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How many lives have I had a hand in ruining?
“I’m sorry, Summer. I was a selfish piece of shit, and that’s the only excuse I have. But I served my time, and I don’t do that anymore.” Stepping away from the door, I approach her, desperate to hold the woman I love. To comfort her.
My librarian backs away, pulling the stack of novels into her arms again, as if they’re a shield.
“I don’t think I can be what you’re looking for.”
Did a knife just get slipped under my ribs? Because that’s what this pain feels like.
“Because your mom might not like me?”
“Well, I have a hard time wrapping my head around the introduction now.” Her mouth twists in a sick imitation of a smile. “Hey Mom! This is Cole, the guy I love who I just found out was lying to me about his criminal past!”
The world tilts and tips. Then it settles, and I take another step toward her, more steady than I’ve felt since walking through the door.
“You love me?”
Summer’s eyes widen in panic. “It was a hypothetical scenario!”
“You love me.” The words are out. I won’t let her walk them back.
“I never expressly said that.”
“You didn’t have to.”
“Yes I do!” She chucks the books on the couch, then shoves me with a fierce glare. “I get to choose who I love. I get to say who is allowed in my life and who isn’t! And if you don’t respect that, if you don’t stop trying to manipulate me into staying with you, then you’re no better than the creep who sends me all those news articles.”
The knife is back, slicing deeper this time.
“You don’t mean that.”
She shakes her head, but she doesn’t retract her words. “I knew this would happen.”
Feeling my eyebrows pop up, I ask in disbelief, “You knewthiswould happen?”
“Something like this. You have bad news written all over you. And don’t tell me I’m imagining things because I saw you that day at the grocery store. When you keyed that car for no reason. Just that should’ve been enough of a hint!”
The day she’s talking about springs to my mind, and if I weren’t so rattled, I’d laugh.
“Seriously? You think that matters?”
“Of course it matters! Your actions show who you are as a person.” Her mahogany hair brushes her shoulders as her head shakes. “I should’ve listened to the reasonable part of my brain. We should never have gotten involved.”
I hate this. My fingers clench and unclench, wanting to grab hold of her, drag her into me.
But I manage one word.
“Disagree.”
Her huff feels like a punch. “Disagree all you want. It’s the truth.”
“No.” My panic manifests itself in anger, and I find myself arguing fiercely. “That’s not the truth. You’re looking for an excuse. An easy way out of something real. I’m not leaving you, Summer. And I don’t mean I plan to follow you around or any of that shit. I’m saying that if someone is walking away from this, it’s not me.” Every part of my body strains toward her, but I keep my feet planted. “You think because I look like a bad guy that somehow makes me one. Well, now you know why I kept my past from you. I thought you had plenty of fodder already. So, if this ends, it’s you. You’re making that choice. Not me. If it were up to me, you’d move in permanently.”
Wide eyes stare up at me, her mouth bobbing a couple of times before she finds words. “I can’t talk to you. I can’t do this.”
Fuck. She’s leaving me.
“I love you.”
