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Chapter 33
Spence stood in front of Zoe and stared at her for a long moment. She saw regret in his gaze. And resolve. She knew Spence well enough to know he wasn’t going to leave until he got what he’d come for.
She just wasn’t sure what that was.
Spence’s grey eyes darkened to the color of Puget Sound during a storm as he studied her. Finally he drew in a breath. Blew it out. “I’m the world’s biggest fool,” he said. “A complete jerk. An asshole who doesn’t deserve a moment of your time. I know that. I’m well aware that you deserve someone a hundred times better that me. But by some miracle, you love me.”
He swiped his hands over his face. “Or at least you did ten days ago. I’m here to beg you to give me another chance.”
“Why would I do that?” she said, pleased that she sounded calm. In control. Distant.
“Because you told me you loved me, and I believed you. But I blew you off. Ran as fast as I could, and I’m ashamed of myself. Even before the elevator hit the lobby that night, I regretted what I said to you. I didn’t come back up to apologize because I was terrified. I love you, too, but loving someone opens you up to unspeakable loss. Unbearable pain. And I didn’t think I could handle that.”
The blunt force of his words hit hard, and Zoe wanted to double over. Instead, she narrowed her eyes at him. “Then what the hell are you doing here?”
“I’m here because the pain of living without you is agonizing. Far worse than the pain of risking loving you. It didn’t take long for me to realize that living without you is much more devastating than merely being afraid I’ll lose you. I ache for you every single day. Want you more than I ever wanted anything in my life.”
He took a step closer, and she had to hold herself back from running to him. Yes, she wanted him, too. Yes, she’d felt his loss every day for the past ten days. But she was still hurt. There were open, gaping wounds in her heart. And what’s to say that he wouldn’t walk away again?
“Will you ever be able to forgive me, Zoe?”
His words lit a flame of anger in her heart. “Why should I forgive you, Spence? You said you regretted leaving me almost immediately. But you’ve been gone for more than a week.”
She leaned closer and poked him in the chest. “It took you ten days to figure out you’d screwed up? Or was it the fact that you saw me with another guy? That got your competitive juices all stirred up, didn’t it? You don’t want me, but no one else can have me, either.
“So pardon me if I don’t believe your very heartfelt declaration.”
She took another step closer and poked him again. He didn’t move back or push her hand away, she had to give him that. “If the shoe was on the other foot and I’d shoved you away, only to realize I’d made a huge mistake, how long do you think it would have taken me to come out to the compound?”
She waited for him to answer, but she was pretty sure he wasn’t going to. So she continued, “I would have been at that compound, looking for you, as soon as possible. So all I can conclude from the available evidence is that you’re full of shit when you tell me you love me too and now you can’t live without me.”
“I’ve never felt this way about another woman, Zoe. Ever. And yeah, the intensity of what I feel for you? The overwhelming need? It scares the crap out of me. I’m an ex-SEAL. A security agent. And you’re a brilliant computer scientist. A genius. You can have anyone you want. So why would you choose me?”
“Now you’re just being an idiot. I love you, Spence. Not some random guy who checks all the right boxes on some stupid compatibility test. Not someone who can write code with me. God help me, I fell in love with you, Spence, with all your quirks and irritating idiosyncrasies.”
He stared at her, wild hope in his eyes. And more love than she’d ever seen before. He reached out and touched her cheek. Let his hand linger. “Do you mean it?” he whispered. “Is it that easy to forgive me for the way I hurt you?”
She put her hand over his and brought his fingers to her lips. Kissed his palm, then curled his fingers into it. Reached for his other hand. “I’m not saying I won’t bring this up again.” Her mouth softened a little. “Especially if you’re being an idiot.” She finally smiled at him. “It’s nice to have a little idiot ammunition in my back pocket. But all I ever wanted was you, Spence. I didn’t want you to crawl to me. I didn’t want you to beg. I just wanted you where you belonged. By my side.”
“That’s all I want, too, Zoe,” he said, his voice a quiet exhalation of relief. Of joy. “I just want you. However you’ll have me.” He tightened his grip on her hands. “You’re all that matters. You’re all that’s important. But that guy you were with tonight? The two of you looked pretty intense. You sure you don’t want him?”
Zoe laughed. “That guy? I don’t care about him. He means nothing to me He wasn’t a date. That was the first time I met him in person. He was interviewing for a job. He’s no threat to you.”
She took a step forward, and so did Spence. The next moment, she was in his arms, pressed tight against his chest. His scent wrapped around her, that mixture of fresh air and green that she’d missed for the past ten days. He nuzzled his face into her neck, breathing her in. He clutched her tightly, as if she’d vanish if he let her go.
She held him equally tightly. His thighs were strong against hers, his chest wide and solid. And his back… she pressed her fingers into his muscles. Trailed them down his spine, bumping slowly over each vertebra, re-acquainting herself with Spence’s body. The feel of him beneath her hands. She inhaled his scent deeply, holding it in her lungs because she couldn’t bear to let it go. To let him go.
Spence kissed her neck, tasting her. Arousing her. When he finally sucked on the soft, sensitive skin beneath her ear, she drew in a sharp breath. Turned her head, searching for his mouth. She needed to taste Spence. Right now. It had been ten of the longest days of her life since she’d last tasted him, and she’d die if she couldn’t lose herself in the sweetness of his mouth.
She tasted the same urgency when his mouth finally found hers. Heat burned her skin and sank its fire into her muscles. She went up in flames, and from the way Spence was touching her, kissing her, he did, too. If she could bear to drag her mouth away from Spence’s and open her eyes, she’d see sparks where she touched his skin.
Their tongues danced together. Tasted each other. And while she learned the shape and texture and taste of his mouth again, his hands pressed into her back. Held her hard against him, shooting sparks down her arms and into her fingers, even though they were both fully clothed.
When she couldn’t breathe any longer, when all she could do was take from Spence’s mouth, he eased his lips away from hers. “I need you, Zoe,” he panted, his hands touching her everywhere. They slid down her back. Cupped her hips. Slid over the sides of her breasts.
Finally, his fingers fumbled with the buttons on her shirt. When he got half of them undone, she yanked the shirt over her head. Her arms got stuck in the sleeves, and she pulled at them frantically. Needed to feel her skin against Spence’s. Needed to be naked with him. To feel every inch of him, from their chests to their legs.
“Hold on,” he murmured into her mouth. He reached for one arm and unbuttoned the cuff. Yanked it off so the shirt hung from one arm. She reached for his shirt, her fingers fumbling with the buttons. Impatient with the tiny holes. Finally, Spence ripped the shirt over his head and tossed it to the floor.
