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A beach with a book in my hands.
Waves creeping up over my feet…
I start to hum, trying to drown out the noise around me. My body shakes, vibrating with fear. Tears start to roll down my face, staining my cheeks. I can’t breathe. There’s an invisible hand wrapped around my throat, squeezing the air from my lungs.
I start gasping for air. My throat tightens and black dots appear over my vision. Forcing air into my lungs to stop the blackness from taking over. If I pass out, I can’t escape him, and if I can’t escape him…
My hands still covering my ears, I start humming a song I used to like when I was a little kid.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray…
I hum the entire thing, remembering each word in my head. I go through the whole song, then start over again. I repeat it a third time—and a fourth—and a fifth. I keep repeating it until I lose count.
I’m stuck in an endless loop. In the back of my mind, I know I’m still huddled up and locked in a changing room, but I’m just too terrified to return to the present. I feel safe, protected in the little bubble I’ve pushed myself into.
As if my body can sense a change, my heart rate slows and the tension in my muscles seems to ease.
“Sophie,” a familiar voice calls to me from the distance. It fills my ears even over my humming, breaking through barriers I don’t want it too, but I still don’t dare to open my eyes. It could be a trap. It could be him.
But he didn’t see me.
He doesn’t know I’m free.
“Sophie, open the damn door or I’m going to kick it down.” The deepness of the voice draws me in.
Roman?
I stop humming, wanting to make sure I’m really hearing him and it’s not just a figment of my imagination.
I pry my eyes open.
“Last chance, Sophie. I’m not fucking joking. I’m about to kick in this door if you don’t open it.” I want to get up and let him in, but my body objects. It’s locked in place, rooted by irrational fear. I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out, the words lodged deep in my throat.
And then, the tears come. They’re cold as they roll down my cheeks. I want to swipe them away. My father doesn’t deserve my tears, or my pain. He doesn’t deserve any part of who I am. A sob rips through me like an F-5 tornado barreling through a cornfield. And then it happens a bang so loud that it shakes the walls around me. My heart seems to stop beating inside my chest for a moment, as the noise around me invades the small space.
I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping for this nightmare to be over soon.
I just want this to end.
I don’t want to be so scared all the time.
I don’t want him to rule my life even when he has nothing to do with it now.
“Sophie,” Roman’s voice sounds closer now, so close, I can feel his actual presence. I open my eyes again and visualize his blurry form crouching down in front of me.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” His words break through my resolve, popping my protective bubble in an instant.
“Roman?” I try to blink the tears away, but there seems to be an everlasting supply.
He sighs, as if he’s annoyed. I hate that I make him feel this way. “What’s wrong?” he asks, much calmer. “Why did you lock yourself in here? Violet has been banging on this door and calling your name for thirty minutes.”
“I…I’m scared.”
“What are you scared of?”
“He was here. I saw him. He’s coming for me—he’s going to take me back—hurt me worse this time. He’ll kill me, or sell me to someone else…” My voice cracks. I can barely get the words out.
“Who? Who did you see?”
“My father. He’s coming for me. He’s going to take me back and hurt me again.” Roman’s nostrils flare, and a muscle in his jaw ticks.
“No one is going to hurt you—not now, not tomorrow, not ever again. You’re safe with me.” His words confirm what I already know.
I am safe with him.
“I know, but you weren’t here,” I sob.
“Fuck, Sophie…” He sits down next to me, his back to the wall. Reaching over, he pulls me onto his lap, and I lean into him, needing his touch. He wraps his arms around me, and I bury my face into his chest. The spicy scent of cinnamon fills my nostrils, and with each breath I take, the fear slowly leaves my body.
With his arms wrapped around me, I feel whole again, like all my broken pieces are being fused back together. Slowly, my breathing returns to normal and the tears stop falling. I feel warm, like I’ve found my home.
