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There was a space of silence before she emitted a sound of frustration.
“I would rather talk about something else, but I really need to talk to someone, and you’re the only one with whom I can feel comfortable doing so. Which is the oddest thing imaginable, wouldn’t you agree? I thought we didn’t even like each other, and now you’re the only one I want to confide in.”
Cam’s chest expanded with her words. He could understand completely as she had become strangely important to him in the short amount of time they had been acquainted. He didn’t want to make her nervous, though, so he just patted her hand and made a low hum of sympathy.
She sighed again but started to speak. It seemed to help that they were walking side by side rather than looking at one another.
“I truly thought I would be more pleased. Two most eligible gentlemen have shown every sign of wishing to court me. Both Rathnelly and Prince Felix stood up with me twice last night. They sent flowers this morning. And they turned up to our at home this afternoon. I should be in alt.”
“But you aren’t?” Cam prompted gently.
The face she turned up to him was so brimming with disappointment that Cam had to suck in a breath and restrain himself from pulling her into his arms to offer comfort.
“It’s such a hollow victory. What do you suppose is wrong with me?” Her voice was filled with despair as though she truly believed there were some flaw in her or her reasoning.
“Nothing, I promise you. But why don’t you finally tell me why you were so determined to wed a duke? This might help us determine why you aren’t more excited about it.”
They walked in silence for a few moments before she spoke.
“It might be hard to explain,” she excused, making Cam squeeze her hand once more. “I have never tried to tell anyone about it before. I don’t know if I’ve fully explained it to myself even.”
“We can try to piece it together right now, if you don’t even know why.”
“I know why,” she insisted. “But I might not be able to make you understand why.”
Cam wanted to tease her but merely nodded. “I’ll do my best,” he finally replied, his tone a little dry, bringing a reluctant smile to her lips.
“My father doesn’t have a son, so his heir is some odious cousin we don’t care a great deal for. My mother has tried. Frequently. There are five of us girls, but there have been many more that should have been.”
She paused to clear the emotion that had begun to clog her throat. Cam’s own throat felt tight at the loss he knew the girl felt for the siblings she’d never gotten to know. She shook her head.
“Anyhow, ever since I was a little girl, I’ve felt as though I ought to have been the heir.”
“Surely, no one ever tried to make you feel that way,” Cam protested.
“Of course not. Not on purpose, anyway. But I love the estate and properties quite fiercely. My father has been kind enough to train me in its management. Or perhaps, it was actually a cruelty. That fortified my belief that it should have been me. Or perhaps, it was my strong desire. I want to be Sherton.”
The fierce intensity of her voice, even though she was keeping it low so as to retain their privacy, told Cam exactly how she felt on the matter.
“And you feel diminished because you cannot inherit?”
“Diminished might be exactly the right word,” she marvelled.
Cam was beginning to see the workings of her mind. “Do you somehow feel it’s your fault that you were not the son your father needed?”
“Not my fault exactly. That isn’t something within my control. I know that logically. And I’m fairly certain even my heart knows that it’s not my fault.” She paused, taking another shuddering breath that made Cam long to comfort her. After heaving another deep sigh, she continued. “It’s just that I love the estate so much. And I’d be so very good at running it.”
Cam grinned suddenly, and she returned it with a laugh. “I know, that doesn’t sound in the least bit modest. But as I said, my father has taught me everything and allowed me to help him. And I enjoy it so much.”
“So, you think that if you marry a gentleman with enough power or land or estates, you’ll be able to find that same pleasure in the running of his estates?”
She nodded, but her expression was sheepish. “I know many noblemen might not accept their wife’s running of their estate. But I’ve gotten so good at doing it without usurping my father’s authority that I think I’d be an excellent partner for someone. And yes, the more he has, the more I would expect he would appreciate some help.”
Cam’s head began to ache for her along with his heart. “My dear girl, I’m sorry to have to tell you that a father allowing his much loved daughter to help him with his estates is quite different than a proud man allowing his new young wife to do so.”
She nodded. “Perhaps that is why I was suddenly less than enthused with my success in generating some interest amongst the noblemen. Rathnelly doesn’t strike me as the sort who would welcome any suggestions. I tried to ask him a little bit about his estate and the incredulous look that crossed his face was disheartening to say the least. And Prince Felix doesn’t even have his estates at the moment.” The face she turned up to him was filled with misery but also trust. Cam wasn’t sure if he was worthy of it. “You probably think I’m the most foolish creature you’ve ever encountered. Even if I decided I could be happy with someone other than a duke, it isn’t likely I’m going to find anyone who would welcome my assistance, am I?”
His heart lodged firmly in his throat. It was on the tip of his tongue to tell her he would happily accept her help with Eastwood, but he managed to get his teeth closed around the words before they emerged. He had promised himself he would savour his victory over his mother, he couldn’t give up on his bachelor status just yet.
