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He goes from blissfully happy to grumpy and irritated in the blink of an eye. He’s hot, cold, then hot again. I try to talk to him about it, ask him to stop taking whatever kind of pills he’s taking, but gets defensive.
I’ve never actually seen him take any pills, that is until this morning. I walked into the bedroom and saw him swallow some pill in the bathroom. I watch him put the pill bottle back into the medicine cabinet and I decide then that I need to take them away from him. He isn’t going to stop on his own.
I wait for him to go to the gym. I usually go with him, but I tell him I’d rather stay home and watch TV. It’s not that hard to believe since I usually just sit in his office and wait while he works out. After he’s gone, I go back to the medicine cabinet and take the pills out. I unscrew the cap and hold the open bottle over the toilet. I pause for a moment, thinking about if this is the right way to go after all.
He keeps telling me that he needs to take them to be able to control himself, but then other times he tells me the opposite. I’m not sure which way it goes, all I know is that I want him to stop taking them and with everything going on around us, with that Andi guy and his friend breaking in, trying to steal me away it’s best if he does.
How can he protect me, protect us if he’s not in the right mindset? It doesn’t matter to me that him and Ivan assured me that I don’t have to worry about anyone else breaking in. I just want him safe…his mood swings, his back and forth, and the fights, they scare me.
All of it scares me. Roman tells me over and over again that I’m safe now, that no one will try to take me away again, but I have this horrible suspicion neither of them are giving me the whole truth. I’m almost positive they’re not telling me everything simply to keep me from worrying. Which pisses me off. I might be afraid, but I want to see the monster before it grabs me.
After watching Roman take his pills this morning, I decide to do something about his addiction. I don’t want to hurt him or make him mad, but I can’t stand by while he destroys himself. I tip the bottle over and watch every single one of the pills slide out and fall into the toilet. I don’t want to lose Roman, but I can’t let him do this anymore.
The three hours I wait for Roman to come home feel more like six. Guilt and uncertainty gnaw at my insides. What if he hates me or kicks me out? No…I have to believe I’m more important to him than that. He told me he wanted me, that we were a couple, and I have to hold onto that.
He’ll be mad, but he will get over it. He will see I’ve only done this to help him—help us. Even if he turns around and buys more, at least he’ll know how serious I am about him stopping. At least now he won’t have any other option but to talk to me instead of avoiding the issue.
I sit on the couch looking at the TV without watching it. My mind is too busy running through endless scenarios inside my head.
When he finally comes home, I think my head might explode with worry. Yet, I’m somehow able to force a nervous smile when he appears in the doorframe.
“Hey, I’m taking a quick shower and then I’m all yours for the rest of the day.” He winks at me, but I know soon he won’t be in a good mood anymore.
“Okay,” I say, my voice a little too high pitch but he doesn’t seem to notice. He disappears back into the hallway; my pulse is races and it becomes harder for me to breathe. I reach for the remote and turn off the TV. Any second now he’s going to discover what I’ve done, and then he’s going to come for me…I hope this isn’t the end…
I can hear him stomping down the hallway not even a moment later, approaching quickly. I brace myself mentally for what’s to come, but when he actually enters the room, I realize nothing could have prepared me for the f-5 twister barreling toward me.
“What the fuck Sophie? Did you do something with my meds?” He starts yelling as soon as he sees me, his steps are deafening as he covers the space that separates us.
“Where are the pills? What the fuck did you do with them?” His questions overwhelm me.
