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It is all fucked, but I understand him. I never saw him committing to anyone, and never in my life did I think that when he did, it would be to India McCarthy. He was so head over heels for her that when she died, I didn’t think he’d ever be able to pick himself back up. He didn’t for a long while, but I thought he was making progress with each day that passed. Though after this conversation, I’m not so sure.
“The only person stopping you from fucking your way through every woman in town, if that’s what you wanted, or sharing something with Holly, is you.”
“Why do I feel so guilty?”
“Because you still love her, and you always will. It won’t change anything, if that’s what you’re afraid of.”
“I’m not gonna ruin Holly’s life. Fuck!” He balls his hands into fists. “Look at the shit we’re in now. A life with me isn’t what she needs.”
“And Zara understands it’s just sex? Nothing more, nothing less?”
“Yes.”
“So you’ve forgotten how bad she wanted you to make her your old lady back in the day? Don’t underestimate how long she’ll wait for you to get your shit together and choose her this time.”
“Fuck,” he drawls.
“I don’t know what else to say, except to do what you need to do to make yourself happy. The darkness that comes with the patch needs a balance, and we both know that light comes from our women.”
“I had light, Jay. I fucking held it every night. She was shot dead in front of me. Until you feel that shit in your soul, you’ll never understand, and I hope you never do.”
Just the thought of Harper in India’s place fucking hurts. And he’s right. I can’t and won’t ever understand what he feels, but I don’t want him this fucked up for the rest of his life.
“Being alone isn’t the answer, Leo. Even if it isn’t Holly, it’ll be someone, and the day will come when you’ll want to make that commitment again. Maybe the way you’re cutting yourself up over her and Zara is the universe telling you that neither one of them are for you.”
Raising his brow, he nods at my beer and says, “If you’ve finished, you should try to get some sleep. You’re talking too much sense, and I don’t like it.”
Laughing quietly, as not to wake anyone, I slap him on the back and slide off the stool.
“I’ll be with Harper if shit goes down.”
“Night.”
“Night, brother.”
I head upstairs and find Zara sitting at the top. When she doesn’t make a move to let me pass, I step around her. I remember the times I’d spent with her, which seem like so long ago. But Harper is more than I could ever need or want. No woman could ever compare to her.
“Whatever you’re thinking is going on between you and Leo, don’t. You’re nothing but a warm pussy for him. He’ll never give you what you want.”
“You have no idea what I want, JJ.”
“Oh, I think I do. And I’m warning you, don’t try to replace India, because you’ll be the one left hurting. I guarantee it.”
“You don’t…”
Crouching down, I look her dead in the eyes. “Before India, you were the girl he fucked, the same as you are now. You’ll never be his old lady. Mark my words, the day he’s even halfway healed from losing India and falls for another, it still won’t be you.”
“It’s not really any of your business.”
“You’re fucking wrong. He’s my brother, and I know him better than you could ever hope to. There are girls who get your dick hard, and you walk away from after busting a nut—that’s you. Then there are girls who get your dick so fucking hard, the thought of walking away has you wanting to stay inside her just so she can’t leave—that’snotyou.”
“Fuck you, JJ.”
A tear rolls down her cheek, but I feel fuck all about it. She needs to know this shit before trying to put my brother through any further grief.
“Next time he’s between your legs, because that’s what you think will make him finally see you differently, see if his eyes are open. I bet everything I have that they won’t be, because it’s not you he’s thinking of.”
Raising up, I walk away, leaving her with the truth.
