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I grab the stupid sandwich off the plate and eat it in three large bites before I head to the shower. “I ate your fucking sandwich now I’m going to take a shower, go to the gym to prepare for the fight this weekend. I’ve already lost too much for being a fucking stupid. I’m not going to lose fighting too.”
“You’re beyond fucking stupid…so stupid you’re probably going to get yourself killed!” Mac yells at me as I slam the door in his face.
So what if I get myself killed.
Maybe the world would be a better place if I was gone.
Maybe she’d be safer if I never existed.
***
This will be the first fight since Sophie started living with me that she’s not here to watch. I didn’t realize how much I needed her support until I didn’t have it anymore.
It cripples me beyond disbelief to know I hurt her, that I lost her over something as stupid as an addiction to something I never should’ve started taking in the first place. It didn’t need those pills—not like I need her. It was all in my head the idea that I needed something to make me stronger.
I slide into the passenger seat of the Tahoe, holding my head in my hands. My stomach is churning and for the first time in forever I’m nervous about the fight.
“How you feeling?” Mac asks as he slides into the driver’s seat. Dev gets in the back seat and slams the door closed behind him.
“Like shit,” I announce. I thought following through with this fight would make me feel better. I thought it would be something that I would want but now that we’re on our way there I don’t even care about going anymore.
“While you’d better get your ass in gear. You’ve never lost a fight, and you can’t start tonight.” He was right I couldn’t lose tonight, not if I valued my life, but the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if life was worth living without Sophie.
I didn’t deserve her, now more than ever, but that didn’t make my heart stop beating for her. It didn’t make my body stop craving her touch. My world started and ended with that girl and I had gone and fucked it up for a little bit of a high.
“Hey, just relax, and focus on the fight.” Dev slaps a hand on my shoulder, but I don’t even feel it. Not really. I’m too caught up inside my head. Too caught up in my own wrong doings.
My phone vibrates in my pocket and I know who it is before I even look at the screen. I pull the damn thing from my pocket and stare that screen for a long second.
I press the green answer key and start speaking before he does. “I told you to stop calling me.”
“Where the fuck are you? I told you not to go to that fight!” He speaks to me like he’s my father instead of my brother.
“Sorry, Dad. I’ll remember to ask you next time. Oh wait, I’m an adult. You can’t make decisions for me. You can’t fucking save me.”
“I’m asking you as your brother, please don’t go to this fight, Roman. You are in no shape to fight today. You’ve hardly eaten, you’ve barely left your bedroom in the last two weeks. When was the last time you even worked out? Did you train at all for this fight?”
My jaw grinds, my teeth clenched painfully together. Fucking Mac and his constant reporting of my depressive state to my brother.
“It’s none of your concern. It doesn’t matter if I die. I have nothing to live for anyway,” I don’t wait for what he has to say next. I just hang up and power down my phone.
“Don’t say shit like that, Roman,” Mac yells at me from the driver’s seat. “You have plenty to live for and you better not forget it when you are in that ring…tonight. Tell me you are going to win right now or I’ll turn the car around and drive your ass home.”
“I’m going to win this fight…” My words are empty, but Mac doesn’t need to know that. I have no idea if I will and neither do I care. I just want this day to be over with. I’m either going to die tonight or I’m going to kill someone, go home, and drown in my sorrows.
When we arrive at the warehouse, I jump out of the car before Dev and Mac change their minds and drag my ass back home. I walk downstairs into the locker room with the guys flanking me as the do every fight, only today is not like every other fight, because for the first time I don’t care if I win or lose. Nothing matters anymore, nothing.
