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“Change of plans. We’ll be meeting him and Heavenly there shortly.”
Zach sent him a cautious nod, then looked at the woman in his arms. “There’s my ride. I’m glad you stayed.”
The woman flashed him a shy smile. “Me, too. See you around.”
She extricated herself from his embrace, sent Seth a sideways stare, then left with a wave. A few seconds later, they heard the slam of a car door and the start of an engine.
“New girlfriend?” Seth ventured.
Zach shook his head. “Just temporary companionship and comfort.”
Seth understood that. “You ready to head out?”
“Sure.” He grabbed his wallet and keys.
“I know River and Dean appreciate the help.” Seth led Beck’s brother to his SUV.
Zach shrugged. “I’m happy to. My community garden can wait a day.”
Fantastic. Now what should they talk about? In theory, Seth knew. He just didn’t know how to broach the conversation. Zach barely knew him, and what little he’d learned was that Seth struggled to be around him. No wonder Zach seemed somewhere between standoffish and tight-lipped.
As they slid into the SUV, Seth turned it over and glanced across the cab. “You’re doing great, by the way. You’ve suffered a horrific loss and I can only guess, given the way you lost your wife and daughter, that you feel guilty or responsible or—”
“I do.” Zach frowned. “I was doing the right thing for the right reasons, but I should never have assumed Faith and Joanna would be safe. I just figured I was the one betraying The Chosen and that…”
“They’d never take your choices out on your family?”
“Something like that.”
And didn’t that hit really fucking close to home?
Seth started to sweat. The black hole of rage he’d felt after Autumn’s and Tristan’s losses was right there, still threatening to suck him under. Yes, he’d ultimately killed the man responsible for their deaths. But when he let himself think about that time in his life, which was rare, and he was honest about the whole incident, which was even more rare, he wondered if he’d truly killed the right person when he’d offed Silas Nichols in his dingy apartment. Yes, he guessed it made sense that Nichols wouldn’t have wanted his guilt in the cold case to surface…but during those dark, infrequent hours, Seth let himself wonder if he’d been off base. If the whole thing hadn’t been a little too pat.
But that wasn’t the point of today. Zach was.
“I got the satisfaction of ending the people who killed my family. In a way, you did, too.”
Zach frowned. “I don’t know if I would call that satisfaction.”
Beck’s brother was right. “It doesn’t make the pain of your loss go away.”
“No. Nothing ever will. But you know that.”
“Eight years later, I do.” He cleared his throat as he coasted through a green light. “Listen…I know I’ve been—” Seth almost said an asshole, but last time he checked, Zach still frowned on swearing much. He’d drink and get laid, but ixnay on the four-letter words. “Well, I haven’t been very welcoming, helpful, or kind. And I’m sorry.”
Zach let out a breath. “Gideon, I mean Beck—I hope that will get easier—told me about your past, about the deaths of your wife and son. He said that being around me wasn’t easy.”
“It isn’t. But it was selfish of me to retreat into my years-old pain and ignore yours that’s so fresh. I know exactly what you’re going through. I know the anger you’re trying to suppress so you can tell the people who love you that you’re fine and at least mean it a little. I know the lying awake at night and realizing that when you wake up in the morning, you’ll only be a day further away from the people you thought would be with you for the rest of your life. And I understand your head telling you that you need to figure out how to go on when all you want to do is listen to your heart that it’s not fair and go back in time to make different choices.”
A shocked expression froze Zach’s face. “You really do understand. Wow. I didn’t think anyone did. I know my brother tries.”
“And you have in common the loss of Messiah City and a way of life that shaped you. But let’s be real. He walked out in a fit of anger and teenage rebellion over a girl he felt guilty about but never loved. You made the grim choice to turn your back on everything, despite being an adult. And you didn’t merely leave, you destroyed everything to ensure those horrible elders could never hurt anyone again.”
Zach scoffed. “You make me sound like a saint. I’ve known for years that they were sick and wrong, but I didn’t have the courage or strength to buck their system. I counted myself lucky to be the Messiah’s brother. I believed that would keep me and my family safe, so if I just kept my head down and pretended not to notice what was going on…”
“They would leave you alone? Yeah, it never ends up that way. Evil always comes after what’s good.”
“Something I learned the hard way.” Zach nodded. “How long does this horrible hollowness last?”
