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Mom wasn’t the only one who died the night of my seventeenth birthday. It was a turning point for all of us. A threshold of no return, and now there’s no way I can reach Dad. To be a human being again he’ll have to feel the unimaginable pain of what he’s done. Instead, he’s chosen to shut down that part of himself forever.
I turn away, wiping tears from my cheeks, and walk slowly upstairs.
I have fifty weeks to find some way out of this marriage and this family. Mom’s death won’t be for nothing.
I swear it.
8
Chiara
“It’s too soon, Chiara. I won’t let this happen. It’s not what your mother would have wanted.” Francesca holds me tightly as she sobs. Violette and Stephan hover behind her, their faces shadowed with worry.
I extricate myself carefully from the cook’s arms. “I’ll be all right, I promise.”
The room is filled with the scent of baking bread and there are smudges of flour on Francesca’s dove gray dress and white apron.
“But what if something happens to you?” she wails.
“She’s right,” Stephan says, stepping forward. His body is rigid with anger and his fists are balled. “We can’t trust thatbastardo.”
Violette gasps and glances quickly around, as if Dad or even Salvatore himself might have overheard. “Stephan, it’s dangerous to talk that way. But he’s right, Chiara,” she adds, turning to me. “At least here we know you’re safe.”
I pat Francesca’s back comfortingly and ease away from her. “I’ll be fine. I want to go back to school.”
Two weeks have passed since Mom’s funeral, and my grief is still an impossible weight in my heart, but I’ll go crazy if I don’t get out of this house. Everywhere I look, I’m reminded of Mom. Mom’s photo in the living room. The decorations she bought for the hall. Her blood turning the swimming pool a vicious red.
Sniffling, Francesca straightens the collar of my white school shirt and brushes some flour from my black blazer. The red and gold St. Osanna Catholic Girls’ School crest is stitched over my heart. A pleated skirt brushes a few inches above my knees, and long black socks are pulled up my legs.
“Are you sure?” she asks, and I nod, doing my best to smile for her. “Call us if you change your mind, and Stephan will pick you up.”
Stephan nods, but exchanges a look with Violette as Francesca puts snacks into a paper bag for me. They’re worried because once I leave this house, I’ll be unprotected. Those four men who came to my birthday could do anything they want to me.
Stephan doesn’t get it. Those men don’t need to wait for me to leave this house. They can do whatever they want to me if Dad lets them, and he’s already made it clear he’s on their side, not mine.
I take the snacks from Francesca and put them into my school bag and say goodbye to everyone.
“You’re not saying goodbye to your father?” Francesca asks.
I hesitate, my mouth working. The three of them have noticed the rift between Dad and me, but they’ve put it down to grief. I have to go on pretending that’s all it is or they might end up dead, too.
“I said goodbye to him earlier,” I say, and hurry out the door with a wave for them all.
It’s a ten-minute walk to St. Osanna’s and I take deep breaths as I make my way down the tree-lined streets. The routine of putting on my uniform and packing my schoolbag has been soothing. I can’t wait to get to class and sit at my desk. Hear the drone of the teachers. Take notes and jot down my homework assignments. Most of all, I want to feel like a small, unimportant cog in an indifferent machine instead of a pawn on a chessboard with fewer and fewer pieces in play.
Leaving just me.
Andhim.
But I don’t want to think about Salvatore today. I give my head a shake as I open my locker and get out my books for English. A moment later the bell rings and I hurry to homeroom. Nicole, my best friend, stares at me in shock as I slide into the seat beside hers.
As the teacher calls roll and goes through announcements, Nicole leans closer and whispers, “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming back? Are you okay?”
I give her a rueful smile and whisper back, “I’m okay. Sorry I didn’t tell you I was coming back today.”
As we walk to English class together, Nicole loops an arm around my waist and squeezes me. “I’ve missed you so much. You must feel like shit. This is all so shitty.”
It’s shittier than she knows, but my heart feels lighter just being here with her.
