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“I flushed them down the toilet,” I admit, trying everything I can to keep my voice from trembling. I’m not sure why though…I know I’m not really scared of him. I probably should be, but I’m not. How could I be, when all he’s ever done is protect me, save me.
“WHAT?” I flinch at how loud his roar is. His features contort into a mask of pure rage. “What the fuck were you thinking? I fucking need those!”
“I don’t think you do Roman. I…”
“What are you a fucking doctor now?” He interrupts me and throws the empty pill bottle across the room. I can see his chest heaving in anger, his hands balled into tight fists like he wants to beat the snot out of something. He turns around suddenly, pulls back his arms and swings his fist against the wall. With a loud bang his fist smashes into the wall, paint and pieces of drywall crumble around his fist while I sit on the couch watching in horror unable to move a muscle.
When he lifts his hand from the wall to reach for his phone, I see blood running down his knuckles. I almost jump up to ask him if he is okay, but decide to stay put. He pounds away at the keys before bringing the phone to his ear.
For a moment I think he might be calling someone to come pick me up. Regret fills my veins…at my decision to provoke him.
“Mike, I need you to come to my house.” There’s a long pause as the person on the other end talks. “I’m out so bring some…” Another pause, and Roman’s dark gaze seems to turn darker.
“What do you mean you don’t have any right now? Find some and bring them to me…Now!” He doesn’t even give the person on the phone a chance to respond. He simply hangs up the phone, and slams it down on the liquor cabinet, before grabbing a bottle of whiskey. He’s out of control, spiraling toward the ground and I don’t know how to help him, how to fix this.
Maybe I shouldn’t have flushed his pills, but I can’t envision him hurting himself anymore.
“Roman, can we please talk about this?” I move from the couch, feeling the need to soothe him.
“What is there to talk about? I took you in, kept you safe, let you stay in my house, and you rifled through my shit like it belonged to you.” The words sting, but he’s angry. He doesn’t mean it.
“Do you have any idea how much money you flushed down the drain?” I shake my head, feeling his eyes roam over my body.
“I’m worried about you.” I try to keep my voice calm even though all I want to do is scream back at him. But screaming isn’t going to make this better. I need him to calm down. I need him sane…I need Roman to be the man I see underneath the darkness, the bruises, and the blood.
“Worried? You should be worried about me losing control without my meds. Is that what you want? You want me to lose control? You want me to hurt you?” He stalks toward me, and the need to take a step back, to put distance between us, is damn near consuming me. I resist, though. Roman isn’t going to scare me away. I’ve looked a much bigger monster in the eye and survived.
“You’re not going to hurt me, and you don’t need those drugs. We both know it.” As soon as the words are out of my mouth I almost regret saying them. Roman is on me, like a cat pouncing on a mouse se grips me by the chin, his touch searing deep into my skin.
“Don’t you see it Sophie…” His nose brushes against mine, while my chest heaves up and down, air refusing to enter my lungs. “I do want to hurt you.” I whimper at the bruising force of his touch. His lips ghost against my racing pulse, and I almost sigh into his arms, but that’s what he wants. He wants me weak so that I can’t fight with him on the matter.
“I want to make you feel my pain. I want to hurt you…crack you wide open…make you bleed.” I try to shake my head, feeling the tears sting my eyes. He can’t truly mean that. He’s just trying to scare me, trying to push me away.
“You don’t mean that.” I barely get the words out, and a shiver of fear runs through me when my gaze meets his. Those gray eyes I love so much, that hold tender adoration for me are now black, black as the night sky without stars.
He’s not himself…he’s not Roman.
“But I do…do you need me to prove it to you? Do you want to see what happens without those pills?” I gulp down my fear. Roman is more than this, more than some stupid pill. I wretch out of his grip and grit my teeth scurrying away from him. I don’t stop until the back of my legs touch the couch.
