Sammy’s baby, plus mom’s cancer…I just…. you should just go see them without me.”
Across the table, Mathis was still eating, but he paused, looking up at me, blinked in surprise then resumed eating. I realized he was upset immediately. He didn’t really want to look at me at all.
When Mathis did finally reply, it was only, “I understand.”
The moment Mathis drove away from my house that night, I wanted to cry. I was so sick of crying, so tired of feeling worn out, worried, and stressed. Standing on my childhood porch, I felt like a foolish failure. My chin wobbled uncontrollably despite my effort to get my feelings under control, my heart felt so heavy, as though the very sky beneath which I stood would fall down on me at any moment. My breathing became shallow, and I felt as if I was starting to hyperventilate.
Then, the screen door opened, and I heard Samantha’s bell-like voice call to me.
“Callie! How did it go? Where did you guys eat? Did he pop the question? Did you park on some dark road, and you know…have dessert?”
Her voice was so full of excitement for me, for the chance to live through me, since now her focus was on trying to grow and then raise a child as a single mom, that I felt as if I had been kicked. I was a selfish, spoiled, stupid person. Here I was, about to run to the barn and grab a horse in the pitch black of night, as if my life were so fucked up I couldn’t handle it anymore, while my mom fought for her every breath, my sister was trying to recover from near death, and my very best friend had lost everything she had, her parents, her future, her boyfriend, all over the tiny little fetus inside of her, who had no choice in the matter at all.
Biting down on my lip until I tasted blood, I sucked in a big breath, shoved all my dumb problems away, and then I turned to my friend, plastering the most real “fake” smile I could muster, and replied, “Oh, it was terrific…”
The next time I saw Mathis was several days later, as my dad, Cody and I pulled up at his place. I hadn’t heard from him since our failed dinner, and it chaffed on my already raw emotions. Now, as if that wasn’t bad enough, I had to face the moment of truth, that event I had been long dreading. I had to prove to my dad and brother that I wasn’t crazy, that I did have a gift, and I had to show them I had tamed the stallion. The stallion I hadn’t seen in more than a month now. I was a hot mess. My hair was pulled up into a disheveled, messy bun, my jeans felt too tight because, let’s face it, I had been stress eating with Samantha as if I were the pregnant one, and I felt as if I were about to puke.
Mathis greeted my dad and Cody with smiles and handshakes, but when he looked at me, there was no concealing the hurt in his eyes, as he said a cool hello. It was the final straw. I said hi back, as if he were just another guy, and I didn’t miss the looks of concern on my dad and Cody’s faces, but I ignored them. Turning my back on the three of them, I headed into the barn, whistling for Dark Temptation. The stallion whinnied loudly in reply, kicking the stall door in excitement. I could feel it, his emotions buffeting me like a strong wind. Excitement, anticipation, happiness, they all flowed from him and into me. I let out a long breath of relief. He was still as I had left him. Now, I just had to pray he would be that way toward physical touch, and not be distracted by the men who were here.
Grabbing a halter, I went into the stall before he tore the door down. “Hey there, big guy, calm down. I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner.”
Dark Temptation tossed his head, sending his long ebony mane all over my face as I hugged his neck. Holding up the halter, I chuckled softly as he shoved his face into it, pacing in place. When I led him from the stall, I dared a glance at the three men standing near the arena fence, and I felt a moment of pride which threatened to overwhelm me. The looks on my dad and Cody’s face were priceless.
I let the stallion run loose in the arena while I gathered tack, giving him time to buck out some of his high strung excitement. It was nerve wracking, saddling the stallion with three pairs of eyes glued to me, knowing that this horse’s life hung in the balance, that any mistake could send him to the glue factory. So, I buckled down my emotions, projecting love and safety to the big dark horse, shoving away all those other pesky feelings buried within me.
I listened to him, to his emotions as if they were actual thoughts, as if they were whispers, caressing my own mind, letting me know how he felt. The whispers of horses began to flow to me, not only from him, but also from every horse in this barn, until I had to pause, taking a deep breath, I pushed all the others away, focusing only on the whispers of Dark Temptation’s emotions. Leading him into the arena, I stopped, facing his side and preparing to place a boot in the stirrup as he turned back and nudged me, then, I shook my head as his feelings flowed into me, whispering, “No, you’re right, not like this.”
I realized what I really needed to do. Unsaddling him, I took every piece of tack off of him. This gift, it didn’t need bridles and bits, or restricting saddles. This gift was meant for the pure freedom of the bond it created. This really was the moment of truth, for me, for Dark Temptation, and for this gift I had been given. Closing my eyes for a moment, I leaned my face against his mane, inhaling deeply the wonderful scent of horse. When I opened my eyes again, Dark Temptation looked back at me, ears erect and focused only on me. In his eyes, I understood what I heard whispered in my head. “Ready?”
I smiled, whispering back, “Ready.”
Pulling myself up onto his back, I glanced at my dad and Cody, ignoring Mathis altogether. They looked worried and awestruck at the same time. With no vices, no aides, nothing but my thoughts and body, I moved the black horse around the arena. A walk, a trot, a canter, moving through a simple but graceful patten. We slid to a stop, we spun around, we did a figure eight with a flying lead change. The stallion was perfection. Head held at chest level with a slight arch in his thick neck, legs and body collected effortlessly. It felt like freedom. It felt like home.
28
My heart swelled so full of happiness as I sat at the dinner table with my family and everyone, I loved most in the world that night. My dad and Cody couldn’t seem to shut up about what they had seen this afternoon. They boasted about my “abilities” calling it heaven-sent, and saying it was like watching a horse and rider truly become one. Several times I had to fight hard to keep my tears at bay, but when I looked up and saw the tears in my father’s face as he looked straight at me, a face so full of love and pride, I did cry. This was the moment I had dreamed of, prayed for since that fate-changing day at the rodeo grounds. The day everyone thought I had lost my mind. The day I thought my life was over.
Dark Temptation had done everything I had asked of him, including allow my father to run a hand down his forehead. I still couldn’t believe how well the connection between us had intensified as our bodies connected, my thighs brushing the muscles across his back, my thoughts and feelings intertwining with his, as though we had reached the astral plain of harmony. There was only one other place and time I could compare to the feelings I had felt, though the two experiences were so different, when I was in Mathis’s arms.
“Calamity, you and I will be heading back to pick up the stallion first thing in the morning.” My father’s voice brought me out of my deep thoughts.
Glancing up, I frowned before asking, “Oh?”
